30 November 2012

The Bitch of Living

Today is my husband's birthday and my dad's birthday. My dad's 67 and my husband is 32.

Also, this morning I felt sure today would be the day of my physical miscarriage. I started feeling moderately crampy first thing and there was also some spotting. But so far . . . just light spotting. Hopefully everything holds off until the weekend. I'll be interested to see where the HCG level is on Monday. I was thinking it would be 0 by then since I dropped from 921 to 607 from Friday to this past Monday. I also thought (and it was heavily implied by my doctor) that things would probably move pretty quickly once I stopped my progesterone. Well, tick tock . . .

28 November 2012

After the Third Loss is the Fourth Loss

I had another pregnancy and I'm waiting for the actual physical loss right now. My first beta on November 29th was 265. On the 23rd it was 921. Then there was cramping Saturday and Sunday and some bright red bleeding Sunday night. Monday (Nov 26th) my beta was 607. So I stopped the progesterone and am waiting for the real bleeding to start. What's really fucked up is that I haven't had so much as spotting since Monday morning. Really? I've said it before, but seriously once I know things are done I want it the fuck out. The loss is happening, so on with it! When it doesn't progress then I start thinking maybe there's a chance. Maybe I just lost a twin. Maybe maybe maybe maybe. And then when it happens it's awful and terrible and worse than if it had just happened immediately.
My doctor says since I can get pregnant I will go on to have a baby. Eventually. But after how much loss? Yesterday I felt beyond numb. Today a little numb, but not as much. I don't know how much more loss I can take. I don't even feel like I could handle a pregnancy or a child right now. Ever? I just don't feel up to it. I think it's winter and there's no more sunshine and I'm in the midst of this loss, so I'm giving up on everything.

13 November 2012

Cycle Day 22: The Dentist

First, I'm a big ball of anxiety today, because my cavity is being filled. First time with this particular dentist and he doesn't seem as gentle as the previous one. Ugh!

Our karyotypes came back normal, so that's good I guess. I am getting a little tired of everything coming back "fine" when nothing's working. It would be nice if we could get an ah-ha moment. Oh, so that's why nothing ever works . . . No such luck.

I'm currently waiting for my doc's office to call with yesterday's progesterone and thyroid values. I haven't been consitently doing the progesterone twice a day. So we'll see. But the levothyroxine is every morning like clockwork. Except for the morning I took 2, but that's not so bad.

Yesterday's progesterone was 63 (which is good, because it's above 12), so I guess I can keep doing what I'm doing. My thyroid (TSH) was 3.2, so they're upping me to 1.5 pills of my current stash and calling in a new rx for the higher dose. They want me under 2.5.

06 November 2012

Cycle Day 15: Election Day

Sunday's IUI happened. Post-wash sperm count was 7 million with 94% motility. Last time the sperm count was 13 million. But I was expecting lower, because we were a bit late with our sexytime. Friday night didn't work out sso well, so we postponed to Saturday morning. The doctor said they want to see anywhere from5 million to 10 million, so that's where we were. He also said I had a cyst on my vaginal wall, but it wasn't anything to worry about.
Irritatingly, a couple had their 4 year old daughter with them. It was distracting to say the least. She was pretty well behaved, but come on . . .

Today is Election Day. We voted first thing, so we didn't really have any issues. Tonight we're going out for Korean food and then Josh will be glued to the tv as the results come in.

I also had a dentist appointment today. I'll be getting a cavity filled next Tuesday. Ugh!

02 November 2012

Cycle Day 11 Part 2: Instructions

This morning's estrogen level was 1,502. I'm going to trigger tonight between 9 and 10 pm with 1 cc of Novarel. Tonight is also prescribed sexytime.
Saturday we will be chaste.
Sunday morning Josh will get frisky with the cup at 7:30 am (that early and no lube? but he's a pro by now). Then at 9:00 I show up for my part of this thing.
Monday evening I start progesterone. Starting Tuesday it will be twice a day.
Tuesday: 1/2 cc Novarel booster
Friday: 1/2 cc Novarel booster
Monday (Nov 12th) bloodwork for progesterone and thyroid.
And then we wait . . . .
Ugh so not looking forward to the 3 IM injections! But if this works we'll have an anniversary baby. So in my mind that pretty much guarantees it won't happen, because that would be too perfect.

Also, we're moving ahead with the refinancing. We went with a 30 year loan, so the min payment would be smaller (just in case). This morning I emailed over all the signed paperwork and bank statements and pay stubs. So off we go.

Cycle Day 11: Onward

At today's ultrasound I had one follie at 21, one at 14-something, and more at 10. So we're moving ahead with the trigger shot. The IUI will be on Sunday. I don't have all my instructions yet, but just knowing the general order of things is helpful I guess.
The blood draw this morning was time consuming. Apparently they were short some people, so there was a lobby full of hormones just chomping at the bit. I had a book and I hate bitching about waiting room times, so I kept to myself. But there were some that were just feeding off each other. Sheesh. Was I happy about waiting over half and hour? No. Was there anything I could do? No. So I kept my mouth shut and read my book.
I had my doctor for the scan, so I felt more confident about everything. Mostly. My Wednesday estrogen level was 708, so it will be interesting to see today's. Wednesday and Thursday I dropped down to 75 units of gonal-f, so I still have 2 vials of Bravelle and one unused gonal-f pen. Hopefully I won't need them, but they're there if I do, I guess.

Today was another $44.43, so my running total thus far is $594.08.