31 December 2012

Tomorrow's Another Year

Tomorrow's 2013. 2012 definitely had some ups and downs. On the upside: 1. My dad survived a serious heart attack; 2. I started running and lost over 20 pounds; 3. Found out we could refinance our house; 4. most relaxing vacation ever at Pymatuning State Park; 5. Aniiversary getaway to Port Clinton; 6. post-miscarriage family vacation to Myrtle Beach
On the downside: 1. another miscarriage; 2. an ectopic pregnancy; 3. spent lots of money

We might spend NYE with my sister and her fam. We might not.

Weight: 160.7 lbs

Today's Mix (20 minute program+ time to end of last song, 320 calories):

Heart in Your Heartbreak - Pains of Being Pure at Heart
Queer - Garbage
Time to Dance - Panic at the Disco
The Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope - The Bloodhound Gang
Ring My Bell - Anita Ward
Local God - Everclear

Embedded music videos after the jump.

28 December 2012

Tylenol Just Won't Cut It

Another trip to the lab this morning. It wasn't crowded at all--in and out in record time. Today's value is: 438 Next lab work is scheduled for next Friday! Huzzah.

Last night my bleeding increased to heavy bleeding. So that's good since it most likely means the HCG level is still in decline. But not so good? Cramps! Normally I load up on on advil or motrin (whatever's handy), but those are currently on the forbidden list. They did say tylenol is okay, but that didn't actually do anything for me. So last night I broke out the ole heating pad. It's the one I used ever since my first cramps started. It looks very 1970s, but I don't know for sure how old it is. It has colors like mustard yellow and turquoise and it's a paisley pattern. I've been using it since the early 90s. A bit of menstrual cramp nostalgia right there. But of course every other time I've relied on the magic of the heating pad I've also been on copious amounts of ibuprofen. At one pint last night I turned off the heating pad. Apparently a mistake, because I woke up later and needed it again. But the good news is I've been told I can take my hydrocodone that's leftover from my surgery if my cramps get bad again. Sweet!

The roads are greatly improved after Wednesday's weather. HOWEVER, we could get 1-3 inches tonight. Ugh.

And another thing. Today is the 10th anniversary of my grandfather's death. My eyes still well up with tears every time I think about it. In fact (I wasn't sure of the exact year until my uncle posted it on Facebook today), but it was the reason I didn't want my parents to reschedule Christmas this year. We rescheduled Christmas in 2002, because my grandfather wasn't doing well. He was having back pain and they wound up calling a squad to take him to the hospital. Three days later he died. He had cancer and wasn't going to live much longer anyway, but it just felt too awful to reschedule Christmas because of my dad's influenza and developing pneumonia. Irrationally, in the back of my mind I thought the same thing could happen. We almost lost my dad in March and I didn't want to chance it this week. Superstitious? YES!!!!!!

People Who Can Have Children Updated 12/28

These people can all have children. I cannot.

Investigators: Lancaster Man Had Meth-Making Materials, Kids At Home - 30 year old man with 2 young kids at home (ages 2 & 4). Police were called by neighbors because of suspected drug activity in the house.

Ohio Woman Facing 5th Drunken Driving Charge - 32 year old mother caught drunken driving with her 8 year old son and a bottle of rum in the car.

Mom Charged after Thrown Baby Dies - 25 year old mother threw her 6 month old baby against a hard surface. He suffered skull fractures and brain damage and died at the hospital.

Parents Indicted In Connection With 2-Year-Old’s Scalding Death - I don't blame them at all for the scalding death. That was a tragic tragic accident. However, no one involved realized he needed major help. I'm not as upset about this family. They're more on the fringes of my anger at the universe.

26 December 2012

Wednesday is the New Monday

After a thrilling 4 day weekend, it's back to the ole grindstone. Except it isn't really. Today we're in the midst of some winter weather. Our office currently holds just 4 people: 2 office assistants, a student worker, and an HR person. (Isn't funny that when I started up my Google music just now the first song was "Lonesome Town?") It seems most of the mucky mucks had already planned to take today off. We are the troopers. Well, it seems everyone else drove here. I took public transit. It's $2 each way, and well worth it.
snowy view from window
View from my window at 9:40 am on 12/26/2012

We spent Christmas Eve and Christmas with my family. My dad has influenza A/ H1N1. My mom seems to also be sick. And my nephew and niece spent a lot of time coughing. It's a miracle we got out of there alive. Of course we could have been infected and it just hasn't kicked in yet.
My hcg level on Monday was 734. It seems to be continuing a downward trend, because I am now experiencing a bit of bleeding. My next blood draw will be Friday. Hopefully I can get my little car out of the neighborhood by then.

21 December 2012

Take that, Errant Embryo!

This morning I had another blood draw for an official pre-treatment HCG level. Then I went to the doctor's office to get my methotrexate injections (yes, plural). One in each hip. Ugh. Monday I go back for another HCG. And then next Friday. The nurse said next Friday is the important one. From that one they'll know if it's decreasing enough. So here's hoping today marks the beginning of the end of Smeagol.
In other apocalyptic news, it's snowing! Gross! And it could snow on Monday. Thumbs down!

Update: My hcg level this morning (pre-injection) was 944. So there was already some decrease, so hopefully with the methotrexate there will be a continues decrease and no more of this back and forth.

20 December 2012

Small Elegy by Reginald Gibbons

Small Elegy by Reginald Gibbons

"Someone has left us now
before we have even touched hands."

