So today I started my cycle (hence the title of this post). It was supposed to be CD 26. So I wasn't quite prepared. I was wearing white underwear, gray boxers, and a light colored dress. Thankfully I only sacrificed the panties since I don't have time to run home and change today. Ugh. And lest you think I tossed the panties . . . no they're still on only with a bulky complimentary pad from the bathroom. So huzzah! Then on my way to a meeting I stopped at Target for a quick bathroom break and when I left the restroom a woman stopped me to tell me the back of my dress was tucked into the shorts I was wearing underneath. And now I have cramps. Amazing.
So any whowho. I did the call the doctor and I am going to get back on the horse this cycle. Sigh. So starting Saturday night I'm doing 150 of the gonal-f every night through Wednesday. Thursday morning I go in for the blood draw and ultrasound to check on my dear sweet follies.
28 March 2013
21 March 2013
Cycle Day 19: A Year Later
First: I had my HSG a week ago tomorrow and surprise of all surprises . . . THESE PIPES ARE CLEAN!!! What? I know. I did not use any swears this time around, but once again it took 2 attempts.
Okay so secondly, it has been a year since my dad's heart attack. My parents are in North Carolina right now. They planned the trip before quite realizing the anniversary was upon us, but I think that's good. How else would you mark the anniversary?
Okay so secondly, it has been a year since my dad's heart attack. My parents are in North Carolina right now. They planned the trip before quite realizing the anniversary was upon us, but I think that's good. How else would you mark the anniversary?
14 March 2013
Cycle Day 12: Like Sand in the Hour Glass . . .
Recently I watched Liberal Arts. It essentially dealt with growing up. The main character is an admissions counselor at a school in NYC. He returns to his Ohio college for a favorite professor's retirement celebration and meets a current undergrad with whom he feels a connection. For me a pivotal moment was when the retired professor tells the main character that no one ever feels old, but at some point you just have to accept that you're aging and that you are actually 30 or 50 or whatever even if you still picture yourself as 19. This really rang some bells for me, because don't I know it!
I don't feel 19, but maybe 23. When Josh and I got married and bought a house I was thrown off kilter. Marriage was okay. We had been a couple for 7 years at that point and living together for most of those. It was the home ownership thing. I remember walking down the hallway feeling out of place. I just didn't feel "old enough" to own a house. Rationally I knew I was nearing 30, but I felt like a fraud. I was someone playing at adulthood. I wonder how many other people of my generation feel this way. As our late 20s melt into our 30s and then 40s we find ourselves bewildered that we could be here at this stage of life. Confused that our youth could slip away so quickly. Did our parents feel this way? Our grandparents?
I am acutely aware of my age. I am 33. In April I will be 34 and then in a year I will be 35, which is the beginning of what they consider Advanced Maternal Age. So far my 24th birthday was the worst. My grandfather had died a few months before and I was just feeling unmoored. Another 13 months of failed fertility treatment and 35 will definitely blow 24 out of the water.
I don't feel 19, but maybe 23. When Josh and I got married and bought a house I was thrown off kilter. Marriage was okay. We had been a couple for 7 years at that point and living together for most of those. It was the home ownership thing. I remember walking down the hallway feeling out of place. I just didn't feel "old enough" to own a house. Rationally I knew I was nearing 30, but I felt like a fraud. I was someone playing at adulthood. I wonder how many other people of my generation feel this way. As our late 20s melt into our 30s and then 40s we find ourselves bewildered that we could be here at this stage of life. Confused that our youth could slip away so quickly. Did our parents feel this way? Our grandparents?
I am acutely aware of my age. I am 33. In April I will be 34 and then in a year I will be 35, which is the beginning of what they consider Advanced Maternal Age. So far my 24th birthday was the worst. My grandfather had died a few months before and I was just feeling unmoored. Another 13 months of failed fertility treatment and 35 will definitely blow 24 out of the water.
13 March 2013
Cycle Day 11: Musings on Adoption and Infertility
Earlier this year I read Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft and I'm currently working my way through The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption. Both books address people with infertility adopting, but the 2nd book goes into more detail since it's more of a nuts and bolts procedural guide to adoption. It seems the consensus of the majority of those in the adoption world is that a couple experiencing infertility should admit defeat with infertility treatments and have gone through the grieving process and reached a point of acceptance before getting to adoption. This while insisting a person shouldn't adopt if they feel adoption is a consolation prize to biological children. Forgive me, but I think people who feel this way are setting up adoption to be a consolation prize.
I've sort of backed off pursuing adoption right now, because we're still trying to outwit my biology with SCIENCE! and I've been led to believe this will disqualify us with most adoption agencies and attorneys. Maybe not, but the more I read the more I think the message boards and books are right.
Maybe there are people out there who feel adopted children are inferior to biological children. Who am I kidding? Of course there are people who believe that. I am not one of those people. And I would hope that those people would be weeded out during the whole process instead of just having a policy that couples seeking fertility treatments cannot adopt.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mother. This has sometimes surprised people. I have always pictured myself as a mother of multiple children. With the economics of fertility treatment (and private adoption) I realize if this happens at all, we'll probably have an only child. Sad? Absolutely. The issue for me is I have all this love to give a child and it makes no difference if the kiddo spent time in my uterus or not. The moment I was told I wasn't ovulating properly back in 2009, I was ready to jump right to adoption. Josh wasn't. He's getting there, but expecting both of us to be completely past my body's failure before we adopt? I don't see that happening.
