10 weeks, 5 days

Last week was our first without an ultrasound. It was a fairly uneventful week for my uterus and surrounding area with nothing more notable than light spotting. Is it weird that I'm bothered by that? My mind is so messed up from all this infertility and related nonsense that no matter what happens I read it as a bad sign. Bleeding? Bad. Not bleeding? Possibly bad, because I've been bleeding the entire time and everything's been fine so why did I stop now? I guess we'll find out this Friday.
Another thing that's giving me pause is that two of the four of us in my online group who started with twins are now down to singletons. They're both pretty devastated and understandably so. (I think they both might have been IVF). While I've considered the possibility of losing one of my little pups, I haven't really considered my emotional response to such a thing. I've considered the absolute soul crushing grief of losing both, but when I was in the ER the thought that maybe one could still be okay was reassuring. But again IVF is a different animal. And since so far both little pups have been okay I haven't really been put in the position they have.
Okay now I'm going to indulge my vanity. I am absolutely back in my "fat" clothes and it pains me. I know I'm gaining weight and that's good for the pups, but I worked so hard to lose those almost 30 pounds and dropping 2 sizes was an amazing feeling. Last summer I felt the best I've ever felt, so psychologically going back to these clothes is difficult. Let me just say that I would much rather be pregnant than thinner and I hope I get much much bigger with my two little pups growing as big as possible, but this is a struggle that I don't feel I can really communicate. And maybe it's because with my infertility brain I'm having such a hard time accepting that this pregnancy is really happening to me.
In other news . . . we now have names for every contingency. We've been set for years with a boy name and a girl name we like. It was just a matter of what if we have two boys or two girls? Now we're ready with 3 options for a 2nd boy and 3 options for a 2nd girl. I feel weird about being so prepared this early . . . like we're just asking for something bad to happen. But I'm also glad to have some options we both agree on especially since Josh's brother and his wife are still trying to agree on a name for their boy who could be born any second now.

Cycle Day 11: Musings on Adoption and Infertility

Earlier this year I read Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft and I'm currently working my way through The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption. Both books address people with infertility adopting, but the 2nd book goes into more detail since it's more of a nuts and bolts procedural guide to adoption. It seems the consensus of the majority of those in the adoption world is that a couple experiencing infertility should admit defeat with infertility treatments and have gone through the grieving process and reached a point of acceptance before getting to adoption. This while insisting a person shouldn't adopt if they feel adoption is a consolation prize to biological children. Forgive me, but I think people who feel this way are setting up adoption to be a consolation prize.
I've sort of backed off pursuing adoption right now, because we're still trying to outwit my biology with SCIENCE! and I've been led to believe this will disqualify us with most adoption agencies and attorneys. Maybe not, but the more I read the more I think the message boards and books are right.
Maybe there are people out there who feel adopted children are inferior to biological children. Who am I kidding? Of course there are people who believe that. I am not one of those people. And I would hope that those people would be weeded out during the whole process instead of just having a policy that couples seeking fertility treatments cannot adopt.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mother. This has sometimes surprised people. I have always pictured myself as a mother of multiple children. With the economics of fertility treatment (and private adoption) I realize if this happens at all, we'll probably have an only child. Sad? Absolutely. The issue for me is I have all this love to give a child and it makes no difference if the kiddo spent time in my uterus or not. The moment I was told I wasn't ovulating properly back in 2009, I was ready to jump right to adoption. Josh wasn't. He's getting there, but expecting both of us to be completely past my body's failure before we adopt? I don't see that happening.
Would I like to have a biological baby? Sure. I guess. Why? I'd like to experience what everyone else I know with kids has experienced. Is it 100% necessary? No, but if SCIENCE! can make it happen, why not? Will I ever get past my body's failure? I don't know, but I don't think this affects my ability to be an effective and loving parent. I know agencies and what not have to have standards. They don't want to knowingly place children in potentially neglectful situations. But it just burns me that there are (if you read the news) countless people who can naturally reproduce who don't just neglect their offspring but abuse, torture, and murder them. These people never have to justify their desire for children to anyone or prove their fitness as parents--until it's too late. To adopt there are personal references, financial disclosures, and often physical exams. There are sometimes psych exams. And the dreaded home study where the facts and emotions of our struggle to conceive will be potentially gone over with a fine tooth comb. I really can't believe that I'm the only infertile woman who feels capable of pursuing fertility treatments while being a loving mom to an adopted child. Of course as my own dear mother was so fond of saying, "Life's not fair." Truer words have never been spoken.

