The Bitch of Living

Today is my husband's birthday and my dad's birthday. My dad's 67 and my husband is 32.

Also, this morning I felt sure today would be the day of my physical miscarriage. I started feeling moderately crampy first thing and there was also some spotting. But so far . . . just light spotting. Hopefully everything holds off until the weekend. I'll be interested to see where the HCG level is on Monday. I was thinking it would be 0 by then since I dropped from 921 to 607 from Friday to this past Monday. I also thought (and it was heavily implied by my doctor) that things would probably move pretty quickly once I stopped my progesterone. Well, tick tock . . .

After the Third Loss is the Fourth Loss

I had another pregnancy and I'm waiting for the actual physical loss right now. My first beta on November 29th was 265. On the 23rd it was 921. Then there was cramping Saturday and Sunday and some bright red bleeding Sunday night. Monday (Nov 26th) my beta was 607. So I stopped the progesterone and am waiting for the real bleeding to start. What's really fucked up is that I haven't had so much as spotting since Monday morning. Really? I've said it before, but seriously once I know things are done I want it the fuck out. The loss is happening, so on with it! When it doesn't progress then I start thinking maybe there's a chance. Maybe I just lost a twin. Maybe maybe maybe maybe. And then when it happens it's awful and terrible and worse than if it had just happened immediately.
My doctor says since I can get pregnant I will go on to have a baby. Eventually. But after how much loss? Yesterday I felt beyond numb. Today a little numb, but not as much. I don't know how much more loss I can take. I don't even feel like I could handle a pregnancy or a child right now. Ever? I just don't feel up to it. I think it's winter and there's no more sunshine and I'm in the midst of this loss, so I'm giving up on everything.

Cycle Day 22: The Dentist

First, I'm a big ball of anxiety today, because my cavity is being filled. First time with this particular dentist and he doesn't seem as gentle as the previous one. Ugh!

Our karyotypes came back normal, so that's good I guess. I am getting a little tired of everything coming back "fine" when nothing's working. It would be nice if we could get an ah-ha moment. Oh, so that's why nothing ever works . . . No such luck.

I'm currently waiting for my doc's office to call with yesterday's progesterone and thyroid values. I haven't been consitently doing the progesterone twice a day. So we'll see. But the levothyroxine is every morning like clockwork. Except for the morning I took 2, but that's not so bad.

Update:
Yesterday's progesterone was 63 (which is good, because it's above 12), so I guess I can keep doing what I'm doing. My thyroid (TSH) was 3.2, so they're upping me to 1.5 pills of my current stash and calling in a new rx for the higher dose. They want me under 2.5.

Cycle Day 11 Part 2: Instructions

This morning's estrogen level was 1,502. I'm going to trigger tonight between 9 and 10 pm with 1 cc of Novarel. Tonight is also prescribed sexytime.
Saturday we will be chaste.
Sunday morning Josh will get frisky with the cup at 7:30 am (that early and no lube? but he's a pro by now). Then at 9:00 I show up for my part of this thing.
Monday evening I start progesterone. Starting Tuesday it will be twice a day.
Tuesday: 1/2 cc Novarel booster
Friday: 1/2 cc Novarel booster
Monday (Nov 12th) bloodwork for progesterone and thyroid.
And then we wait . . . .
Ugh so not looking forward to the 3 IM injections! But if this works we'll have an anniversary baby. So in my mind that pretty much guarantees it won't happen, because that would be too perfect.

Also, we're moving ahead with the refinancing. We went with a 30 year loan, so the min payment would be smaller (just in case). This morning I emailed over all the signed paperwork and bank statements and pay stubs. So off we go.

New Year Miracle?

