Back to Normal?

As soon as the ectopic was confirmed when I came out of anesthesia, I no longer felt sad. I felt immediate relief and gratitude. I was so glad I had been scheduled for the D&C that afternoon and not in the morning when I wouldn't have been feeling pain and not a day or two later so I would have been at work when the intense pain set in. And gratitude that my tube hadn't ruptured. And gratitude that I could stay at the hospital until I was fit to care for myself. And then gratitude that my mom could stay overnight in the hospital even though it was against regulations. I was done mourning this pregnancy, because it was so final. Not only did it just not work, it could have seriously hurt me. In an extreme case, I could have died. Let's not mourn for something like that.
But as the days go by I start slipping into more sadness. I want a lot without giving anything. Part of me wants to be fawned over for people to acknowledge what I've been through, but I don't want to tell anyone what I've been through.
And curse my brain--my non-stop brain. The doctor told my family there's a 10% chance this could happen again. In my mind that means: THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. IN 3 MONTHS WHEN YOU TRY AGAIN THIS. WILL. HAPPEN. And there's the money. The insurance is insisting the October karyotypes should be billed under the infertility coverage. And because of that Josh would have a separate $400 deductible, so we would owe $400 for his and then $138 for mine. And then who knows what the bills will be for last week's surgery and stay. The deductible I paid at admission was $100. And it just occured to me that I probably need some sort of authorization for the hospitalization. I don't know why insurance has to be so hard.
And really it's just so overwhelming. I don't want to be a 35 year old first time mom. I wanted my first child before I was 30. And since this is just dragging on and on (and adoption can take FOREVER) I honestly feel I've missed my opportunity at motherhood. It's probably just hormones and what not, but at this moment I feel like I've just been passed by completely. Stuck forever as pet owner and aunt.

Update: Our employee wellness group just posted this link to Facebook (might they be reading my blog? or could it be that we're currently in the midst of the most depressing time of the year and I'm not the only one?): Depressed? 12 Mental Tricks to Turn it Around

Cycle Day 28

Over the weekend we went away for our 5th Anniversary. Which seems like a lifetime and like nothing all at once.

July 29, 2007 - All Seasons Garden, Dawes Arboretum, Newark, Ohio



July 27, 2012 - Inn at Spiess Harbor, Erie Islands Resort and Marina, Port Clinton, Ohio

 We were a couple for 7 years before we got married, so a part of me will always feel our wedding anniversary tells an incomplete story. Our wedding anniversary shows the time in our lives that I got a decent job with great benefits that we could share. And the time when we thought we should get to this baby making thing. We didn't start trying for a baby right away. We gave ourselves a year of marriage and then got to it. So if things had worked out we would have a preschooler right now. Talk about a different life.

Since Monday I've experienced off and on cramps of varying intensity. Dr. Google says this can happen when taking progesterone or with implantation or just everything else. But my piss poor attitude tells me that I'm having cramps, because I'm not pregnant and my body wants to bleed. But I'm going to keep on going with the progesterone until Sunday night and test Monday morning and then get ready to pick up my implements of torture (needles and so forth) so I can go through all that again.