Would I like to have a biological baby? Sure. I guess. Why? I'd like to experience what everyone else I know with kids has experienced. Is it 100% necessary? No, but if SCIENCE! can make it happen, why not? Will I ever get past my body's failure? I don't know, but I don't think this affects my ability to be an effective and loving parent. I know agencies and what not have to have standards. They don't want to knowingly place children in potentially neglectful situations. But it just burns me that there are (if you read the news) countless people who can naturally reproduce who don't just neglect their offspring but abuse, torture, and murder them. These people never have to justify their desire for children to anyone or prove their fitness as parents--until it's too late. To adopt there are personal references, financial disclosures, and often physical exams. There are sometimes psych exams. And the dreaded home study where the facts and emotions of our struggle to conceive will be potentially gone over with a fine tooth comb. I really can't believe that I'm the only infertile woman who feels capable of pursuing fertility treatments while being a loving mom to an adopted child. Of course as my own dear mother was so fond of saying, "Life's not fair." Truer words have never been spoken.
I've sort of backed off pursuing adoption right now, because we're still trying to outwit my biology with SCIENCE! and I've been led to believe this will disqualify us with most adoption agencies and attorneys. Maybe not, but the more I read the more I think the message boards and books are right.
Maybe there are people out there who feel adopted children are inferior to biological children. Who am I kidding? Of course there are people who believe that. I am not one of those people. And I would hope that those people would be weeded out during the whole process instead of just having a policy that couples seeking fertility treatments cannot adopt.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mother. This has sometimes surprised people. I have always pictured myself as a mother of multiple children. With the economics of fertility treatment (and private adoption) I realize if this happens at all, we'll probably have an only child. Sad? Absolutely. The issue for me is I have all this love to give a child and it makes no difference if the kiddo spent time in my uterus or not. The moment I was told I wasn't ovulating properly back in 2009, I was ready to jump right to adoption. Josh wasn't. He's getting there, but expecting both of us to be completely past my body's failure before we adopt? I don't see that happening.
Would I like to have a biological baby? Sure. I guess. Why? I'd like to experience what everyone else I know with kids has experienced. Is it 100% necessary? No, but if SCIENCE! can make it happen, why not? Will I ever get past my body's failure? I don't know, but I don't think this affects my ability to be an effective and loving parent. I know agencies and what not have to have standards. They don't want to knowingly place children in potentially neglectful situations. But it just burns me that there are (if you read the news) countless people who can naturally reproduce who don't just neglect their offspring but abuse, torture, and murder them. These people never have to justify their desire for children to anyone or prove their fitness as parents--until it's too late. To adopt there are personal references, financial disclosures, and often physical exams. There are sometimes psych exams. And the dreaded home study where the facts and emotions of our struggle to conceive will be potentially gone over with a fine tooth comb. I really can't believe that I'm the only infertile woman who feels capable of pursuing fertility treatments while being a loving mom to an adopted child. Of course as my own dear mother was so fond of saying, "Life's not fair." Truer words have never been spoken.
05 March 2013
Cycle Day 3
I'm still waiting to hear officially, but right now it looks like my HSG will be March 15th. They don't normally like to go that far into the cycle, but since we're still actively preventing pregnancy it's okay. I'm looking forward to getting this test done (again) for the information purposes, but not so much for the fun factor. Because it's not fun at all. Of course it's better than the D&C/ectopic surgery, but still not something I want to do all the time.
Weather-wise we're gearing up for what could be a big nothing or the biggest snow of the season or something in between. I was supposed to have a meeting in another county tomorrow, so luckily that was postponed. We do these meetings as potlucks and I had signed up to bring a main dish without any thought as to what I would make. So not only will I not have to slip-slide my way to work if it's terrible, I also won't have to worry about throwing something together food-wise. Win-Win.
At home we're back to counting calories. Huzzah! Time change is this weekend, so starting next week we'll be running again too. Hopefully I can knock off a few pounds before we get back to TTC. I'm back up from my lowest weight by 5 or 6 lbs, but I'm still under where I wanted to be before getting back to it last summer.
Weather-wise we're gearing up for what could be a big nothing or the biggest snow of the season or something in between. I was supposed to have a meeting in another county tomorrow, so luckily that was postponed. We do these meetings as potlucks and I had signed up to bring a main dish without any thought as to what I would make. So not only will I not have to slip-slide my way to work if it's terrible, I also won't have to worry about throwing something together food-wise. Win-Win.
At home we're back to counting calories. Huzzah! Time change is this weekend, so starting next week we'll be running again too. Hopefully I can knock off a few pounds before we get back to TTC. I'm back up from my lowest weight by 5 or 6 lbs, but I'm still under where I wanted to be before getting back to it last summer.
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