This is the Pregnancy that will not End

Yesterday's beta was 1003. Yes, that is an increase. Thanks, Universe.
My incisions look good; however, now there's some regret over saving my tube. My doctor thinks if she had just removed the tube we wouldn't be in this situation. So . . . . after leaving the doctor's office I went to the lab to have a CBC and profile. Either this afternoon or tomorrow I will go back to the office and have a methotrexate injection. That's right . . . now I get to have a chemical abortion. I'll have to pick up the medication from the pharmacy of a local hospital and take it with me. If I go tomorrow, I'll stop by the lab and have blood drawn for another beta test.
I will start vaginally bleeding again in 4-7 days. In 4 days I'll have my hcg level checked and then again 7 days from the injection. Then weekly until it's back to baseline. Some people need a second injection. The information they gave me also said some people don't respond to the methotrexate. Which one will I be? Let's start taking bets!
At the very moment what upsets me the most? NO ALCOHOL UNTIL HCG IS BACK TO BASELINE. WHAT?! Fuck you, Smeagol.*

*Smeagol is what we named this embryo. It was partly thanks to my nephew. Our first pregnancy/miscarriage was Delbert. We didn't really name the second one. The third one(s) was/were Dinobaby RAWR. Also, my 3 polyps that were removed were named Larry, Curly, and Moe.

People Who Can Have Children

These people can all have children. I cannot.

Ohio Woman Facing 5th Drunken Driving Charge - 32 year old mother caught drunken driving with her 8 year old son and a bottle of rum in the car.

Mom Charged after Thrown Baby Dies - 25 year old mother threw her 6 month old baby against a hard surface. He suffered skull fractures and brain damage and died at the hospital.

Parents Indicted In Connection With 2-Year-Old’s Scalding Death - I don't blame them at all for the scalding death. That was a tragic tragic accident. However, no one involved realized he needed major help. I'm not as upset about this family. They're more on the fringes of my anger at the universe.

19 December 2012


This morning I stopped by the lab for another HCG level. Hopefully, it has continued to decrease. It took me longer than necessary to get there, because I missed the turn. I was heading straight to work. Ugh. So while I waited in the lobby I worked on my niece's stocking. Not sure I'll get it done by Christmas, but I'll try. I took a long break from it.
Tomorrow is my post-op appointment. My thyroid level is where they want it, so no more checking for about another 6 months. I took the surgical tape off my incisions this morning. I think everything's still in place. If I'm feeling brave tomorrow I might mention wanting to get a second opinion from the Cleveland Clinic. If I'm not feeling especially brave, I'll just ask my question about whether or not I should have another HSG before we get back to trying.
Saw this article this morning and it made me tear up a bit and appreciate the Jackmans a little bit more:
Hugh Jackman on Grieving After His Wife's Miscarriages

17 December 2012

So Much Emotion

Yesterday morning I started crying while Josh and I were moving cars (so he could go to work), because I didn't say goodbye to him before we got in our cars. Seriously. Then I wept off and on until I left for work. And good thing I had to go to work, because that got me out of the sad cycle.

13 December 2012

Money Money Money

Doctor's office just called. The karyotypes are going to be resubmitted, so the cost won't be as astronomical (hopefully). So that's good.

I started poking around in my online medical chart. For some reason it didn't automatically occur to me that my surgery and hospitalization would be there. My discharge instructions are there too. So that's kinda nifty. But there's this so black & white under surgical history:
Treatment Abortion Missed 1st Trimester W/ D&c

12 December 2012

I'm So Exhausted

Firsties: Whenever I find something helpful I want it to be the same helpful for everyone. So here's yesterday's website find: The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust. So so so so much good information. Most of the sites with info on ectopics are sooooo clinical. This felt like someone wrapping a warm blanket around my shoulders and handing me a warm cup of something comforting (tea, hot chocolate, coffee, rum).

Yesterday right before I left work the doctor's office called with my blood results. (Ah, the power of STAT). 679. We're definitely decreasing, so there are no worries about an errant embryo still clinging on. Phew. My next check will be next Wednesday before I go for my post-op check. Two Three things about post-op: 1. I am currently itchy as all get out at my incisions and 2. I'm wearing real pants for the first time since last Tuesday. They aren't properly buttoned, but they're on. So that feels like an accomplishment. 3. When I woke up this morning I felt pretty rested, but now I'm ready for a nap. I'm looking forward to getting some kind of energy level back. That would be amazing.

11 December 2012


About an hour ago my doctor's office called. The pathology report for the contents of my left tube came back a wee bit unexpected. Blood clots only. No products of conception. The nurse asked if I was bleeding (um yes) and experiencing pain (yes, cramping and mild-ish discomfort on my right side). These things are not unexpected. However, the doctor wanted me to get my blood drawn this morning to check the beta HCG level. So off I drove to the lab. I called my parents. My dad answered. He obviously didn't understand (or maybe hear correctly), so my mom called concerned that I was passing clots, which I have been, but which isn't really a huge concern. The gist of it is my blood is drawn, the lab order said STAT, and now I'm waiting (patiently-ish) for the results, which could come this afternoon or tomorrow morning.
I texted my sister about the situation, and she likened the search for my POC to the search for WMDs in Iraq. "WHERE ARE U HIDING YOUR PRODUCTS OF CONCEPTION?" This makes me laugh.


Last night I decided to light our candles. For whatever reason Josh has been reluctant to participate in the celebration of the miracle this year, but yesterday morning I thought to myself Fuck him. I want to light the damn candles. I could use a little miracle in my life right about now. So after I got home, took care of the dog and cats, and put dinner in the fridge (impulse buy of pizza and bread sticks), I trudged my way to the basement and dug out a menorah and box of candles. I looked up the blessings on the Chabad website. I'm not so into their politics, but if I need a blessing fast or a quickie explanation of how to do something . . .
So the candles were lit, I turned out the lights, and I began keening to anyone who might be listening from the ether. After about 10 minutes I settled down and just watched the flames. I felt exhausted, but not sleepy. I just relaxed into the futon and watched the flames until the last one went out. It was the shamash and it happened the moment Josh's car door shut in the driveway.

