21 Weeks, 2 Days: This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

I'm writing from the hospital and I think I'm mostly done crying. So far my little pups are okay, but my cervix is an asshole. At yesterday's cervix check the ultrasound showed that it had thinned and was starting to dilate. Hence the hospital. Maybe later I'll be able to write more, but right now my brain is on hiatus.

20 Weeks, 2 Days

Everyone's still plugging right along. We had a good anatomy scan last week--both babies were super cooperative and we got an amazing pic of Baby B's spine. it looks like I'm going to be having cervix checks every two weeks.
HOWEVER . . . this week I've been having some terrible pain that my doctor suspects is GI related. Twice this week I've called the on-call doc near tears because of the pain. Both times it cleared up after some Tums (and last night some Tylenol). I must say I've been entirely unprepared for the bowel issues.

17 weeks

We have plans to listen to the little pups with the doppler tonight. Now that we're 5 days out from our last appointment I'm catastrophizing. So hopefully some doppler time will calm things down a bit.

Yesterday I found out a friend from college and his wife are expecting their first baby via a cute Facebook announcement. Then through private messaging I discovered they did IVF. We both shared a bit about our struggles and obviously I don't know how he feels about it, but I was sort of thrilled to find someone else from the IF community. It makes me more excited for their pregnancy. 

16 weeks, 5 days

I had an appointment with my OB Friday, but it was rather non-exciting. From here on out all my appointments with her office will just check bp, urine, and baby hbs. Both babies checked in low to mid 150s. So that's good. What wasn't good was waiting in the stuffy exam room for an hour. Beyond unhappy with that.

I'm starting to tell more people about my "delicate condition," so I guess I'm feeling more comfortable. I sent a message to a cousin Friday (I'll be attending her baby shower on the 3rd) and then 2 other friends today, and I told my retired boss when I ran into him in the parking lot today.

Also today, I cashed the check I received from the small life insurance policy my grandma left to my sister and me. I've been putting off doing anything with it, because I wanted to make sure it was something special (no paying bills with this money) and I couldn't decide what to do with it. Last week I got a letter from the group that sponsored the policy saying I had until this Wednesday to cash the check. So that's what I did. I cashed it and plan to squirrel away the money until I come up with something worthy. I think I'll probably end up just getting a cd or something at the bank until I figure it out. After I left the bank I sat in my car and cried. And then I drove to the grocery store where I engaged in more car crying. And that's the other reason I've put it off. Cashing the check just adds another layer of finality. I don't want the money. I want my grandparents.

12 weeks 1 day

Well, it would seem that I've made it to week 12. Wow. I'm a little nervous, because I'm not as exhausted as I was last week, but then I remember that's expected. I am experiencing constipation, so there's that. (I'd much rather be exhausted). I had an appointment with my GP yesterday to discuss thyroid monitoring during pregnancy. Both she and her assistant were WAAAAYYYY excited for me. That was nice. I've been so guarded with my emotions, but I let the shields down a little bit and let them be excited for me and let myself be excited. It felt good, but I'm back to being guarded now. It's called self preservation.
Monday is my big ole first trimester screening with Maternal Fetal Medicine. Then we wait until July 19th for the next OB appointment. I feel like the results of the first trimester screening will determine when we'll start spreading the news and what news we'll be spreading.
In other news, the dog has stopped eating. I suspect it's related to her teeth and I am planning to call the vet's office to get something set up. We decided that since the EOB for my hospital visit came through and it's being covered at 100% that we could spend the money we were going to spend on that for the poor dog.

11 Weeks, 2 Days

Everything was fine at today's ultrasound. They were both moving around. So since things looked good and I haven't had any spotting for a week and a half, I don't go back to the OB until July 19th. OMG that feels like forever. But we do have the appointment with maternal fetal medicine June 24th, so it's not like we're actually going a month without seeing our lil pups. Also, I don't have to "take it easy" anymore. Pretty excited about that. The doc said to get out and enjoy things now, because later on there might be all kinds of restrictions.

11 Weeks

I have an appointment in two days, but I've convinced myself (again) that it's not going to be a good appointment. Of course I desperately want it to be, but I don't feel anything. At 11 weeks pregnant shouldn't I feel something? I'm wearing bigger pants and skirts, but I don't even really feel bloated anymore. And I'm no longer feeling nausea when I go too long between meals. I am fairly ravenous, but that's about it. I'm tired, but not as tired. I just wish I could know that everything's okay. I'll know on Friday one way or another, but I just want everything to work out this time. Our last time.