Friday morning I woke up to severe cramps and bleeding. The blood was brown though, so that was better than it being red. I went for bloodwork and was hoping to hear back that afternoon, but it didn't happen. Saturday there was more spotting and cramps, but Sunday was better. So far today nothing.
The results of my bloodwork: beta level was 807 and progesterone was 32. One of those levels is really good and one is not so much. Last Wednesday my beta level was 577, so by Friday it should have been over 1000. So there's some "concern" about what's going on. Google searches suggest eventual miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. Doc's office refuses to say this is over, but I'm thinking this is over. This Thursday I'm going to have an early ultrasound to see if they can see anything in my uterus or if there's something visible in my tubes. Then there will probably be more bloodwork.
In pharmacy news I tried to refill my progesterone today, but because the original rx is for once a day I'm not due for a refill yet. So I had to call the doc's office again today, because I need this for tonight. So hopefully they'll call it in soon, so I can pick it up and then take it tonight to continue with the good progesterone values.

so this is new

Just got the call with this morning's bloodwork. My beta level was 577 and progesterone was 29. Even though the beta didn't double they consider it okay, because it increased at least 70%. So that's it. No more bloodwork. That idea kind of scares me. I WANT/NEED to know what's going on. So I'm just going to have to trust that little dino-baby roar (our name for this pregnancy) is going to behave until our ultrasound on September 27th. Today's the 12th. I'm going to be a nervous wreck.

Grow, Dino-Baby, Grow

Today's beta was 300. That's a little more than doubling every 48 hours. The nurse had asked for a progesterone, but they didn't run that one. But I go back on Wednesday morning, so I should get both levels then. As you might remember from the previous post I've never gone above 346. So if I'm up on Wednesday that will be the furthest I've been. Fingers crossed. Might even make it to an ultrasound this time. Do I dare to dream that big?

Third Time's A . . . .

August 22nd I had my IUI. Just like one of them prize cows! Or maybe not just like that. The next week I had my progesterone level checked and it was at 59. So that was good. Highest I ever had. Then we were out of town Thursday - Sunday for a friend's wedding and that involved LOTS of food and not a lot of sleep. Just in case a baby was brewing I limited my alcohol consumption to the champagne toast. Then I waited somewhat patiently until yesterday morning to do a pregnancy test.
I actually woke up at 2:30 am and decided to go ahead and test. There was a very faint line and that was it--no more sleep for me. The official bloodwork was done at 10:30 am and the results came back this morning. My beta was 38 and the progesterone 18. They're not super concerned about the progesterone, but I'm going to increase the prometrium to twice a day. Then both levels will be checked again on Monday. I'll definitely be going before work, so I can get the results back Monday afternoon.
I'm definitely not going to relax. Monday's numbers will help, but I just really want to make it to the first ultrasound this time (and beyond!).

Just for posterity's sake here are my previous pregnancy numbers:

Jan 2011
1/5 - hcg - 346
1/7 - hcg - 228
1/10 - hcg - 60
1/14 - hcg - 11

May 2011
5/3 - hcg - 137; progesterone - 13.17
5/5 - hcg - 343
5/9 - hcg 167; progesterone - 6.3
5/16 - hcg - 5

Cycle Day 12: Next Step

Today I had bloodwork and a scan. My estrogen was at 617 and I had two decent size follies--one on the left (@20) and one on the right (@18). My lining measured 14 (last November it was 6). So tonight I'll trigger with the Novarel (1cc) and get busy with the husband. Wednesday morning he'll get frisky with a plastic cup. And then about 90 minutes later I'll go in for the IUI. Thursday night I'll start the prometium. Friday and Monday I'll booster with 1/2 cc each time of the Novarel. Then Wednesday I'll have the bloodwork for progesterone levels. And then the day we'll all be waiting for . . . pregnancy test on September 6th.