10 December 2012

Back to Normal?

As soon as the ectopic was confirmed when I came out of anesthesia, I no longer felt sad. I felt immediate relief and gratitude. I was so glad I had been scheduled for the D&C that afternoon and not in the morning when I wouldn't have been feeling pain and not a day or two later so I would have been at work when the intense pain set in. And gratitude that my tube hadn't ruptured. And gratitude that I could stay at the hospital until I was fit to care for myself. And then gratitude that my mom could stay overnight in the hospital even though it was against regulations. I was done mourning this pregnancy, because it was so final. Not only did it just not work, it could have seriously hurt me. In an extreme case, I could have died. Let's not mourn for something like that.
But as the days go by I start slipping into more sadness. I want a lot without giving anything. Part of me wants to be fawned over for people to acknowledge what I've been through, but I don't want to tell anyone what I've been through.
And curse my brain--my non-stop brain. The doctor told my family there's a 10% chance this could happen again. In my mind that means: THIS WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. IN 3 MONTHS WHEN YOU TRY AGAIN THIS. WILL. HAPPEN. And there's the money. The insurance is insisting the October karyotypes should be billed under the infertility coverage. And because of that Josh would have a separate $400 deductible, so we would owe $400 for his and then $138 for mine. And then who knows what the bills will be for last week's surgery and stay. The deductible I paid at admission was $100. And it just occured to me that I probably need some sort of authorization for the hospitalization. I don't know why insurance has to be so hard.
And really it's just so overwhelming. I don't want to be a 35 year old first time mom. I wanted my first child before I was 30. And since this is just dragging on and on (and adoption can take FOREVER) I honestly feel I've missed my opportunity at motherhood. It's probably just hormones and what not, but at this moment I feel like I've just been passed by completely. Stuck forever as pet owner and aunt.

Update: Our employee wellness group just posted this link to Facebook (might they be reading my blog? or could it be that we're currently in the midst of the most depressing time of the year and I'm not the only one?): Depressed? 12 Mental Tricks to Turn it Around

09 December 2012

My Surprise Abortion

Tuesday morning I went to my doctor's office for an ultrasound. Monday morning I had a beta HCG test drawn and instead of continuing a decline the result was over three times the value of a week before. One thought was I could have lost a twin, but the second embryo was growing. However, the ultrasound didn't show anything. She could see a lot of tissue, but nothing else visible in the uterus or tubes. She was concerned that there could be a molar pregnancy that was obscured by the vast amount of tissue. She said I needed a D&C this week. She looked at her schedule and said she had time the next afternoon (Wednesday). It was overwhelming. I was by myself, because it's Josh's busy time at work. Up until this point the only person who knew we had been looking at a potential loss was my sister. I knew I would have to tell my parents, because I would need a ride to and from the hospital. Part of me wanted to insist on waiting for more blood work or another ultrasound, but I let myself be carried along. It was hard to discuss much through all the hysterical sobbing.
The result was a 1:00 show time for a 3:00 surgery and the rest of the week off work. So in addition to my parents I would have to tell my boss something. While still at the office I texted my sister. Then as I was pulling out of the parking lot I called my parents. Despite an attempt to hold it together I broke down. (Over the past 4 years I've become very adept at the sobbing while driving). Once that was figured out I called Josh at work and told him that they were going to do surgery to remove the tissue and that my parents were available to drive. Back at work I waited for my boss to get back from meetings and I simply said, "I'm having outpatient surgery tomorrow and will need the rest of the week off." Usually he asks questions, but he didn't and I didn't want to get into it.
With food, water, etc all banned after midnight, I spent most of Wednesday morning in bed. I had started bleeding more overnight, so I put a call in to the doctor's office to find out if they still wanted me if I was bleeding. The answer was still a big yes. My doctor wanted to make sure all the tissue was removed. I was thinking about doing dishes, but decided I needed to stay out of the kitchen--so hungry, but mostly sooooo thirsty. Josh called a little before noon to say we should wait for him, because he was going to be able to make it home. My parents arrived with snacks for post-surgery, a new robe, and fuzzy socks.
At the hospital, my parents dropped us off at the front and then went to park the car. Josh and I walked into the admissions office and once I gave my name, we found our seats. Almost immediately I started feeling a sharp pain on my left side. It became progressively worse as I was checked in and led upstairs to the ambulatory surgery waiting room. Waves on nausea. I had Josh move the trash can close and find me a box of tissues. In the back of my mind I wondered if my parents would find us, but I couldn't focus between the nausea and the pain. My parents did show up. My mom went to find a nurse and my dad sat beside me with his hand on my back as I shook and sobbed. When my mom came back she went to the bathroom for a wet paper towel for the back of my neck. Eventually a nurse came out to make me trade the trash can for a shallow kidney shaped pan. A few minutes later they took me back to a room, so I could change and answer a million more check-in questions. The pain continued to worsen--spreading down my left leg to just above my knee and then up my back to the middle left side. My blood pressure was ridiculously low.
Almost as soon as they finished getting my stats (which included a domestic violence screening) the OR called for me to get prepped. A nurse brought my family back. It was hypothesized that the pain was simply miscarriage. It could feel different because molar pregnancies attach differently. When it was time for me to go, it was decided Josh would go with me for prep. We went down separate ways since the initial prep would have to be done before they brought him back. With each moment that passed the pain worsened. I cried as they wheeled me past the waiting area where Josh sat.
I don't remember the exact order of everything that happened next. There was the constant pain. Eventually an IV was started, Josh was brought back, pain meds were injected into the IV, more pain meds were injected into the IV, a nurse assisting my doctor's current surgery came out to find out what was going on so she could report back to my doctor. They had heard from ambulatory surgery that I wasn't well. My blood pressure was more reasonable. At some point my doctor came out of surgery with the nurse and another doctor. They did an ultrasound to check for fluid in my abdomen, which would have indicated a ruptured tube. There wasn't any. So the plan remained the same: D&C, look for "products of conception," if there aren't any then go looking for an errant implantation (starting on the left). Then more waiting. While we waited, I had Josh rub the pain in my leg. Then they took him away. And I was alone.
In the actual OR prep room I was moved to the operating table and the anesthesia was started. My doctor was there. She stood with her hand on my shoulder. I cried as I fell asleep. It was no longer from the pain in my side--the medicine had taken care of that. It was the realization that this pregnancy was over now. I had mourned it multiple times, and this was the absolute end. My doctor offered comfort, promising we would get this figured out. I heard them discussing the order of things and then I woke up.
It was 7:30 pm when I woke up. I had been under anesthesia for about 3 hours. After the D&C they froze the removed uterine lining, which took an hour. Then when no "products of conception" were seen they started laproscopic surgery. My left Fallopian tube was very swollen and was leaking blood. They were able to remove the offending cells and clots without removing the tube. When my doctor reported back to my family, she said there was a 10% chance of another ectopic and if that happened they would just removed the tube.
I"ll handle the details of my recovery in subsequent posts.

