Tomorrow's Another Year

Tomorrow's 2013. 2012 definitely had some ups and downs. On the upside: 1. My dad survived a serious heart attack; 2. I started running and lost over 20 pounds; 3. Found out we could refinance our house; 4. most relaxing vacation ever at Pymatuning State Park; 5. Aniiversary getaway to Port Clinton; 6. post-miscarriage family vacation to Myrtle Beach
On the downside: 1. another miscarriage; 2. an ectopic pregnancy; 3. spent lots of money

We might spend NYE with my sister and her fam. We might not.

Weight: 160.7 lbs

Today's Mix (20 minute program+ time to end of last song, 320 calories):

Heart in Your Heartbreak - Pains of Being Pure at Heart
Queer - Garbage
Time to Dance - Panic at the Disco
The Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope - The Bloodhound Gang
Ring My Bell - Anita Ward
Local God - Everclear

Embedded music videos after the jump.

Wednesday

This morning I stopped by the lab for another HCG level. Hopefully, it has continued to decrease. It took me longer than necessary to get there, because I missed the turn. I was heading straight to work. Ugh. So while I waited in the lobby I worked on my niece's stocking. Not sure I'll get it done by Christmas, but I'll try. I took a long break from it.
Tomorrow is my post-op appointment. My thyroid level is where they want it, so no more checking for about another 6 months. I took the surgical tape off my incisions this morning. I think everything's still in place. If I'm feeling brave tomorrow I might mention wanting to get a second opinion from the Cleveland Clinic. If I'm not feeling especially brave, I'll just ask my question about whether or not I should have another HSG before we get back to trying.
Saw this article this morning and it made me tear up a bit and appreciate the Jackmans a little bit more:
Hugh Jackman on Grieving After His Wife's Miscarriages

I'd Like to Thank the Universe . . .

Today's ultrasound showed nothing. Just a lot of tissue. So to make a long story short, I just had a whirlwind doc visit wherein we scheduled a D&C for tomorrow afternoon.
Also, the old SIL is pregnant again. Fuck them.

Still Waiting

Cramping and light spotting Friday and Saturday mornings. Other than that? Zilch.

I had bllod work to check my HCG level this morning. Hopefully I'll get a call this afternoon with the results.I know it's stupid to still have hope, but I can't help it. There's definitely a glimmer there. Ugh.

The Bitch of Living

Today is my husband's birthday and my dad's birthday. My dad's 67 and my husband is 32.

Also, this morning I felt sure today would be the day of my physical miscarriage. I started feeling moderately crampy first thing and there was also some spotting. But so far . . . just light spotting. Hopefully everything holds off until the weekend. I'll be interested to see where the HCG level is on Monday. I was thinking it would be 0 by then since I dropped from 921 to 607 from Friday to this past Monday. I also thought (and it was heavily implied by my doctor) that things would probably move pretty quickly once I stopped my progesterone. Well, tick tock . . .

After the Third Loss is the Fourth Loss

I had another pregnancy and I'm waiting for the actual physical loss right now. My first beta on November 29th was 265. On the 23rd it was 921. Then there was cramping Saturday and Sunday and some bright red bleeding Sunday night. Monday (Nov 26th) my beta was 607. So I stopped the progesterone and am waiting for the real bleeding to start. What's really fucked up is that I haven't had so much as spotting since Monday morning. Really? I've said it before, but seriously once I know things are done I want it the fuck out. The loss is happening, so on with it! When it doesn't progress then I start thinking maybe there's a chance. Maybe I just lost a twin. Maybe maybe maybe maybe. And then when it happens it's awful and terrible and worse than if it had just happened immediately.
My doctor says since I can get pregnant I will go on to have a baby. Eventually. But after how much loss? Yesterday I felt beyond numb. Today a little numb, but not as much. I don't know how much more loss I can take. I don't even feel like I could handle a pregnancy or a child right now. Ever? I just don't feel up to it. I think it's winter and there's no more sunshine and I'm in the midst of this loss, so I'm giving up on everything.

Habitual Aborter

Now that I've had three miscarriages, that's my official diagnosis. The doctor warned me, because it'll be on paperwork and probably on the EOBs from the insurance company. Apparently it really upsets some people, but for the most part I'm neutral about it. I know spontaneous abortion is the medical term for a miscarriage. The part of me that isn't neutral is amused. I know. Very mature.

Doctor: Do you know what the medical term is for women who have multiple miscarriages? It's not very nice.
Me: No . . . . (trying to think of what it could be)
Doctor: Habitual aborter.
Me: [snickering (because I'm polite. I saved the outright laughter for once we got in the car)]

Here's the thing. I support a woman's right to choose. And not just in certain circumstances. I believe the only valid reason for an abortion is because the woman has decided that's what is best for her specific situation--whatever that situation might be. I think some women going through infertility treatment feel conflicted about this if they started out pro-choice. But I'm unmoved from my position. An abortion is a decision that should be made by a woman and her doctor. Or the woman and her partner. Or sometimes just the woman by herself. Does it suck that I desperately want to pregnant and can't keep a pregnancy going while some women are ending what could turn out to be healthy pregnancies? Yes. But a lot of things suck. And as my dear mother was so fond of saying, "Life's not fair." She's still alive, but I just haven't heard her say that since I was a child. You see, we stopped saying "that's not fair" pretty early on in life.

My doctor suggested we keep tring with the injectibles and IUI, because that worked. I asked what additional work-up there could be now that I'm a habitual aborter and I've been existing with the belief since May 2011 (2nd miscarriage) that once I hit three SOMETHING would be done. Well, that thinking is sooooooo 2011. They don't do that now. But after some blah blah blahing she said we could do karyotyping. I called the insurance company this morning to check on coverage and they said it has to be pre-approved. So now I'm waiting on that. 90% will be covered once it's approved. I'm sure it still won't be cheap. But I guess it would be nice to know if we're just wasting our time.

Also, today I broke my rule about never telling Work anything. I've decided I want some time off. My family is planning a last minute trip to Myrtle Beach. I had been thinking my husband and I should try to get away for at least a long weekend. So this works out. Vacation therapy, right? So I talked to HR about taking time off and whether it could count as something other than vacation. She was very supportive and thinks it's going to work out. I just have to get the okay from my boss. So I figure I have to tell him. Ugh.

Feeling Strangely Fine

My beta yesterday morning was 5. I expected it to be low, but the 5 kind of took my breath away for a moment. I didn't cry. It was sort of a shocked amazement. The first thing I said was, "So I don't have to go for more blood work, right? 5 is low enough?" Yes, 5 is low enough.
I was supposed to have an ultrasound today. We're still going in to meet with the doctor, but this is now a consult. What happens now? I don't know. I've had three losses. After my second I was told they don't start really looking into until three. So here we are at three and I guess I'll find out this afternoon.
Today I feel sick to my stomach, bloated, gross, and gassy. Hopefully since I've stopped the progeserone suppositories, that will get out of my system and everything will really get going. Pregnancy over? Get it the fuck out.

Yesterday's miscarriage . . . after the jump (in case you want to skip the gory details).