Cycle Day 33

So I did the old pregnancy test yesterday morning and it was  . . . negative. So Saturday night was my last dose of progesterone and now I'm just waiting for my period to start. Yesterday I started crying while watching an old episode of Vampire Diaries. This morning I started crying uncontrollably while reading about the Sikh temple shooting in Wisconsin. Thanks, hormones.
But yeah, I'm super sad. Despite my atheism and belief that nothing happens due to divine purpose, I can't get it out of my head that a pregnancy will happen at some sort of divinely inspired time (hello . . . 5th anniversary?!) if I "suffer" through all this. Jump through a set number of hoops and get a baby. Hooray. But that doesn't seem to be the case. A coworker will be birthing soon and she's complaining about discomfort. Do you know what I would give to be obscenely pregnant and about to have a baby? So far 4 years of my life and thousands of dollars. Injections. Me. The person who had to have her MOTHER hold her hand while getting pre-college vaccinations.
In the grand scheme of the world my inability to get pregnant is insignificant. I get that. It doesn't make me any less heartbroken, but I get it. I have a job with benefits, a husband I love (and who loves me), a house, family, pets, 2 cars . . . And I don't feel like I need a baby to feel complete. I know I'll be fine if I have to live the rest of my life without children. But I don't want that life. I want the life with children. Nothing compares to the feeling of a young child falling asleep on my lap. I love that. I want that.
In somewhat happier news I'm wearing size 8 pants today. Sure, they're GAP pants, and their sizes don't necessarily reflect other brands' sizes. But single digit pants! If I can't be pregnant may I at least be thinner. I'm 30 lbs lighter than I was in January. And a smidge over 20 lbs lighter than I was at the end of April. Hopefully the weight loss will help the Bravelle make SUPER follicles.

Cycle Day 28

Over the weekend we went away for our 5th Anniversary. Which seems like a lifetime and like nothing all at once.

July 29, 2007 - All Seasons Garden, Dawes Arboretum, Newark, Ohio



July 27, 2012 - Inn at Spiess Harbor, Erie Islands Resort and Marina, Port Clinton, Ohio

 We were a couple for 7 years before we got married, so a part of me will always feel our wedding anniversary tells an incomplete story. Our wedding anniversary shows the time in our lives that I got a decent job with great benefits that we could share. And the time when we thought we should get to this baby making thing. We didn't start trying for a baby right away. We gave ourselves a year of marriage and then got to it. So if things had worked out we would have a preschooler right now. Talk about a different life.

Since Monday I've experienced off and on cramps of varying intensity. Dr. Google says this can happen when taking progesterone or with implantation or just everything else. But my piss poor attitude tells me that I'm having cramps, because I'm not pregnant and my body wants to bleed. But I'm going to keep on going with the progesterone until Sunday night and test Monday morning and then get ready to pick up my implements of torture (needles and so forth) so I can go through all that again.

Cycle Day 15

SURGE! Progesterone starts on Sunday.


Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Loveless - Said the Whale
Countdown - Pulp
Two of Us - The Beatles
When I Grow Up - Garbage
Get You Some - Captain Planet
Super Bon Bon - Soul Coughing
Short Skirt/ Long Jacket - Cake

Cycle Day 13

I'm currently a little over 7 lbs away from driver license weight. That's pretty exciting. Last week we were on vacation, so no elliptical. But . . . 5 days of running first thing in the morning. I need every day to be a vacation day. I've been using the ovulation test kit since cd11 and I have my progesterone ready to go. Fingers and toes crossed, but definitely not getting my hopes up.

Maggie on Vacation

Crapton of Carp

Go to the Bank - James
Countdown- Pulp
I Don't Wanna Fall in Love - She Wants Revenge
Jaw, Knee, Music - NOFX
Disco Inferno - The Trammps
Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations
Same Old Song - The Pietasters
Shaking the Tree - Peter Gabriel

Cycle Day 2

Yesterday I was up .4 lbs at Weight Watchers. I'm still down 10 lbs since starting, so I'm still a prize winning hog. But still . . . I don't like any gain. After Weight Watchers I talked to one of my nurses at the fertility clinic. She said if I wanted this cycle we could try on our own with a home ovulation kit (like we've been doing), but then supplement with progesterone after ovulation since my luteal phase is short. So I'm going to use up the last of my crinone gel and then switch to prometrium. (I just linked to the manufacturer's websites, but you can just as easily google and get general info). After 14 days if I get a negative pregnancy test, I'll stop the progesterone, start my cycle, and get ready for some injections! But hopefully the progesterone will be enough. I'd really like to not have to go through all that other business again and again.

The Heinrich Maneuver - Interpol
Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations
Shaking the Tree - Peter Gabriel
Just a Girl - No Doubt
Big Time - David Dallas
Papa Won't Leave You, Henry - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off - Panic at the Disco