06 December 2012

Right Place at the Right Time

I'll write more later, but the gist is I just returned from an overnight stay at the hospital wherein my ectopic pregnancy was removed.

04 December 2012

I'd Like to Thank the Universe . . .

Today's ultrasound showed nothing. Just a lot of tissue. So to make a long story short, I just had a whirlwind doc visit wherein we scheduled a D&C for tomorrow afternoon.
Also, the old SIL is pregnant again. Fuck them.

03 December 2012

Hold the Phone

This morning's beta was 1900. Ultrasound tomorrow morning.

Still Waiting

Cramping and light spotting Friday and Saturday mornings. Other than that? Zilch.

I had bllod work to check my HCG level this morning. Hopefully I'll get a call this afternoon with the results.I know it's stupid to still have hope, but I can't help it. There's definitely a glimmer there. Ugh.

30 November 2012

The Bitch of Living

Today is my husband's birthday and my dad's birthday. My dad's 67 and my husband is 32.

Also, this morning I felt sure today would be the day of my physical miscarriage. I started feeling moderately crampy first thing and there was also some spotting. But so far . . . just light spotting. Hopefully everything holds off until the weekend. I'll be interested to see where the HCG level is on Monday. I was thinking it would be 0 by then since I dropped from 921 to 607 from Friday to this past Monday. I also thought (and it was heavily implied by my doctor) that things would probably move pretty quickly once I stopped my progesterone. Well, tick tock . . .

28 November 2012

After the Third Loss is the Fourth Loss

I had another pregnancy and I'm waiting for the actual physical loss right now. My first beta on November 29th was 265. On the 23rd it was 921. Then there was cramping Saturday and Sunday and some bright red bleeding Sunday night. Monday (Nov 26th) my beta was 607. So I stopped the progesterone and am waiting for the real bleeding to start. What's really fucked up is that I haven't had so much as spotting since Monday morning. Really? I've said it before, but seriously once I know things are done I want it the fuck out. The loss is happening, so on with it! When it doesn't progress then I start thinking maybe there's a chance. Maybe I just lost a twin. Maybe maybe maybe maybe. And then when it happens it's awful and terrible and worse than if it had just happened immediately.
My doctor says since I can get pregnant I will go on to have a baby. Eventually. But after how much loss? Yesterday I felt beyond numb. Today a little numb, but not as much. I don't know how much more loss I can take. I don't even feel like I could handle a pregnancy or a child right now. Ever? I just don't feel up to it. I think it's winter and there's no more sunshine and I'm in the midst of this loss, so I'm giving up on everything.

13 November 2012

Cycle Day 22: The Dentist

First, I'm a big ball of anxiety today, because my cavity is being filled. First time with this particular dentist and he doesn't seem as gentle as the previous one. Ugh!

Our karyotypes came back normal, so that's good I guess. I am getting a little tired of everything coming back "fine" when nothing's working. It would be nice if we could get an ah-ha moment. Oh, so that's why nothing ever works . . . No such luck.

I'm currently waiting for my doc's office to call with yesterday's progesterone and thyroid values. I haven't been consitently doing the progesterone twice a day. So we'll see. But the levothyroxine is every morning like clockwork. Except for the morning I took 2, but that's not so bad.

Yesterday's progesterone was 63 (which is good, because it's above 12), so I guess I can keep doing what I'm doing. My thyroid (TSH) was 3.2, so they're upping me to 1.5 pills of my current stash and calling in a new rx for the higher dose. They want me under 2.5.

06 November 2012

Cycle Day 15: Election Day

Sunday's IUI happened. Post-wash sperm count was 7 million with 94% motility. Last time the sperm count was 13 million. But I was expecting lower, because we were a bit late with our sexytime. Friday night didn't work out sso well, so we postponed to Saturday morning. The doctor said they want to see anywhere from5 million to 10 million, so that's where we were. He also said I had a cyst on my vaginal wall, but it wasn't anything to worry about.
Irritatingly, a couple had their 4 year old daughter with them. It was distracting to say the least. She was pretty well behaved, but come on . . .