God's Plan

The husband got into with some coworkers earlier this week. One of them said her daughter had just lost her job, but that it was okay because obviously this was all part of God's plan. So of course the husband had to speak up against that. He questioned why God would be interested in her fairly wealthy daughter's career path and not as interested in people who are starving and so forth. The answer was that some things are mysteries and can't be explained.
Let me back up for a moment and say the husband and I are Jewish, but we lean atheist. He more so than me. Not that I really believe in God or anything, but for the most part I don't give a crap.It doesn't bother me when people are hardcore believers as long as they leave me out of it. If one of my coworkers had said something similiar I probably would have ignored it and maybe said something to friends later. But the husband doesn't think religion has any place in our modern world and for some reason he wants to get into arguments.
Where I encounter the God's plan thing most and where it bugs the hell out of me involves procreation. I see stuff all the time where people say/ comment that people like me just need to calm down, because a pregnancy won't happen on our time, it happens on God's time. OH, THANKS.
Part of what really gets me about this God-pregnancy thing or God meddling in our lives thing is this: countless children (including infants) die every day at the hands of abusive parents. That's apparently one of those myseterious things God's okay with. Or maybe he's just way too busy taking care of all these rich peoples' careers and doesn't have time to notice that all these children are being born into shitty homes? The point is I'm not claiming we would be perfect parents, I'm saying I can pretty much guarantee our children will not be victims of abuse. I'll probably have high expectations for my child(ren) academically and behavior-wise, but there will be no beatings or beratings. So if I'm to listen to all these divine-plan people, these are my choices:
1. God has a plan for everyone and some people (including infants) are just meant to have horrible (and possibly very very short) lives.
2. God can't be bothered with the details of making sure people who want children and people who shouldn't have children get what's appropriate.
3. God only cares about rich people problems.
4. God doesn't want me to have a child for some reason.

Have I prayed for for a child? Did I ask God to continue my doomed pregnancies? No, to both. I did wish really hard, but I wouldn't call it praying.

Thursday Optimism

I'd like to congratulate myself for my accomplishments so far this year. When I started "running" in January 3 minutes was difficult and 5 minutes felt damn near impossible. And anything over that and I felt like I was going to die. Last night I had my fastest mile so far (10'21"). Also, back In January I was a at least a size 16. This week I've been wearing some size 12 pants and they're still a little snug, but they don't look obscene. It's so easy for me to focus on the not having a baby thing. I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by gestating fetuses. (And I guess in reality, the weight loss was spurred by the whole wanting a baby thing). But I'm starting to feel better about how I look and this is feeling good. Oh and for the first time in quite a few years I'm not obese. So there's that. I'm just a couple pounds away from my self-imposed goal before going back to treatment and I'm going to pass that by before I get back there. I'm on CD 6 right now, so there's this cycle and then the cycle that should start the first week of July. AND THEN I'll be back to it. I have a hard time believing I'm going to end up with a successful pregnancy, but I also had a hard time believing I could ever wear a size 12 again.



Just 20 min today:
It's No Good - Depeche Mode
Common People Pulp
Time to Dance - Panic at the Disco
Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
John Finn's Wife - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Tuesday Mix and Modern Family Season Finale Spoiler

4.8 more pounds to go. Pretty sure I can make my deadline.

Last night we watched the season finale to Modern Family. Cameron and Mitch had a disappointment with their adoption quest and Mitch had a mini breakdown and they decided to take a break. And the portrayal of Mitch's frustration and emotional state was EXACTLY what I was experiencing before we decided to take a break. The whole trying not to get my hopes up, but getting them up anyway, the crushing disappointment when either the pregnancy didn't stick or there wasn't a pregnancy at all, the unending emotional pain . . . Everything he articulated was exactly how I felt and exactly why I felt such relief when I left the message with my doctor's office saying we were taking a break and I would call them when we were ready. It looks like we're almost ready (physically). I think I'm in a better place emotionally, but I don't know. I guess I won't know until I'm injecting the meds and my feet are back in the stirrups.

I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. Possible outcomes:
1. Nothing
2. Another loss
3. A successful pregnancy (which is really terrifying in another way)

What if we've spent all this time and money and we're not up to the task? What if we can't handle the disruption and noise and everything that comes with a baby? Maybe we'll never get a chance to address those issues. Maybe I'm so defective nothing will ever come of all this. Or maybe I'm with the wrong doctor. Maybe we would have seen success with someone else. Are we doing enough?

Yesterday's elliptical mix:

Let the Day Begin - The Call
Better off Dead - Bad Religion
Open Book - Cake
Go to the Bank - James
Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
Bright Future in Sales - Fountains of Wayne
Camisado - Panic at the Disco
Cadence to Arms - Dropkick Murphys
There's a Good Reason These Tables are Numbered . . . - Panic at the Disco
How's My Driving, Doug Hastings? - Less Than Jake
Just Like Frank - Less Than Jake
Just a Girl - No Doubt
Jaw, Knee, Music - NOFX
Build God, Then We'll Talk - Panic at the Disco
Army - Ben Folds Five

Thursday

Only 20 minutes today. I got so distracted by my marvelous weight. Today I am overweight. Huzzah. And less than 10 lbs to go until I start back with the fertility treatments. So that's also kind of exciting.



How's My Driving, Doug Hastings? - Less Than Jake
Cadence to Arms - Dropkick Murphys
I Found a Reason - VHS or Beta
Army - Ben Folds Five
Jaw, Knee, Music - NOFX
My Goddess - The Exies
Money - The Drums

Today was a good music day during the elliptical. Pulp, a double dose of Panic at the Disco (I think that particular album is perfection), The Bloodhound Gang, and Lonely Island . . . Fantastic.

