28 September 2012

Habitual Aborter

Now that I've had three miscarriages, that's my official diagnosis. The doctor warned me, because it'll be on paperwork and probably on the EOBs from the insurance company. Apparently it really upsets some people, but for the most part I'm neutral about it. I know spontaneous abortion is the medical term for a miscarriage. The part of me that isn't neutral is amused. I know. Very mature.

Doctor: Do you know what the medical term is for women who have multiple miscarriages? It's not very nice.
Me: No . . . . (trying to think of what it could be)
Doctor: Habitual aborter.
Me: [snickering (because I'm polite. I saved the outright laughter for once we got in the car)]

Here's the thing. I support a woman's right to choose. And not just in certain circumstances. I believe the only valid reason for an abortion is because the woman has decided that's what is best for her specific situation--whatever that situation might be. I think some women going through infertility treatment feel conflicted about this if they started out pro-choice. But I'm unmoved from my position. An abortion is a decision that should be made by a woman and her doctor. Or the woman and her partner. Or sometimes just the woman by herself. Does it suck that I desperately want to pregnant and can't keep a pregnancy going while some women are ending what could turn out to be healthy pregnancies? Yes. But a lot of things suck. And as my dear mother was so fond of saying, "Life's not fair." She's still alive, but I just haven't heard her say that since I was a child. You see, we stopped saying "that's not fair" pretty early on in life.

My doctor suggested we keep tring with the injectibles and IUI, because that worked. I asked what additional work-up there could be now that I'm a habitual aborter and I've been existing with the belief since May 2011 (2nd miscarriage) that once I hit three SOMETHING would be done. Well, that thinking is sooooooo 2011. They don't do that now. But after some blah blah blahing she said we could do karyotyping. I called the insurance company this morning to check on coverage and they said it has to be pre-approved. So now I'm waiting on that. 90% will be covered once it's approved. I'm sure it still won't be cheap. But I guess it would be nice to know if we're just wasting our time.

Also, today I broke my rule about never telling Work anything. I've decided I want some time off. My family is planning a last minute trip to Myrtle Beach. I had been thinking my husband and I should try to get away for at least a long weekend. So this works out. Vacation therapy, right? So I talked to HR about taking time off and whether it could count as something other than vacation. She was very supportive and thinks it's going to work out. I just have to get the okay from my boss. So I figure I have to tell him. Ugh.

27 September 2012

Feeling Strangely Fine

My beta yesterday morning was 5. I expected it to be low, but the 5 kind of took my breath away for a moment. I didn't cry. It was sort of a shocked amazement. The first thing I said was, "So I don't have to go for more blood work, right? 5 is low enough?" Yes, 5 is low enough.
I was supposed to have an ultrasound today. We're still going in to meet with the doctor, but this is now a consult. What happens now? I don't know. I've had three losses. After my second I was told they don't start really looking into until three. So here we are at three and I guess I'll find out this afternoon.
Today I feel sick to my stomach, bloated, gross, and gassy. Hopefully since I've stopped the progeserone suppositories, that will get out of my system and everything will really get going. Pregnancy over? Get it the fuck out.

Yesterday's miscarriage . . . after the jump (in case you want to skip the gory details).

25 September 2012

Waiting for a Phone Call

So I'm at work listening to a sad song play list that I have titled Wallow Away. Sometimes I try to reverse my moods with something more upbeat (Climbing out of the Mire), but sometimes I just want to give in. So there we are.
I woke up around 2:00 am with some light red bleeding and cramping. I put on a pad and went back to bed until 5:00 when the alarm went off. The blood was red and constant, but not heavy. Around 7 am it turned into light brown spotting. On my way to work I called and left a message with the nurses. At 10:50 am the red blood came back. Again, it's not heavy. I'm not filling a pad. But I do have cramping.
So I sit here drinking copious amounts of water and waiting for a phone call. And indulging my sadness with my play list.
If this pregnancy isn't going to work out I'd really like for it to not work out soon, so we can get things moving along for our next attempt.

24 September 2012

let's be honest . . .

I really am waiting for bad news. Last night I had some bright red bleeding. It wasn't heavy, but it was BRIGHT RED. And I know that's no good. Since then I've just had occasional brown spotting. The nurse said they're probably just going to wait until Thursday's regularly scheduled ultrasound unless I have more problems, but she'll catch the doc between appointments to make sure. I'll get a call if anything changes.