Today is Election Day. We voted first thing, so we didn't really have any issues. Tonight we're going out for Korean food and then Josh will be glued to the tv as the results come in.

I also had a dentist appointment today. I'll be getting a cavity filled next Tuesday. Ugh!

02 November 2012

Cycle Day 11 Part 2: Instructions

This morning's estrogen level was 1,502. I'm going to trigger tonight between 9 and 10 pm with 1 cc of Novarel. Tonight is also prescribed sexytime.
Saturday we will be chaste.
Sunday morning Josh will get frisky with the cup at 7:30 am (that early and no lube? but he's a pro by now). Then at 9:00 I show up for my part of this thing.
Monday evening I start progesterone. Starting Tuesday it will be twice a day.
Tuesday: 1/2 cc Novarel booster
Friday: 1/2 cc Novarel booster
Monday (Nov 12th) bloodwork for progesterone and thyroid.
And then we wait . . . .
Ugh so not looking forward to the 3 IM injections! But if this works we'll have an anniversary baby. So in my mind that pretty much guarantees it won't happen, because that would be too perfect.

Also, we're moving ahead with the refinancing. We went with a 30 year loan, so the min payment would be smaller (just in case). This morning I emailed over all the signed paperwork and bank statements and pay stubs. So off we go.

Cycle Day 11: Onward

At today's ultrasound I had one follie at 21, one at 14-something, and more at 10. So we're moving ahead with the trigger shot. The IUI will be on Sunday. I don't have all my instructions yet, but just knowing the general order of things is helpful I guess.
The blood draw this morning was time consuming. Apparently they were short some people, so there was a lobby full of hormones just chomping at the bit. I had a book and I hate bitching about waiting room times, so I kept to myself. But there were some that were just feeding off each other. Sheesh. Was I happy about waiting over half and hour? No. Was there anything I could do? No. So I kept my mouth shut and read my book.
I had my doctor for the scan, so I felt more confident about everything. Mostly. My Wednesday estrogen level was 708, so it will be interesting to see today's. Wednesday and Thursday I dropped down to 75 units of gonal-f, so I still have 2 vials of Bravelle and one unused gonal-f pen. Hopefully I won't need them, but they're there if I do, I guess.

Today was another $44.43, so my running total thus far is $594.08.

31 October 2012

Cycle Day 9: Halloween Edition

So at my ultrasound this morning there were quite a few follies, but they hadn't really grown much. We'll see what they say this afternoon after they get my estrogen level back. The blood draw guy said I don't talk much when I go in there. I almost said I don't talk much period, but instead I smiled and told him I'm just not a morning person.
In amazing news, it turns out we do qualify for HARP to refinance our mortgage. We're going to go from 7.357% to 2.875%. It's also going to be a 15 year loan instead of a 30. AND my payments are going to be less than what we're paying now!!!!! And best of all since it's HARP, there's no need for an appraisal. First I won a gift card to the grocery store, now the mortgage, what next? (Hopefully we're not using up all our luck on non-baby things).

Also, here's how we are with the finances for this cycle:
Monday: $60.57
Wednesday: $44.43
So the total so far is: $549.65

30 October 2012

Cycle Day 8: WTF October

As part of FRANKENSTORM, we had some gusting winds (which continue, I guess) and some wet snow this morning. So far no widespread power outages here, which is good with it being so cold.

Yesterday's estrogen number was 238. I checked my August cycle and the Day 8 number then was 127 and the lead follicle was 11. So I'm ahead. Hopefully we get some quality eggs.

29 October 2012

Cycle Day 7: Following the Leader

At this morning's ultrasound the lead follie was at 13 and there were 4 or 5 others at 10. So we'll see what the doc has to say about that this afternoon when they call with further instructions.
We saw the in-laws yesterday. It wasn't terrible. Now that the twins are older (almost 2) they don't bother me so much. But if I really start to think about it . . . they were born right after I had my first miscarriage. But thankfully my brain isn't taking it beyond that point. Last weekend? I probably would have fallen down that rabbit hole and not been able to crawl out for days and days and days. On the phone last night the ole MIL told my husband she thinks we would have cute babies. Thanks . . .
We're supposed to get high winds today and tomorrow as part of this hurricane/FRANKENSTORM thing. Hopefully we won't lose power. This time of year is so horrible. It's dark all the time AND cold. I'm thankful we're not in an area that's supposed to get 2-3 feet of snow or obviously all the flooding and damage that comes from being directly hit by the hurricane.

26 October 2012

Cycle Day 4: TGIF?

Last night marked the beginning of my injections. I picked them up from the pharmacy yesterday and spent $444.65 all together (gonal-f, novarel, and sharps container). It was going to be in the $600s, but apparently there's a discount program for gonal-f. So hooray.
Even though I still have 3 vials of Bravelle left, I started with the gonal-f pen last night. I was curious to see how it would work. It's supposed to be kept refirgerated and it's a pen with a "dial-a-dose" dealy, so yeah. When you prime the pen, a small bit of the meds comes out. My husband and I both thought it smelled bandagey. So that was weird-ish. On the whole it's a slightly different technique, and I'm not sure I like it just yet. With the Bravelle, it's an actual syringe and the plunger depresses MUCH further and it just feels like you've actually done something. But oh boy I'll sure get that feeling when it's time for the trigger shot. :(
We ran again on Wednesday and will go again tonight. I was slower Wednesday, but I think it was due to a combination of feeling like crap and 80 degree temps. Today's high is supposed to be 60, so we won't have that problem again. Still feeling a little jiggly in the butt area, but hopefully we can keep up the running through November and I'll get some muscle tone back. It'll still be under a layer of flab, but still . . .
And of all the things I'm not looking forward to . . . in-law visit on Sunday. Ugh.

