10 June 2013

10 weeks, 5 days

Last week was our first without an ultrasound. It was a fairly uneventful week for my uterus and surrounding area with nothing more notable than light spotting. Is it weird that I'm bothered by that? My mind is so messed up from all this infertility and related nonsense that no matter what happens I read it as a bad sign. Bleeding? Bad. Not bleeding? Possibly bad, because I've been bleeding the entire time and everything's been fine so why did I stop now? I guess we'll find out this Friday.
Another thing that's giving me pause is that two of the four of us in my online group who started with twins are now down to singletons. They're both pretty devastated and understandably so. (I think they both might have been IVF). While I've considered the possibility of losing one of my little pups, I haven't really considered my emotional response to such a thing. I've considered the absolute soul crushing grief of losing both, but when I was in the ER the thought that maybe one could still be okay was reassuring. But again IVF is a different animal. And since so far both little pups have been okay I haven't really been put in the position they have.
Okay now I'm going to indulge my vanity. I am absolutely back in my "fat" clothes and it pains me. I know I'm gaining weight and that's good for the pups, but I worked so hard to lose those almost 30 pounds and dropping 2 sizes was an amazing feeling. Last summer I felt the best I've ever felt, so psychologically going back to these clothes is difficult. Let me just say that I would much rather be pregnant than thinner and I hope I get much much bigger with my two little pups growing as big as possible, but this is a struggle that I don't feel I can really communicate. And maybe it's because with my infertility brain I'm having such a hard time accepting that this pregnancy is really happening to me.
In other news . . . we now have names for every contingency. We've been set for years with a boy name and a girl name we like. It was just a matter of what if we have two boys or two girls? Now we're ready with 3 options for a 2nd boy and 3 options for a 2nd girl. I feel weird about being so prepared this early . . . like we're just asking for something bad to happen. But I'm also glad to have some options we both agree on especially since Josh's brother and his wife are still trying to agree on a name for their boy who could be born any second now.

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