9 weeks 1 Day

Well, tomorrow's another ultrasound. I stayed home from work yesterday, because my bleeding in the morning graduated from spotting to period-level bleeding. So I spent much of the day sleeping and the rest of it watching the rest of the first season of Downton Abbey, reading, eating, and a quick trip to library. The night before I was also in a lot of pain and barely slept. It was on my right side from my mid-back down to my upper thigh. I wound up taking some extra strength tylenol every 4 hours and that helped a little. By morning the pain was much less and by the end of the day it was gone completely.
I'm back at work today, but I fear I may have overdone it with unpacking some boxes in my office. Hopefully not. I'm still just spotting, but I had some abdominal discomfort so I stopped and got back to sedentary computer based activities.

Wednesday is the New Monday

After a thrilling 4 day weekend, it's back to the ole grindstone. Except it isn't really. Today we're in the midst of some winter weather. Our office currently holds just 4 people: 2 office assistants, a student worker, and an HR person. (Isn't funny that when I started up my Google music just now the first song was "Lonesome Town?") It seems most of the mucky mucks had already planned to take today off. We are the troopers. Well, it seems everyone else drove here. I took public transit. It's $2 each way, and well worth it.

View from my window at 9:40 am on 12/26/2012

We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas with my family. My dad has influenza A/ H1N1. My mom seems to also be sick. And my nephew and niece spent a lot of time coughing. It's a miracle we got out of there alive. Of course we could have been infected and it just hasn't kicked in yet.
My hcg level on Monday was 734. It seems to be continuing a downward trend, because I am now experiencing a bit of bleeding. My next blood draw will be Friday. Hopefully I can get my little car out of the neighborhood by then.

So Much Emotion

Yesterday morning I started crying while Josh and I were moving cars (so he could go to work), because I didn't say goodbye to him before we got in our cars. Seriously. Then I wept off and on until I left for work. And good thing I had to go to work, because that got me out of the sad cycle.

Habitual Aborter

Now that I've had three miscarriages, that's my official diagnosis. The doctor warned me, because it'll be on paperwork and probably on the EOBs from the insurance company. Apparently it really upsets some people, but for the most part I'm neutral about it. I know spontaneous abortion is the medical term for a miscarriage. The part of me that isn't neutral is amused. I know. Very mature.

Doctor: Do you know what the medical term is for women who have multiple miscarriages? It's not very nice.
Me: No . . . . (trying to think of what it could be)
Doctor: Habitual aborter.
Me: [snickering (because I'm polite. I saved the outright laughter for once we got in the car)]

Here's the thing. I support a woman's right to choose. And not just in certain circumstances. I believe the only valid reason for an abortion is because the woman has decided that's what is best for her specific situation--whatever that situation might be. I think some women going through infertility treatment feel conflicted about this if they started out pro-choice. But I'm unmoved from my position. An abortion is a decision that should be made by a woman and her doctor. Or the woman and her partner. Or sometimes just the woman by herself. Does it suck that I desperately want to pregnant and can't keep a pregnancy going while some women are ending what could turn out to be healthy pregnancies? Yes. But a lot of things suck. And as my dear mother was so fond of saying, "Life's not fair." She's still alive, but I just haven't heard her say that since I was a child. You see, we stopped saying "that's not fair" pretty early on in life.

My doctor suggested we keep tring with the injectibles and IUI, because that worked. I asked what additional work-up there could be now that I'm a habitual aborter and I've been existing with the belief since May 2011 (2nd miscarriage) that once I hit three SOMETHING would be done. Well, that thinking is sooooooo 2011. They don't do that now. But after some blah blah blahing she said we could do karyotyping. I called the insurance company this morning to check on coverage and they said it has to be pre-approved. So now I'm waiting on that. 90% will be covered once it's approved. I'm sure it still won't be cheap. But I guess it would be nice to know if we're just wasting our time.

Also, today I broke my rule about never telling Work anything. I've decided I want some time off. My family is planning a last minute trip to Myrtle Beach. I had been thinking my husband and I should try to get away for at least a long weekend. So this works out. Vacation therapy, right? So I talked to HR about taking time off and whether it could count as something other than vacation. She was very supportive and thinks it's going to work out. I just have to get the okay from my boss. So I figure I have to tell him. Ugh.

Cycle Day 2: Woman on the Edge

So something interesting happened yesterday afternoon. My insurance company called. The guy I was in the accident with in June has a lawyer. And they say he has some medical bills. And it turns out they're seeking more than my liability coverage. Well, hot dog. Insurance man says to sit tight for now to see if the guy will accept my liability amount. But court may be in my future. I'm not sure where they think this money would come from. We literally have nothing. We owe more on our house than it's worth and to be quite honest if Josh's parents didn't help a couple times a month with some shopping trips and random gift cards, we wouldn't be able to afford any level of fertility treatment. We don't live big fancy lives. And I've been fine with that. But now I'm scared that someone might be able to take away what little we do have.
I picked up my meds today from the pharmacy. I told the woman the discount on Bravelle is about the only good thing that's happened all week. And then I started crying.
And don't get me started about work . . .

Thursday

According to my home scale I'm .8 lbs under this time last week. I'm going to drink my protein shake and not eat or drink anything else until after weigh-in. I also have to find the best outfit to wear. One that adds the least amount of weight.
Today is also my annual review. Little nervous (as usual), but I think I can redirect enough. We'll see. I may update after the weigh-in.




Common People - Pulp
Flagpole Sitta - Harvey Danger
Someone's Gonna Break Your Heart - Fountains of Wayne
My Own Worst Enenmy - Lit
Mi Chico Latino - Geri Halliwell
Basket Case - Green Day
Heart in Your Heartbreak - Pains of Being Pure at Heart
Stampeding Elephants - Paul White
Blowing It - Dinosaur Jr