23 October 2012

Cycle Day 1: Part Two (The Plan)

Starting Thursday I'll be back to my injections. I'll finish off the Bravelle (2 vials at a time) and then we're switching to gonal-f (150) because that's what the insurance covers now. Thanks, insurance for doing my doctor's job for her. Gonal-f is a bit different in that I don't mix the meds. They're in a pen and I just dial in the dose. Crazy. Monday I go for my first ultrasound.

Cycle Day 1: Here We Go Again

I actually started my period last night, but since it was after 6 pm, today is DAY ONE. We went running last night. When we got home we took our showers and had dinner. During dinner I felt crampy, but I wasn't sure if it was dehydration. After dinner I went to the bathroom and HELLO! Not just dehydration. We only ran for 10 minutes and walked for 25. I felt pretty good for the 10 minutes and just a little jiggly. I'm still under the goal weight for going back to treatment, so that's good.
I knew this was coming--and not just from the days on the calendar. Yesterday afternoon I was feeling so ridiculously low. Living seemed like an insurmountable burden. But not in a dangerously close to suicide way. It was more how can I possibly take another step? How can I do anything other than lie under the covers in my bed? I did feel a bit better after our run, but I figured it was either period time or I was pregnant (ha!). We did have a few days of unprotected sexytimes around ovulation, but  . . . right.
So here we are. We still haven't done the karyotyping, but I  think maybe that'll be tomorrow. I have been taking my levothyroxine every day for nearly 3 weeks now. I go for the followup bloodwork November 12th.
Another thing we've decided to focus on--refinancing our mortgage. Fingers crossed that we can do it.

15 October 2012

Back to Reality

sunset from 2nd Ave Pier
Sunset from the 2nd Ave Pier, Myrtle Beach, South Carolina
 Myrtle Beach was just what I needed. There was some time for contemplation, but for the most part it was just spending time with family. There are few things a week on a beach can't fix. Or maybe not fix exactly, but definitely ease. It was rough getting back into the daily routine this morning. What do you mean I can't stay in bed until 9:00? No lounging at the beach reading Diana Gabaldon? What kind of life is this?

Also, exciting was the Browns win over the Bengals yesterday.

02 October 2012

Some Things

  1. My doctor doesn't believe in taking time off after a pregnancy loss. She thinks I might just sit around and cry and dwell on things. Fuck her. I'm going to Medieval Times. There's no crying at Medieval Times. Or the Lazy River at the hotel pool!
  2. The insurance company requires pre-auth on all genetic testing. Hey, Tea Partiers, this isn't Obamacare. The government's not deciding what kind of medical care I can receive. This is the SOP of insurance companies, because for some reason the insurance companies get to decide what level of care patients receive. Apparently they know better than the doctors.
  3. Apparently in the authorization letter the insurance company faxed my doctor's office they have given the authorization to test, but they're not guaranteeing that they'll pay for the test. WTF insurance company? Either you're paying or you're not, because I'm sure as hell not paying out of pocket for genetic testing.
  4. My TSH level is higher than the doctor likes, so I'm going to start thyroid medication. Some internet posters feel thyroid meds are magical and I should be able to get pregnant with a million babies once I start meds. Looking forward to that.
  5. My parents called last night to say they want to help pay for part of last cycle's meds. Forget all the bad things I've ever said about them. Well, maybe not all . . . .
  6. We went running after work yesterday. First time in about 1.5 months. More jiggling than I remember. I've only gained about 1-2 lbs since stopping running, but apparently it's all fat!

01 October 2012

Is Everything Okay?

yes, no, and i don't know

I think I'm mostly okay, but sadness comes in waves. And when it comes I'm sad about EVERYTHING. Another miscarriage. One day my parents are going to die. One day Josh is going to die. I'm going to die. One of us will have to live without the other for a period of time. Things like that rush in and I can't keep them out. What if the insurance company doesn't approve the genetic testing? What if I hit the lifetime max on the infertility insurance? And on and on and on.

I'm afraid the doctor will only agree to write a note about my pending absence if I agree to counseling. I'm not interested in counseling. Counseling has never done much for me. If she says that I guess I'll just use my vacation time.

28 September 2012

Habitual Aborter

Now that I've had three miscarriages, that's my official diagnosis. The doctor warned me, because it'll be on paperwork and probably on the EOBs from the insurance company. Apparently it really upsets some people, but for the most part I'm neutral about it. I know spontaneous abortion is the medical term for a miscarriage. The part of me that isn't neutral is amused. I know. Very mature.

Doctor: Do you know what the medical term is for women who have multiple miscarriages? It's not very nice.
Me: No . . . . (trying to think of what it could be)
Doctor: Habitual aborter.
Me: [snickering (because I'm polite. I saved the outright laughter for once we got in the car)]

Here's the thing. I support a woman's right to choose. And not just in certain circumstances. I believe the only valid reason for an abortion is because the woman has decided that's what is best for her specific situation--whatever that situation might be. I think some women going through infertility treatment feel conflicted about this if they started out pro-choice. But I'm unmoved from my position. An abortion is a decision that should be made by a woman and her doctor. Or the woman and her partner. Or sometimes just the woman by herself. Does it suck that I desperately want to pregnant and can't keep a pregnancy going while some women are ending what could turn out to be healthy pregnancies? Yes. But a lot of things suck. And as my dear mother was so fond of saying, "Life's not fair." She's still alive, but I just haven't heard her say that since I was a child. You see, we stopped saying "that's not fair" pretty early on in life.