20 September 2012

Nothing's Definitive

Today's ultrasound didn't show anything growing outside my uterus, so that's good. The possible gestational sacs (yes plural) are too small to show anything. So I go back in next Thursday to see how things are looking. Based on where I am in my cycle the doctor thought they should be bigger. She also said what looked like gestational sacs could be blood vessels in cross section. So not good news yet, but at least I'm probably not going to have a tube rupture and die.
While we were waiting to go in there something awful was happening. There was a woman wailing in the hallway. I only saw her briefly, but she looked obviously pregnant. Her husband (I'm assuming) was trying to help her walk down the hall. She slumped against the wall. A nurse came and put them in a room. After my ultrasound a doctor was taking a wheelchair to their room. Nothing good could have been happening. My heart goes out to her and I know whatever was happening is obviously devastating. I hope she eventually finds some peace and is surrounded by unconditional love.
I will anxiously await my next ultrasound on Thursday. Hopefully there's some growth. And omg I would love twins!

17 September 2012

New Year Miracle?

Friday morning I woke up to severe cramps and bleeding. The blood was brown though, so that was better than it being red. I went for bloodwork and was hoping to hear back that afternoon, but it didn't happen. Saturday there was more spotting and cramps, but Sunday was better. So far today nothing.
The results of my bloodwork: beta level was 807 and progesterone was 32. One of those levels is really good and one is not so much. Last Wednesday my beta level was 577, so by Friday it should have been over 1000. So there's some "concern" about what's going on. Google searches suggest eventual miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. Doc's office refuses to say this is over, but I'm thinking this is over. This Thursday I'm going to have an early ultrasound to see if they can see anything in my uterus or if there's something visible in my tubes. Then there will probably be more bloodwork.
In pharmacy news I tried to refill my progesterone today, but because the original rx is for once a day I'm not due for a refill yet. So I had to call the doc's office again today, because I need this for tonight. So hopefully they'll call it in soon, so I can pick it up and then take it tonight to continue with the good progesterone values.

12 September 2012

so this is new

Just got the call with this morning's bloodwork. My beta level was 577 and progesterone was 29. Even though the beta didn't double they consider it okay, because it increased at least 70%. So that's it. No more bloodwork. That idea kind of scares me. I WANT/NEED to know what's going on. So I'm just going to have to trust that little dino-baby roar (our name for this pregnancy) is going to behave until our ultrasound on September 27th. Today's the 12th. I'm going to be a nervous wreck.

10 September 2012

Grow, Dino-Baby, Grow

Today's beta was 300. That's a little more than doubling every 48 hours. The nurse had asked for a progesterone, but they didn't run that one. But I go back on Wednesday morning, so I should get both levels then. As you might remember from the previous post I've never gone above 346. So if I'm up on Wednesday that will be the furthest I've been. Fingers crossed. Might even make it to an ultrasound this time. Do I dare to dream that big?

07 September 2012

Third Time's A . . . .

August 22nd I had my IUI. Just like one of them prize cows! Or maybe not just like that. The next week I had my progesterone level checked and it was at 59. So that was good. Highest I ever had. Then we were out of town Thursday - Sunday for a friend's wedding and that involved LOTS of food and not a lot of sleep. Just in case a baby was brewing I limited my alcohol consumption to the champagne toast. Then I waited somewhat patiently until yesterday morning to do a pregnancy test.
I actually woke up at 2:30 am and decided to go ahead and test. There was a very faint line and that was it--no more sleep for me. The official bloodwork was done at 10:30 am and the results came back this morning. My beta was 38 and the progesterone 18. They're not super concerned about the progesterone, but I'm going to increase the prometrium to twice a day. Then both levels will be checked again on Monday. I'll definitely be going before work, so I can get the results back Monday afternoon.
I'm definitely not going to relax. Monday's numbers will help, but I just really want to make it to the first ultrasound this time (and beyond!).

Just for posterity's sake here are my previous pregnancy numbers:

Jan 2011
1/5 - hcg - 346
1/7 - hcg - 228
1/10 - hcg - 60
1/14 - hcg - 11

May 2011
5/3 - hcg - 137; progesterone - 13.17
5/5 - hcg - 343
5/9 - hcg 167; progesterone - 6.3
5/16 - hcg - 5