10 weeks, 5 days

Last week was our first without an ultrasound. It was a fairly uneventful week for my uterus and surrounding area with nothing more notable than light spotting. Is it weird that I'm bothered by that? My mind is so messed up from all this infertility and related nonsense that no matter what happens I read it as a bad sign. Bleeding? Bad. Not bleeding? Possibly bad, because I've been bleeding the entire time and everything's been fine so why did I stop now? I guess we'll find out this Friday.
Another thing that's giving me pause is that two of the four of us in my online group who started with twins are now down to singletons. They're both pretty devastated and understandably so. (I think they both might have been IVF). While I've considered the possibility of losing one of my little pups, I haven't really considered my emotional response to such a thing. I've considered the absolute soul crushing grief of losing both, but when I was in the ER the thought that maybe one could still be okay was reassuring. But again IVF is a different animal. And since so far both little pups have been okay I haven't really been put in the position they have.
Okay now I'm going to indulge my vanity. I am absolutely back in my "fat" clothes and it pains me. I know I'm gaining weight and that's good for the pups, but I worked so hard to lose those almost 30 pounds and dropping 2 sizes was an amazing feeling. Last summer I felt the best I've ever felt, so psychologically going back to these clothes is difficult. Let me just say that I would much rather be pregnant than thinner and I hope I get much much bigger with my two little pups growing as big as possible, but this is a struggle that I don't feel I can really communicate. And maybe it's because with my infertility brain I'm having such a hard time accepting that this pregnancy is really happening to me.
In other news . . . we now have names for every contingency. We've been set for years with a boy name and a girl name we like. It was just a matter of what if we have two boys or two girls? Now we're ready with 3 options for a 2nd boy and 3 options for a 2nd girl. I feel weird about being so prepared this early . . . like we're just asking for something bad to happen. But I'm also glad to have some options we both agree on especially since Josh's brother and his wife are still trying to agree on a name for their boy who could be born any second now.

8 weeks 6 Days

Right now I am pregnant. I can't speak for tomorrow or next week or even this afternoon, but at this very moment I am pregnant. Today I am worried, because this morning was a bit beyond spotting. And for the first time in about a week there is red and not just brown. And I can't decide if there are cramps or not, so if there are they are not severe. I let myself go without eating long enough to get some morning nausea, because sometimes I just want to feel that to remind myself that I'm presently pregnant. And the worst part for me is being nervous about something happening today and not wanting to say anything to my husband. He starts a new job today, so I didn't even tell him I was worried about the change in bleeding this morning. I don't want him worrying about me all day. So I'm asking all the powers in the Universe to make today okay. Please please please make today and tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that okay.

7 weeks, 5 days

Today I am pregnant. I don't know the future of this pregnancy, but as of today I have carried these embryos for 7 weeks and 5 days, which is longer than before. Saturday we thought we had lost them, but after a trip to the ER we learned they were still there--appropriately sized and hearts beating away. Since the story of Saturday is a bit on the gory side I've put it after the jump. You've been warned.

Will I have any brown hair left at the end of this?

My wonderful wonderful doctor worked me in yesterday for an ultrasound to check on the little guys . . . and EVERYTHING'S FINE! Even better? She let me keep my original appointment for this Friday, so she could get another look at how they're growing.

Mother's Day

It really does suck in its own special way. Facebook is HELL as everyone is posting trite tributes to moms in general. People who post specifically about the very specific moms in their life? No biggie. People who post sweeping generalizations about motherhood and the women who become mothers? How fortunate for you that you don't know what some people are going through.
Last week I thought it would be awful to find out I was losing a pregnancy the Thursday before Mother's Day--oh the cruelty. At the time I did not know I would wake up early Mother's Day to bleeding. I spent 2.5 days thinking the Universe wasn't awful and cruel then came yesterday. I'm hoping everything's okay since the actual bleeding didn't last very long and I've been back to spotting since yesterday morning. But there was some gray material I wiped away last night, so that's potentially not good. My doctor is working me in today at 11:45. Fingers crossed for good news. A little over 2 hours until I leave for the doctor.

Fine . . . hope can stay a little bit longer

I had an ultrasound today and I saw 2 sacs and 2 heartbeats. So now I'll let myself officially feel a little bit excited. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my regular ob-gyn for what they call "OB Ed," so they can give me a big list of things to do and not do, I'm guessing. Then next Friday an appointment with my ob-gyn. Hopefully it's another ultrasound. And hopefully everyone's growing accordingly.

That thing where you keep doing the same thing and you expect different results

So almost 2 weeks ago I had another positive pregnancy test. My first beta was over 1,000 and my 2nd was over 5,000. My first ultrasound was supposed to be this Friday. You know, the Friday before Mother's Day. Maybe it was because I had such high numbers, but despite my natural pessimism (and let's be honest I've earned this pessimism), once again I let myself experience hope. Fuck hope. I pictured putting a freshly printed ultrasound pic in my mom's Mother's Day card. Despite my non-belief in higher powers and fate and all that malarkey I let myself believe having my IUI on my recently deceased grandmother's birthday would mean something to the universe. So here we are 2 days before ultrasound (where I imagined I would see 2 perfect embryos) and I'm spotting with cramps. Since I've also been fighting a particularly nasty cold I've granted myself a sick day. I've decided to try that time honored home remedy of lying in a dark room feeling sorry for myself as I wait for my doc's office to call me back. Will it make everything (or anything) better? Probably not, but since nothing else will either I'm willing to give this a try.