My doctor suggested we keep tring with the injectibles and IUI, because that worked. I asked what additional work-up there could be now that I'm a habitual aborter and I've been existing with the belief since May 2011 (2nd miscarriage) that once I hit three SOMETHING would be done. Well, that thinking is sooooooo 2011. They don't do that now. But after some blah blah blahing she said we could do karyotyping. I called the insurance company this morning to check on coverage and they said it has to be pre-approved. So now I'm waiting on that. 90% will be covered once it's approved. I'm sure it still won't be cheap. But I guess it would be nice to know if we're just wasting our time.

Also, today I broke my rule about never telling Work anything. I've decided I want some time off. My family is planning a last minute trip to Myrtle Beach. I had been thinking my husband and I should try to get away for at least a long weekend. So this works out. Vacation therapy, right? So I talked to HR about taking time off and whether it could count as something other than vacation. She was very supportive and thinks it's going to work out. I just have to get the okay from my boss. So I figure I have to tell him. Ugh.

27 September 2012

Feeling Strangely Fine

My beta yesterday morning was 5. I expected it to be low, but the 5 kind of took my breath away for a moment. I didn't cry. It was sort of a shocked amazement. The first thing I said was, "So I don't have to go for more blood work, right? 5 is low enough?" Yes, 5 is low enough.
I was supposed to have an ultrasound today. We're still going in to meet with the doctor, but this is now a consult. What happens now? I don't know. I've had three losses. After my second I was told they don't start really looking into until three. So here we are at three and I guess I'll find out this afternoon.
Today I feel sick to my stomach, bloated, gross, and gassy. Hopefully since I've stopped the progeserone suppositories, that will get out of my system and everything will really get going. Pregnancy over? Get it the fuck out.

Yesterday's miscarriage . . . after the jump (in case you want to skip the gory details).

25 September 2012

Waiting for a Phone Call

So I'm at work listening to a sad song play list that I have titled Wallow Away. Sometimes I try to reverse my moods with something more upbeat (Climbing out of the Mire), but sometimes I just want to give in. So there we are.
I woke up around 2:00 am with some light red bleeding and cramping. I put on a pad and went back to bed until 5:00 when the alarm went off. The blood was red and constant, but not heavy. Around 7 am it turned into light brown spotting. On my way to work I called and left a message with the nurses. At 10:50 am the red blood came back. Again, it's not heavy. I'm not filling a pad. But I do have cramping.
So I sit here drinking copious amounts of water and waiting for a phone call. And indulging my sadness with my play list.
If this pregnancy isn't going to work out I'd really like for it to not work out soon, so we can get things moving along for our next attempt.

24 September 2012

let's be honest . . .

I really am waiting for bad news. Last night I had some bright red bleeding. It wasn't heavy, but it was BRIGHT RED. And I know that's no good. Since then I've just had occasional brown spotting. The nurse said they're probably just going to wait until Thursday's regularly scheduled ultrasound unless I have more problems, but she'll catch the doc between appointments to make sure. I'll get a call if anything changes.

20 September 2012

Nothing's Definitive

Today's ultrasound didn't show anything growing outside my uterus, so that's good. The possible gestational sacs (yes plural) are too small to show anything. So I go back in next Thursday to see how things are looking. Based on where I am in my cycle the doctor thought they should be bigger. She also said what looked like gestational sacs could be blood vessels in cross section. So not good news yet, but at least I'm probably not going to have a tube rupture and die.
While we were waiting to go in there something awful was happening. There was a woman wailing in the hallway. I only saw her briefly, but she looked obviously pregnant. Her husband (I'm assuming) was trying to help her walk down the hall. She slumped against the wall. A nurse came and put them in a room. After my ultrasound a doctor was taking a wheelchair to their room. Nothing good could have been happening. My heart goes out to her and I know whatever was happening is obviously devastating. I hope she eventually finds some peace and is surrounded by unconditional love.
I will anxiously await my next ultrasound on Thursday. Hopefully there's some growth. And omg I would love twins!

17 September 2012

New Year Miracle?

Friday morning I woke up to severe cramps and bleeding. The blood was brown though, so that was better than it being red. I went for bloodwork and was hoping to hear back that afternoon, but it didn't happen. Saturday there was more spotting and cramps, but Sunday was better. So far today nothing.
The results of my bloodwork: beta level was 807 and progesterone was 32. One of those levels is really good and one is not so much. Last Wednesday my beta level was 577, so by Friday it should have been over 1000. So there's some "concern" about what's going on. Google searches suggest eventual miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. Doc's office refuses to say this is over, but I'm thinking this is over. This Thursday I'm going to have an early ultrasound to see if they can see anything in my uterus or if there's something visible in my tubes. Then there will probably be more bloodwork.
In pharmacy news I tried to refill my progesterone today, but because the original rx is for once a day I'm not due for a refill yet. So I had to call the doc's office again today, because I need this for tonight. So hopefully they'll call it in soon, so I can pick it up and then take it tonight to continue with the good progesterone values.

12 September 2012

so this is new

Just got the call with this morning's bloodwork. My beta level was 577 and progesterone was 29. Even though the beta didn't double they consider it okay, because it increased at least 70%. So that's it. No more bloodwork. That idea kind of scares me. I WANT/NEED to know what's going on. So I'm just going to have to trust that little dino-baby roar (our name for this pregnancy) is going to behave until our ultrasound on September 27th. Today's the 12th. I'm going to be a nervous wreck.

