Cycle Day 3

I'm still waiting to hear officially, but right now it looks like my HSG will be March 15th. They don't normally like to go that far into the cycle, but since we're still actively preventing pregnancy it's okay. I'm looking forward to getting this test done (again) for the information purposes, but not so much for the fun factor. Because it's not fun at all. Of course it's better than the D&C/ectopic surgery, but still not something I want to do all the time.
Weather-wise we're gearing up for what could be a big nothing or the biggest snow of the season or something in between. I was supposed to have a meeting in another county tomorrow, so luckily that was postponed. We do these meetings as potlucks and I had signed up to bring a main dish without any thought as to what I would make. So not only will I not have to slip-slide my way to work if it's terrible, I also won't have to worry about throwing something together food-wise. Win-Win.
At home we're back to counting calories. Huzzah! Time change is this weekend, so starting next week we'll be running again too. Hopefully I can knock off a few pounds before we get back to TTC. I'm back up from my lowest weight by 5 or 6 lbs, but I'm still under where I wanted to be before getting back to it last summer.

Back to the Barrier Method

This morning we did something we haven't done for YEARS. We bought condoms. And I must say that even as a 33 year old married woman, I still feel a bit judged/defensive buying them. But we cannot risk me getting pregnant for 3 months after the methotrexate injection due to chance of birth defects and also the increased risk of another ectopic.

Today's Weight: 160.7

Elliptical (30 min program + time to end of song, 485 calories)
Sheep go to Heaven
Flagpole Sitta
Carlotta Valdez
Kennedy - Kill Hannah
Perhaps Vampires is a Bit Strong but . . . - Arctic Monkeys
Crawling - Lincoln Park
Freak on a Leash - Korn
You Probably Couldn't See for the Lights . . . - Arctic Monkeys
When the Sun Goes Down - Arctic Monkeys
A New Hope - Blink 182

Health Insurance for Everyone!

We might remember my recent surgical attempt to rid my body of Smeagol the embryo? Yes, good. My Explanation of Benefits (EOB) just came through for that.

The total the hospital and various providers charged to the insurance: $48,961.80
The amount my insurance company paid out to the various providers: $12,295.33
The amount I will have to pay out of pocket: $1,263.94

In a perfect world everyone would have this same (or better!) level of health care. Would an uninsured woman be able to get a D&C for a missed miscarriage? What about laproscopic surgery for a suspected (but not yet confirmed) ectopic pregnancy? I'm thankful to have a job that provides these benefits. Do I wish they covered infertility treatments at the same level as everything else? Absolutely. But I would much rather have this very good medical with infertility at the current level of coverage than sucky medical.

In other news, Smeagol's presence is still evident in my HCG level. Today's beta was 62. I was hoping it might be at zero, but the continued downward trend is good enough. Hopefully next Friday will be the magic day.

Tomorrow's Another Year

Tomorrow's 2013. 2012 definitely had some ups and downs. On the upside: 1. My dad survived a serious heart attack; 2. I started running and lost over 20 pounds; 3. Found out we could refinance our house; 4. most relaxing vacation ever at Pymatuning State Park; 5. Aniiversary getaway to Port Clinton; 6. post-miscarriage family vacation to Myrtle Beach
On the downside: 1. another miscarriage; 2. an ectopic pregnancy; 3. spent lots of money

We might spend NYE with my sister and her fam. We might not.

Weight: 160.7 lbs

Today's Mix (20 minute program+ time to end of last song, 320 calories):

Heart in Your Heartbreak - Pains of Being Pure at Heart
Queer - Garbage
Time to Dance - Panic at the Disco
The Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope - The Bloodhound Gang
Ring My Bell - Anita Ward
Local God - Everclear

Embedded music videos after the jump.

This is the Pregnancy that will not End

Yesterday's beta was 1003. Yes, that is an increase. Thanks, Universe.
My incisions look good; however, now there's some regret over saving my tube. My doctor thinks if she had just removed the tube we wouldn't be in this situation. So . . . . after leaving the doctor's office I went to the lab to have a CBC and profile. Either this afternoon or tomorrow I will go back to the office and have a methotrexate injection. That's right . . . now I get to have a chemical abortion. I'll have to pick up the medication from the pharmacy of a local hospital and take it with me. If I go tomorrow, I'll stop by the lab and have blood drawn for another beta test.
I will start vaginally bleeding again in 4-7 days. In 4 days I'll have my hcg level checked and then again 7 days from the injection. Then weekly until it's back to baseline. Some people need a second injection. The information they gave me also said some people don't respond to the methotrexate. Which one will I be? Let's start taking bets!
At the very moment what upsets me the most? NO ALCOHOL UNTIL HCG IS BACK TO BASELINE. WHAT?! Fuck you, Smeagol.*

*Smeagol is what we named this embryo. It was partly thanks to my nephew. Our first pregnancy/miscarriage was Delbert. We didn't really name the second one. The third one(s) was/were Dinobaby RAWR. Also, my 3 polyps that were removed were named Larry, Curly, and Moe.

