That thing where you keep doing the same thing and you expect different results

So almost 2 weeks ago I had another positive pregnancy test. My first beta was over 1,000 and my 2nd was over 5,000. My first ultrasound was supposed to be this Friday. You know, the Friday before Mother's Day. Maybe it was because I had such high numbers, but despite my natural pessimism (and let's be honest I've earned this pessimism), once again I let myself experience hope. Fuck hope. I pictured putting a freshly printed ultrasound pic in my mom's Mother's Day card. Despite my non-belief in higher powers and fate and all that malarkey I let myself believe having my IUI on my recently deceased grandmother's birthday would mean something to the universe. So here we are 2 days before ultrasound (where I imagined I would see 2 perfect embryos) and I'm spotting with cramps. Since I've also been fighting a particularly nasty cold I've granted myself a sick day. I've decided to try that time honored home remedy of lying in a dark room feeling sorry for myself as I wait for my doc's office to call me back. Will it make everything (or anything) better? Probably not, but since nothing else will either I'm willing to give this a try.

Third Time's A . . . .

August 22nd I had my IUI. Just like one of them prize cows! Or maybe not just like that. The next week I had my progesterone level checked and it was at 59. So that was good. Highest I ever had. Then we were out of town Thursday - Sunday for a friend's wedding and that involved LOTS of food and not a lot of sleep. Just in case a baby was brewing I limited my alcohol consumption to the champagne toast. Then I waited somewhat patiently until yesterday morning to do a pregnancy test.
I actually woke up at 2:30 am and decided to go ahead and test. There was a very faint line and that was it--no more sleep for me. The official bloodwork was done at 10:30 am and the results came back this morning. My beta was 38 and the progesterone 18. They're not super concerned about the progesterone, but I'm going to increase the prometrium to twice a day. Then both levels will be checked again on Monday. I'll definitely be going before work, so I can get the results back Monday afternoon.
I'm definitely not going to relax. Monday's numbers will help, but I just really want to make it to the first ultrasound this time (and beyond!).

Just for posterity's sake here are my previous pregnancy numbers:

Jan 2011
1/5 - hcg - 346
1/7 - hcg - 228
1/10 - hcg - 60
1/14 - hcg - 11

May 2011
5/3 - hcg - 137; progesterone - 13.17
5/5 - hcg - 343
5/9 - hcg 167; progesterone - 6.3
5/16 - hcg - 5

Cycle Day 12: Next Step

Today I had bloodwork and a scan. My estrogen was at 617 and I had two decent size follies--one on the left (@20) and one on the right (@18). My lining measured 14 (last November it was 6). So tonight I'll trigger with the Novarel (1cc) and get busy with the husband. Wednesday morning he'll get frisky with a plastic cup. And then about 90 minutes later I'll go in for the IUI. Thursday night I'll start the prometium. Friday and Monday I'll booster with 1/2 cc each time of the Novarel. Then Wednesday I'll have the bloodwork for progesterone levels. And then the day we'll all be waiting for . . . pregnancy test on September 6th.

Cycle Day 33

So I did the old pregnancy test yesterday morning and it was  . . . negative. So Saturday night was my last dose of progesterone and now I'm just waiting for my period to start. Yesterday I started crying while watching an old episode of Vampire Diaries. This morning I started crying uncontrollably while reading about the Sikh temple shooting in Wisconsin. Thanks, hormones.
But yeah, I'm super sad. Despite my atheism and belief that nothing happens due to divine purpose, I can't get it out of my head that a pregnancy will happen at some sort of divinely inspired time (hello . . . 5th anniversary?!) if I "suffer" through all this. Jump through a set number of hoops and get a baby. Hooray. But that doesn't seem to be the case. A coworker will be birthing soon and she's complaining about discomfort. Do you know what I would give to be obscenely pregnant and about to have a baby? So far 4 years of my life and thousands of dollars. Injections. Me. The person who had to have her MOTHER hold her hand while getting pre-college vaccinations.
In the grand scheme of the world my inability to get pregnant is insignificant. I get that. It doesn't make me any less heartbroken, but I get it. I have a job with benefits, a husband I love (and who loves me), a house, family, pets, 2 cars . . . And I don't feel like I need a baby to feel complete. I know I'll be fine if I have to live the rest of my life without children. But I don't want that life. I want the life with children. Nothing compares to the feeling of a young child falling asleep on my lap. I love that. I want that.
In somewhat happier news I'm wearing size 8 pants today. Sure, they're GAP pants, and their sizes don't necessarily reflect other brands' sizes. But single digit pants! If I can't be pregnant may I at least be thinner. I'm 30 lbs lighter than I was in January. And a smidge over 20 lbs lighter than I was at the end of April. Hopefully the weight loss will help the Bravelle make SUPER follicles.