Mother's Day

It really does suck in its own special way. Facebook is HELL as everyone is posting trite tributes to moms in general. People who post specifically about the very specific moms in their life? No biggie. People who post sweeping generalizations about motherhood and the women who become mothers? How fortunate for you that you don't know what some people are going through.
Last week I thought it would be awful to find out I was losing a pregnancy the Thursday before Mother's Day--oh the cruelty. At the time I did not know I would wake up early Mother's Day to bleeding. I spent 2.5 days thinking the Universe wasn't awful and cruel then came yesterday. I'm hoping everything's okay since the actual bleeding didn't last very long and I've been back to spotting since yesterday morning. But there was some gray material I wiped away last night, so that's potentially not good. My doctor is working me in today at 11:45. Fingers crossed for good news. A little over 2 hours until I leave for the doctor.

Fine . . . hope can stay a little bit longer

I had an ultrasound today and I saw 2 sacs and 2 heartbeats. So now I'll let myself officially feel a little bit excited. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my regular ob-gyn for what they call "OB Ed," so they can give me a big list of things to do and not do, I'm guessing. Then next Friday an appointment with my ob-gyn. Hopefully it's another ultrasound. And hopefully everyone's growing accordingly.

That thing where you keep doing the same thing and you expect different results

So almost 2 weeks ago I had another positive pregnancy test. My first beta was over 1,000 and my 2nd was over 5,000. My first ultrasound was supposed to be this Friday. You know, the Friday before Mother's Day. Maybe it was because I had such high numbers, but despite my natural pessimism (and let's be honest I've earned this pessimism), once again I let myself experience hope. Fuck hope. I pictured putting a freshly printed ultrasound pic in my mom's Mother's Day card. Despite my non-belief in higher powers and fate and all that malarkey I let myself believe having my IUI on my recently deceased grandmother's birthday would mean something to the universe. So here we are 2 days before ultrasound (where I imagined I would see 2 perfect embryos) and I'm spotting with cramps. Since I've also been fighting a particularly nasty cold I've granted myself a sick day. I've decided to try that time honored home remedy of lying in a dark room feeling sorry for myself as I wait for my doc's office to call me back. Will it make everything (or anything) better? Probably not, but since nothing else will either I'm willing to give this a try.

Cycle Day 21: Happy Birthday to Me

Yesterday's progesterone was 35.3. I did a booster of Novarel and am now waiting until Friday, April 26th to test since it takes 10 days for the HCG to leave my system.

Today I turn 34, which makes me officially one year away from ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE. So here's hoping this gets sorted out. I'm decidedly unhappy with the way things have gone with my nurses this time. Again, really really hoping this is it for me.

I had a dresser delivered today. Specifically picked today, because talk about a birthday present. Upon inspection, the drawers are all wonky. This makes me feel many different ways . . . irritated, meh, angry, meh, sad, meh, and super irritated. I think I'm so PTSDy from all these losses (especially the last one) that I don't really have many emotions. Who needs drugs to feel like an absolute zombie when you have recurrent pregnancy loss?

Cycle Day 16: Life Goes On

My grandmother has been dead a week now. I was inseminated on Tuesday morning--the day of her funeral (and what would have been her 80th birthday). It would be great if this worked, but if it couldn't work for our wedding anniversary, why would it work for my grandmother's birthday? I want to write something about my grandmother's influence and all that. Must make it happen.

Cycle Day 8: Grow Grow Grow

My estradiol level was 480, my lining was 13 (they want it over 6), and I have some growing follies. The largest one was 14, but I think there was a 13 or two, maybe an 11, and a 9. So the plan is to continue 150 of gonal-f for tonight and tomorrow night and then go for another scan Saturday morning at 8:00 am. The doctor today thought I might be triggering on Saturday. Or it could be Sunday. Also Saturday morning, we're getting our eye exams. So it's shaping up to be another busy weekend.

Cycle Day 5: Money Money Money

I started giving my gonal-f injections Saturday night. I had forgotten about the smell. It's very band-aidy. Today at lunch I picked up a couple more boxes of the gonal-f and a box of novarel. $424.50. Sweet Jesus.

Also on Saturday we went the funeral of the mother of one of my sister's friends. I had never met her, but this particular friend is essentially an extra sister. She's been on family vacation with us. Sitting at the funeral we heard about what an amazing woman her mom was. She will definitely leave a void in the community and in the lives of her three children. It was a good service and more than once I found tears running down my face. I had waffled about going, but I'm glad we were there. Funerals are for the living, and I hoped the family was able to see how much they are loved.