Cycle Day 9: Everyone's Pregnant

At a committee meeting today a member revealed that she's pregnant and due mid-July. My SIL is due around then too. I was supposed to be due at the end of July. In my mind this was the pregnancy that just had to work, because the timing was perfect. We would have had a baby for our 6th anniversary. So July 2013 due dates are hard for me right now. I wish all expectant moms the best, but it's difficult to feel excited for anyone who isn't me.

This is the Pregnancy that will not End

Yesterday's beta was 1003. Yes, that is an increase. Thanks, Universe.
My incisions look good; however, now there's some regret over saving my tube. My doctor thinks if she had just removed the tube we wouldn't be in this situation. So . . . . after leaving the doctor's office I went to the lab to have a CBC and profile. Either this afternoon or tomorrow I will go back to the office and have a methotrexate injection. That's right . . . now I get to have a chemical abortion. I'll have to pick up the medication from the pharmacy of a local hospital and take it with me. If I go tomorrow, I'll stop by the lab and have blood drawn for another beta test.
I will start vaginally bleeding again in 4-7 days. In 4 days I'll have my hcg level checked and then again 7 days from the injection. Then weekly until it's back to baseline. Some people need a second injection. The information they gave me also said some people don't respond to the methotrexate. Which one will I be? Let's start taking bets!
At the very moment what upsets me the most? NO ALCOHOL UNTIL HCG IS BACK TO BASELINE. WHAT?! Fuck you, Smeagol.*

*Smeagol is what we named this embryo. It was partly thanks to my nephew. Our first pregnancy/miscarriage was Delbert. We didn't really name the second one. The third one(s) was/were Dinobaby RAWR. Also, my 3 polyps that were removed were named Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Hold the Phone

This morning's beta was 1900. Ultrasound tomorrow morning.

After the Third Loss is the Fourth Loss

I had another pregnancy and I'm waiting for the actual physical loss right now. My first beta on November 29th was 265. On the 23rd it was 921. Then there was cramping Saturday and Sunday and some bright red bleeding Sunday night. Monday (Nov 26th) my beta was 607. So I stopped the progesterone and am waiting for the real bleeding to start. What's really fucked up is that I haven't had so much as spotting since Monday morning. Really? I've said it before, but seriously once I know things are done I want it the fuck out. The loss is happening, so on with it! When it doesn't progress then I start thinking maybe there's a chance. Maybe I just lost a twin. Maybe maybe maybe maybe. And then when it happens it's awful and terrible and worse than if it had just happened immediately.
My doctor says since I can get pregnant I will go on to have a baby. Eventually. But after how much loss? Yesterday I felt beyond numb. Today a little numb, but not as much. I don't know how much more loss I can take. I don't even feel like I could handle a pregnancy or a child right now. Ever? I just don't feel up to it. I think it's winter and there's no more sunshine and I'm in the midst of this loss, so I'm giving up on everything.

Third Time's A . . . .

August 22nd I had my IUI. Just like one of them prize cows! Or maybe not just like that. The next week I had my progesterone level checked and it was at 59. So that was good. Highest I ever had. Then we were out of town Thursday - Sunday for a friend's wedding and that involved LOTS of food and not a lot of sleep. Just in case a baby was brewing I limited my alcohol consumption to the champagne toast. Then I waited somewhat patiently until yesterday morning to do a pregnancy test.
I actually woke up at 2:30 am and decided to go ahead and test. There was a very faint line and that was it--no more sleep for me. The official bloodwork was done at 10:30 am and the results came back this morning. My beta was 38 and the progesterone 18. They're not super concerned about the progesterone, but I'm going to increase the prometrium to twice a day. Then both levels will be checked again on Monday. I'll definitely be going before work, so I can get the results back Monday afternoon.
I'm definitely not going to relax. Monday's numbers will help, but I just really want to make it to the first ultrasound this time (and beyond!).

Just for posterity's sake here are my previous pregnancy numbers:

Jan 2011
1/5 - hcg - 346
1/7 - hcg - 228
1/10 - hcg - 60
1/14 - hcg - 11

May 2011
5/3 - hcg - 137; progesterone - 13.17
5/5 - hcg - 343
5/9 - hcg 167; progesterone - 6.3
5/16 - hcg - 5