10 weeks, 5 days

Last week was our first without an ultrasound. It was a fairly uneventful week for my uterus and surrounding area with nothing more notable than light spotting. Is it weird that I'm bothered by that? My mind is so messed up from all this infertility and related nonsense that no matter what happens I read it as a bad sign. Bleeding? Bad. Not bleeding? Possibly bad, because I've been bleeding the entire time and everything's been fine so why did I stop now? I guess we'll find out this Friday.
Another thing that's giving me pause is that two of the four of us in my online group who started with twins are now down to singletons. They're both pretty devastated and understandably so. (I think they both might have been IVF). While I've considered the possibility of losing one of my little pups, I haven't really considered my emotional response to such a thing. I've considered the absolute soul crushing grief of losing both, but when I was in the ER the thought that maybe one could still be okay was reassuring. But again IVF is a different animal. And since so far both little pups have been okay I haven't really been put in the position they have.
Okay now I'm going to indulge my vanity. I am absolutely back in my "fat" clothes and it pains me. I know I'm gaining weight and that's good for the pups, but I worked so hard to lose those almost 30 pounds and dropping 2 sizes was an amazing feeling. Last summer I felt the best I've ever felt, so psychologically going back to these clothes is difficult. Let me just say that I would much rather be pregnant than thinner and I hope I get much much bigger with my two little pups growing as big as possible, but this is a struggle that I don't feel I can really communicate. And maybe it's because with my infertility brain I'm having such a hard time accepting that this pregnancy is really happening to me.
In other news . . . we now have names for every contingency. We've been set for years with a boy name and a girl name we like. It was just a matter of what if we have two boys or two girls? Now we're ready with 3 options for a 2nd boy and 3 options for a 2nd girl. I feel weird about being so prepared this early . . . like we're just asking for something bad to happen. But I'm also glad to have some options we both agree on especially since Josh's brother and his wife are still trying to agree on a name for their boy who could be born any second now.

Cycle Day 2

Yesterday I was up .4 lbs at Weight Watchers. I'm still down 10 lbs since starting, so I'm still a prize winning hog. But still . . . I don't like any gain. After Weight Watchers I talked to one of my nurses at the fertility clinic. She said if I wanted this cycle we could try on our own with a home ovulation kit (like we've been doing), but then supplement with progesterone after ovulation since my luteal phase is short. So I'm going to use up the last of my crinone gel and then switch to prometrium. (I just linked to the manufacturer's websites, but you can just as easily google and get general info). After 14 days if I get a negative pregnancy test, I'll stop the progesterone, start my cycle, and get ready for some injections! But hopefully the progesterone will be enough. I'd really like to not have to go through all that other business again and again.

The Heinrich Maneuver - Interpol
Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations
Shaking the Tree - Peter Gabriel
Just a Girl - No Doubt
Big Time - David Dallas
Papa Won't Leave You, Henry - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off - Panic at the Disco

Spent Saturday in Cleveland with friends and ate too much good food, but I'm feeling pretty good about my weight today. It's higher than I'd like, but I know it's within a range that I'll still show some weight loss this week. Last week I read that women who eat 1/4 of their calories for breakfast are more successful with their weight loss, so I'm going to start trying to get at least 300 calories for my morning meal.







Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations
There's a Good Reason These Tables are Numbered . . . . - Panic at the Disco
Big Time - David Dallas
Sugarcane - Shaggy
Story of My Life - Social Distortion
Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz
Go to the Bank - James
What You Were - The Drums

Monday

Elliptical today, because I'm up a pound-ish from early weekend debauchery or Indian buffet, how I love you! Anticipating a 20 min run tonight, elliptical tomorrow, elliptical and run on Wednesday, elliptical Thursday, and better choices over the weekend. We'll see. The past few weekends have ruined me.



I Don't Wanna Fall in Love - She Wants Revenge
Punk Guy (Cause He Does Punk Things) - NOFX
How to Operate witha Blown Mind - Lo Fidelity Allstars
Shaking the Tree - Peter Gabriel
Someone's Gonna Break Your Heart - Fountains of Wayne
You're the Only One That I Want - Less Than Jake
Killer Machine - Martin Luther
Disco Inferno - The Trammps

Another Non-Running Day

Up some more today. Ugh. I didn't work out yesterday, because my body violently rejected the Super Burrito from Old Bag of Nails. It's not the first time I've had it, but it had been pver a month and in that time we hadn't really gone out to eat much. My digestive system was very very unhappy with my dinner choice Saturday night. And although I didn't exercise yesterday I did eat the hell out of some lemon-based dessert my aunt made. So that is not helping. Today it's back on the program. I did 45 minutes on the elliptical and I'm obsessively counting calories. Not looking good for Friday's weigh-in. And I was really hoping we would go running, because we just bought a couple of iPod Nanos and I desperately want to use mine.



Jaw, Knee, Music - NOFX
Crazy - Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Maybe You're Coming Down With It - The High Strung
Go to the Bank - James
Got the Life - Korn
4 Out of 5 - Soul Coughing
Build God, Then We'll Talk - Panic at the Disco
Rock'n'Roll Lifestyle - Cake
I Found a Reason - VHS or Beta
Two of Us - The Beatles
When I Grow Up - Garbage
Camisado - Panic at the Disco
Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes

Wrong Way

Up .4 today. Boo. No real reason for it either. No running yesterday, so elliptical this morning.



Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Killer Machine - Martin Luther
Heart in Your Heartbreak - Pains of Being Pure at Heart
Losing My Religion - R.E.M.
Girlfriend - Matthew Sweet
Battle Flag - Lo Fidelity Allstars
Better Off Dead - Bad Religion

Friday Morning Mix

Weight loss: Still in the negative, but getting better

Got a haircut yesterday. I was feeling tired and worn out and now I'm not.

This morning I did a 20 minute program with a playlist and I'm taking a break before I do the last minutes of a Charmed Episode.

1. The Bad Touch - The Bloodhound Gang


2. Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge


3. Money - The Drums


4. Get You Some (feat. Brit Lauren) - Captain Planet


5. Story of My Life - Social Distortion

Thursday Morning Mix

Weight Loss: Ha!

No elliptical yesterday. This morning before husband left I did my 20 minute program to my playlist. In a few minutes I'll start Charmed and get some more elliptical in. I feel I get a more intense workout with the music, so I like to get that in, but Charmed makes it easier to go longer.


1.There's a Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought Of It Yet - Panic at the Disco



2. Call Me - Blondie



3. But It's Better If You Do - Panic at the Disco



4. Maybe You're Coming Down With It - The High Strung



5. Dammit - blink-182



6. The Bad Touch - The Bloodhound Gang



7. Collapsing Cities feat. Shy FX- Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.

Too Many Treats

Weight loss: -5% (ouch)

Yesterday's ellipticaling did not counteract yesterday's treat consumption. :( So today I will be extra good. Hopefully I can lose that 5% as quickly as I gained it.