I'm So Exhausted

Firsties: Whenever I find something helpful I want it to be the same helpful for everyone. So here's yesterday's website find: The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust. So so so so much good information. Most of the sites with info on ectopics are sooooo clinical. This felt like someone wrapping a warm blanket around my shoulders and handing me a warm cup of something comforting (tea, hot chocolate, coffee, rum).

Yesterday right before I left work the doctor's office called with my blood results. (Ah, the power of STAT). 679. We're definitely decreasing, so there are no worries about an errant embryo still clinging on. Phew. My next check will be next Wednesday before I go for my post-op check. Two Three things about post-op: 1. I am currently itchy as all get out at my incisions and 2. I'm wearing real pants for the first time since last Tuesday. They aren't properly buttoned, but they're on. So that feels like an accomplishment. 3. When I woke up this morning I felt pretty rested, but now I'm ready for a nap. I'm looking forward to getting some kind of energy level back. That would be amazing.

Back to Normal?

As soon as the ectopic was confirmed when I came out of anesthesia, I no longer felt sad. I felt immediate relief and gratitude. I was so glad I had been scheduled for the D&C that afternoon and not in the morning when I wouldn't have been feeling pain and not a day or two later so I would have been at work when the intense pain set in. And gratitude that my tube hadn't ruptured. And gratitude that I could stay at the hospital until I was fit to care for myself. And then gratitude that my mom could stay overnight in the hospital even though it was against regulations. I was done mourning this pregnancy, because it was so final. Not only did it just not work, it could have seriously hurt me. In an extreme case, I could have died. Let's not mourn for something like that.
But as the days go by I start slipping into more sadness. I want a lot without giving anything. Part of me wants to be fawned over for people to acknowledge what I've been through, but I don't want to tell anyone what I've been through.
And curse my brain--my non-stop brain. The doctor told my family there's a 10% chance this could happen again. In my mind that means: THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. IN 3 MONTHS WHEN YOU TRY AGAIN THIS. WILL. HAPPEN. And there's the money. The insurance is insisting the October karyotypes should be billed under the infertility coverage. And because of that Josh would have a separate $400 deductible, so we would owe $400 for his and then $138 for mine. And then who knows what the bills will be for last week's surgery and stay. The deductible I paid at admission was $100. And it just occured to me that I probably need some sort of authorization for the hospitalization. I don't know why insurance has to be so hard.
And really it's just so overwhelming. I don't want to be a 35 year old first time mom. I wanted my first child before I was 30. And since this is just dragging on and on (and adoption can take FOREVER) I honestly feel I've missed my opportunity at motherhood. It's probably just hormones and what not, but at this moment I feel like I've just been passed by completely. Stuck forever as pet owner and aunt.

Update: Our employee wellness group just posted this link to Facebook (might they be reading my blog? or could it be that we're currently in the midst of the most depressing time of the year and I'm not the only one?): Depressed? 12 Mental Tricks to Turn it Around

