12 weeks, 5 days

So of course I woke up to bright red bleeding this morning. This afternoon is my first appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine. I planned to work until noon and then come home, get ready, and then head to the doctor. So since I was bleeding I also took the morning off. My OB's office said to keep the MFM appointment, but to let them know about the bleeding.
Other things that concern me: my TSH last week had dropped from 1.99 in May to 0.457, I've had 3 b.m.s since 6 am, and I'm doing lots of urinating this morning.

12 weeks 1 day

Well, it would seem that I've made it to week 12. Wow. I'm a little nervous, because I'm not as exhausted as I was last week, but then I remember that's expected. I am experiencing constipation, so there's that. (I'd much rather be exhausted). I had an appointment with my GP yesterday to discuss thyroid monitoring during pregnancy. Both she and her assistant were WAAAAYYYY excited for me. That was nice. I've been so guarded with my emotions, but I let the shields down a little bit and let them be excited for me and let myself be excited. It felt good, but I'm back to being guarded now. It's called self preservation.
Monday is my big ole first trimester screening with Maternal Fetal Medicine. Then we wait until July 19th for the next OB appointment. I feel like the results of the first trimester screening will determine when we'll start spreading the news and what news we'll be spreading.
In other news, the dog has stopped eating. I suspect it's related to her teeth and I am planning to call the vet's office to get something set up. We decided that since the EOB for my hospital visit came through and it's being covered at 100% that we could spend the money we were going to spend on that for the poor dog.

11 Weeks, 2 Days

Everything was fine at today's ultrasound. They were both moving around. So since things looked good and I haven't had any spotting for a week and a half, I don't go back to the OB until July 19th. OMG that feels like forever. But we do have the appointment with maternal fetal medicine June 24th, so it's not like we're actually going a month without seeing our lil pups. Also, I don't have to "take it easy" anymore. Pretty excited about that. The doc said to get out and enjoy things now, because later on there might be all kinds of restrictions.

11 Weeks

I have an appointment in two days, but I've convinced myself (again) that it's not going to be a good appointment. Of course I desperately want it to be, but I don't feel anything. At 11 weeks pregnant shouldn't I feel something? I'm wearing bigger pants and skirts, but I don't even really feel bloated anymore. And I'm no longer feeling nausea when I go too long between meals. I am fairly ravenous, but that's about it. I'm tired, but not as tired. I just wish I could know that everything's okay. I'll know on Friday one way or another, but I just want everything to work out this time. Our last time.

10 weeks, 5 days

Last week was our first without an ultrasound. It was a fairly uneventful week for my uterus and surrounding area with nothing more notable than light spotting. Is it weird that I'm bothered by that? My mind is so messed up from all this infertility and related nonsense that no matter what happens I read it as a bad sign. Bleeding? Bad. Not bleeding? Possibly bad, because I've been bleeding the entire time and everything's been fine so why did I stop now? I guess we'll find out this Friday.
Another thing that's giving me pause is that two of the four of us in my online group who started with twins are now down to singletons. They're both pretty devastated and understandably so. (I think they both might have been IVF). While I've considered the possibility of losing one of my little pups, I haven't really considered my emotional response to such a thing. I've considered the absolute soul crushing grief of losing both, but when I was in the ER the thought that maybe one could still be okay was reassuring. But again IVF is a different animal. And since so far both little pups have been okay I haven't really been put in the position they have.
Okay now I'm going to indulge my vanity. I am absolutely back in my "fat" clothes and it pains me. I know I'm gaining weight and that's good for the pups, but I worked so hard to lose those almost 30 pounds and dropping 2 sizes was an amazing feeling. Last summer I felt the best I've ever felt, so psychologically going back to these clothes is difficult. Let me just say that I would much rather be pregnant than thinner and I hope I get much much bigger with my two little pups growing as big as possible, but this is a struggle that I don't feel I can really communicate. And maybe it's because with my infertility brain I'm having such a hard time accepting that this pregnancy is really happening to me.
In other news . . . we now have names for every contingency. We've been set for years with a boy name and a girl name we like. It was just a matter of what if we have two boys or two girls? Now we're ready with 3 options for a 2nd boy and 3 options for a 2nd girl. I feel weird about being so prepared this early . . . like we're just asking for something bad to happen. But I'm also glad to have some options we both agree on especially since Josh's brother and his wife are still trying to agree on a name for their boy who could be born any second now.

9 weeks 1 Day

Well, tomorrow's another ultrasound. I stayed home from work yesterday, because my bleeding in the morning graduated from spotting to period-level bleeding. So I spent much of the day sleeping and the rest of it watching the rest of the first season of Downton Abbey, reading, eating, and a quick trip to library. The night before I was also in a lot of pain and barely slept. It was on my right side from my mid-back down to my upper thigh. I wound up taking some extra strength tylenol every 4 hours and that helped a little. By morning the pain was much less and by the end of the day it was gone completely.
I'm back at work today, but I fear I may have overdone it with unpacking some boxes in my office. Hopefully not. I'm still just spotting, but I had some abdominal discomfort so I stopped and got back to sedentary computer based activities.

8 weeks 6 Days

Right now I am pregnant. I can't speak for tomorrow or next week or even this afternoon, but at this very moment I am pregnant. Today I am worried, because this morning was a bit beyond spotting. And for the first time in about a week there is red and not just brown. And I can't decide if there are cramps or not, so if there are they are not severe. I let myself go without eating long enough to get some morning nausea, because sometimes I just want to feel that to remind myself that I'm presently pregnant. And the worst part for me is being nervous about something happening today and not wanting to say anything to my husband. He starts a new job today, so I didn't even tell him I was worried about the change in bleeding this morning. I don't want him worrying about me all day. So I'm asking all the powers in the Universe to make today okay. Please please please make today and tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that okay.