The home ovulation kit hasn't shown any sort of LH surge yet. Since doing this every month I've never gotten a 2nd line dark enough to indicate a good ovulation, but I've at least shown a surge. Yesterday was Day 14. I guess this morning was darker, but the whole thing is a little late this month.

I'm down 10 pounds since January. That means I'm 50% closer to my goal before restarting fertility treatment. If things keep going like they are I should be close toward the end of July. Also, I'm almost back at my wedding weight, which while not ideal is something I haven't seen for 5 years.

1. Countdown - Pulp
2. The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage - Panic at the Disco
3. London Beckoned Songs about Money Written by Machines - Panic at the Disco
4. Stampeding Elephants - Paul White
5. What You Were - The Drums
6. Dammit - Blink-182
7. Money - The Drums
8. Get You Some - Captain Planet
9. I Hope You Die - Bloodhound Gang
10. I'm on a Boat - Lonely Island

Back After a Break

Tuesday morning I ellipticaled to a Charmed episode. Nothing too strenuous I was just trying to get back into the saddle so to speak after a long weekend of no exercise and overindulgence. No scales were involved, because I don't even want to know. I'll probably start weighing myself again next week. Wednesday I also ellipticaled to an episode, but that was because it was Cycle Day 1 and I wasn't up to doing much else.
Wednesday was rough. I wasn't expecting anything other than the start of a new cycle, but even when I expect the worst I expect the best. The 28th is always a hard day for me. While it certainly wasn't unexpected my grandfather's death devastated me. I have trouble letting go.
But one thing I'm letting go (for the time being anyway) . . . fertility treatments! On a medicated cycle I would be starting injections today. Not this time, mes amis. I'm not putting anymore money into it until I've lost the weight. I haven't told my doctor yet. I'm thinking about making that phone call at lunch today. But I won't be doing any of that crap again for at least 3-4 months. Maybe 6 months. Part of me feels very liberated by this. Part of me is thinking What the hell are you doing? You're giving up on maybe 6 months while you try to lose weight? What if you miss your chance? But I'm mostly ignoring that voice.
I checked out Fully Fertile
from the library. I started the yoga on Thursday. I'm going to try to do it every day. I'm reading the book through. It's a 12 week program and it looks like next week will focus on breathing and energy in and out kinds of things. Yesterday I felt really good when I finished with the yoga. Today there was something not quite right. It felt like something was stuck in my chest, so I did a 20 minute elliptical program to get some bugs out. It sort of worked, but there was still something not quite right.
Today I made an appt for an acupuncture consult for next Friday. It's not expressly for fertility. I'd like to get my periods somewhat normalized if I'm going to keep having them every month. Also, maybe it would help with my weight loss efforts. Or maybe my cholesterol and blood pressure. We shall see.

Today's Mix (I'm feeling lazy so there are no videos. I'm the only one reading this anyway.):
1. These Things - She Wants Revenge
2. Maybe You're Coming Down with It - The High Strung
3. Collapsing Cities feat Shy FX - Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly
4. Killer Machine - Martin Luther
5. Call Me - Blondie

Marching Orders

Weight loss: 0%

Yesterday the dog and I went for an hour walk around the neighborhood. On top of everything else from yesterday that just about did me in. I slept well.
This morning I put in a very grudging 30 min on the elliptical. I'm planning on another 20 minute program after work tonight.
Went in for my ultrasound at 11:30--good lining and a good size follie on my left side (21). So sexytimes tonight and Wednesday morning, trigger shot after work, and since I elected not to get a progesterone reading this time Wednesday begins the dreaded 2WW. That puts me testing around the 28th. Seriously, Universe?
If I do the 20 min program I'll post the playlist again, because that amuses me and with this whole getting hit over the head by the Universe thing I need all the amusement I can get.

A Rededication

Bravelle and IUI didn't work out. So this cycle I'm back to letrozole, because we wanted to do something, but not spend a lot of money. Husband isn't home a lot, so if we mess up our timing we won't be out a crap-ton of money. Tomorrow I get my mid-cycle ultrasound scan and then they'll tell me when to trigger and our sexytimes schedule.
Today I have decided I'm really going to work on this whole losing 10% of my weight thing (it's been shown that sometimes that jump starts the ole fertility). We'll see how long this manic episode lasts. I'm counting this morning's weight as the beginning of the 10%. So far I ellipticalled to the second half of a Charmed episode (Season 4, Episode 6) and then after Husband left for work I did a 20 minute program with my Google Music Let's Get Physical Playlist.
Today's musical accompaniment:
1. Cadence to Arms - Dropkick Murphys
2. Battleflag - Lo Fidelity Allstars
3. Mi Chico Latino - Gerri Halliwell
4. Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge
5. Crazy - Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
6. These Things - She Wants Revenge

Now to shower and head to work. I'll probably do some cleaning when I get home. Maybe take the dog for a walk.