My Surprise Abortion

Tuesday morning I went to my doctor's office for an ultrasound. Monday morning I had a beta HCG test drawn and instead of continuing a decline the result was over three times the value of a week before. One thought was I could have lost a twin, but the second embryo was growing. However, the ultrasound didn't show anything. She could see a lot of tissue, but nothing else visible in the uterus or tubes. She was concerned that there could be a molar pregnancy that was obscured by the vast amount of tissue. She said I needed a D&C this week. She looked at her schedule and said she had time the next afternoon (Wednesday). It was overwhelming. I was by myself, because it's Josh's busy time at work. Up until this point the only person who knew we had been looking at a potential loss was my sister. I knew I would have to tell my parents, because I would need a ride to and from the hospital. Part of me wanted to insist on waiting for more blood work or another ultrasound, but I let myself be carried along. It was hard to discuss much through all the hysterical sobbing.
The result was a 1:00 show time for a 3:00 surgery and the rest of the week off work. So in addition to my parents I would have to tell my boss something. While still at the office I texted my sister. Then as I was pulling out of the parking lot I called my parents. Despite an attempt to hold it together I broke down. (Over the past 4 years I've become very adept at the sobbing while driving). Once that was figured out I called Josh at work and told him that they were going to do surgery to remove the tissue and that my parents were available to drive. Back at work I waited for my boss to get back from meetings and I simply said, "I'm having outpatient surgery tomorrow and will need the rest of the week off." Usually he asks questions, but he didn't and I didn't want to get into it.
With food, water, etc all banned after midnight, I spent most of Wednesday morning in bed. I had started bleeding more overnight, so I put a call in to the doctor's office to find out if they still wanted me if I was bleeding. The answer was still a big yes. My doctor wanted to make sure all the tissue was removed. I was thinking about doing dishes, but decided I needed to stay out of the kitchen--so hungry, but mostly sooooo thirsty. Josh called a little before noon to say we should wait for him, because he was going to be able to make it home. My parents arrived with snacks for post-surgery, a new robe, and fuzzy socks.
At the hospital, my parents dropped us off at the front and then went to park the car. Josh and I walked into the admissions office and once I gave my name, we found our seats. Almost immediately I started feeling a sharp pain on my left side. It became progressively worse as I was checked in and led upstairs to the ambulatory surgery waiting room. Waves on nausea. I had Josh move the trash can close and find me a box of tissues. In the back of my mind I wondered if my parents would find us, but I couldn't focus between the nausea and the pain. My parents did show up. My mom went to find a nurse and my dad sat beside me with his hand on my back as I shook and sobbed. When my mom came back she went to the bathroom for a wet paper towel for the back of my neck. Eventually a nurse came out to make me trade the trash can for a shallow kidney shaped pan. A few minutes later they took me back to a room, so I could change and answer a million more check-in questions. The pain continued to worsen--spreading down my left leg to just above my knee and then up my back to the middle left side. My blood pressure was ridiculously low.
Almost as soon as they finished getting my stats (which included a domestic violence screening) the OR called for me to get prepped. A nurse brought my family back. It was hypothesized that the pain was simply miscarriage. It could feel different because molar pregnancies attach differently. When it was time for me to go, it was decided Josh would go with me for prep. We went down separate ways since the initial prep would have to be done before they brought him back. With each moment that passed the pain worsened. I cried as they wheeled me past the waiting area where Josh sat.
I don't remember the exact order of everything that happened next. There was the constant pain. Eventually an IV was started, Josh was brought back, pain meds were injected into the IV, more pain meds were injected into the IV, a nurse assisting my doctor's current surgery came out to find out what was going on so she could report back to my doctor. They had heard from ambulatory surgery that I wasn't well. My blood pressure was more reasonable. At some point my doctor came out of surgery with the nurse and another doctor. They did an ultrasound to check for fluid in my abdomen, which would have indicated a ruptured tube. There wasn't any. So the plan remained the same: D&C, look for "products of conception," if there aren't any then go looking for an errant implantation (starting on the left). Then more waiting. While we waited, I had Josh rub the pain in my leg. Then they took him away. And I was alone.
In the actual OR prep room I was moved to the operating table and the anesthesia was started. My doctor was there. She stood with her hand on my shoulder. I cried as I fell asleep. It was no longer from the pain in my side--the medicine had taken care of that. It was the realization that this pregnancy was over now. I had mourned it multiple times, and this was the absolute end. My doctor offered comfort, promising we would get this figured out. I heard them discussing the order of things and then I woke up.
It was 7:30 pm when I woke up. I had been under anesthesia for about 3 hours. After the D&C they froze the removed uterine lining, which took an hour. Then when no "products of conception" were seen they started laproscopic surgery. My left Fallopian tube was very swollen and was leaking blood. They were able to remove the offending cells and clots without removing the tube. When my doctor reported back to my family, she said there was a 10% chance of another ectopic and if that happened they would just removed the tube.
I"ll handle the details of my recovery in subsequent posts.

New Year Miracle?

Friday morning I woke up to severe cramps and bleeding. The blood was brown though, so that was better than it being red. I went for bloodwork and was hoping to hear back that afternoon, but it didn't happen. Saturday there was more spotting and cramps, but Sunday was better. So far today nothing.
The results of my bloodwork: beta level was 807 and progesterone was 32. One of those levels is really good and one is not so much. Last Wednesday my beta level was 577, so by Friday it should have been over 1000. So there's some "concern" about what's going on. Google searches suggest eventual miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. Doc's office refuses to say this is over, but I'm thinking this is over. This Thursday I'm going to have an early ultrasound to see if they can see anything in my uterus or if there's something visible in my tubes. Then there will probably be more bloodwork.
In pharmacy news I tried to refill my progesterone today, but because the original rx is for once a day I'm not due for a refill yet. So I had to call the doc's office again today, because I need this for tonight. So hopefully they'll call it in soon, so I can pick it up and then take it tonight to continue with the good progesterone values.