10 September 2012

Grow, Dino-Baby, Grow

Today's beta was 300. That's a little more than doubling every 48 hours. The nurse had asked for a progesterone, but they didn't run that one. But I go back on Wednesday morning, so I should get both levels then. As you might remember from the previous post I've never gone above 346. So if I'm up on Wednesday that will be the furthest I've been. Fingers crossed. Might even make it to an ultrasound this time. Do I dare to dream that big?

07 September 2012

Third Time's A . . . .

August 22nd I had my IUI. Just like one of them prize cows! Or maybe not just like that. The next week I had my progesterone level checked and it was at 59. So that was good. Highest I ever had. Then we were out of town Thursday - Sunday for a friend's wedding and that involved LOTS of food and not a lot of sleep. Just in case a baby was brewing I limited my alcohol consumption to the champagne toast. Then I waited somewhat patiently until yesterday morning to do a pregnancy test.
I actually woke up at 2:30 am and decided to go ahead and test. There was a very faint line and that was it--no more sleep for me. The official bloodwork was done at 10:30 am and the results came back this morning. My beta was 38 and the progesterone 18. They're not super concerned about the progesterone, but I'm going to increase the prometrium to twice a day. Then both levels will be checked again on Monday. I'll definitely be going before work, so I can get the results back Monday afternoon.
I'm definitely not going to relax. Monday's numbers will help, but I just really want to make it to the first ultrasound this time (and beyond!).

Just for posterity's sake here are my previous pregnancy numbers:

Jan 2011
1/5 - hcg - 346
1/7 - hcg - 228
1/10 - hcg - 60
1/14 - hcg - 11

May 2011
5/3 - hcg - 137; progesterone - 13.17
5/5 - hcg - 343
5/9 - hcg 167; progesterone - 6.3
5/16 - hcg - 5

20 August 2012

Cycle Day 12: Next Step

Today I had bloodwork and a scan. My estrogen was at 617 and I had two decent size follies--one on the left (@20) and one on the right (@18). My lining measured 14 (last November it was 6). So tonight I'll trigger with the Novarel (1cc) and get busy with the husband. Wednesday morning he'll get frisky with a plastic cup. And then about 90 minutes later I'll go in for the IUI. Thursday night I'll start the prometium. Friday and Monday I'll booster with 1/2 cc each time of the Novarel. Then Wednesday I'll have the bloodwork for progesterone levels. And then the day we'll all be waiting for . . . pregnancy test on September 6th.

16 August 2012

Cycle Day 8: Silence of the Pigs

For whatever reason I was feeling pretty defeated this morning. Something about the bloodwork and scan. Then I had to go stop in at work before driving about an hour north to meet someone for an item exchange. While I was waiting for the other person I got to listen to a truck full of piggies scream. It was fairly unpleasant. I wanted to tell them, "It's not my fault. I don't eat you." But they wouldn't have really cared. They just wanted OUT of that truck.
On my way back to work I stopped by my sister's to pick up some peaches. They're sitting on my desk right now and I can smell their deliciousness. I'll probably have one before the day's over.
So anyway. Today's big news: the doc's office called with my bloodwork. My estrogen level is at 127 and my biggest follie is an 11. Apparently the last time we did this my first estrogen level was a 90. So I guess that's promising. I forget what she said about my first follie reading though. So the updated plan is 2 vials daily until Sunday night and then more bloodwork and a scan on Monday morning.

14 August 2012

Cycle Day 6: Excuse my Nausea

I've been using 1 vial of Bravelle a night since Day 3. Tonight and tomorrow night they want me to up that to two vials. Currently I'm suffering from yuck stomach (medical term) from the time I wake up until sometime in the early afternoon. Hopefully those friggin follies are growing, because I won't be too happy if I'm going through this crap and not seeing any results.

10 August 2012

Cycle Day 2: Woman on the Edge

So something interesting happened yesterday afternoon. My insurance company called. The guy I was in the accident with in June has a lawyer. And they say he has some medical bills. And it turns out they're seeking more than my liability coverage. Well, hot dog. Insurance man says to sit tight for now to see if the guy will accept my liability amount. But court may be in my future. I'm not sure where they think this money would come from. We literally have nothing. We owe more on our house than it's worth and to be quite honest if Josh's parents didn't help a couple times a month with some shopping trips and random gift cards, we wouldn't be able to afford any level of fertility treatment. We don't live big fancy lives. And I've been fine with that. But now I'm scared that someone might be able to take away what little we do have.
I picked up my meds today from the pharmacy. I told the woman the discount on Bravelle is about the only good thing that's happened all week. And then I started crying.
And don't get me started about work . . .

09 August 2012

Cycle Day 1: The Plan

Hello, cramps. I've really enjoyed your presence these past couple days. Yesterday was a super light flow, so the doc's office said to count today as Day One.

Bravelle starts Day Three (Saturday). I will do 1 vial Saturday through Monday. Then 2 vials Tuesday and
Wednesday. Thursday morning I will do bloodwork and an ultrasound. Then Thursday afternoon I'll get my next set of instructions.

Deep cleansing breaths . . .

So I almost fell over DEAD when the pharmacy said the cost of the Bravelle + Novarel was going to be almost $700. Visions of Josh turning to life a stripping and/or prostitution . . . But then the wonderful woman on the phone put me on hold and checked to see if I qualified for some program. And by golly I did. So now my out of pocket Bravelle cost is $100 and the Novarel is $16.98. Bless the people at Avella Specialty Pharmacy. Last time we did this my out of pocket was $300-something. So this doubling thing . . . no good. But now I want to hug everyone at Avella and give them brownies. Is that normal? At least I'm not crying, because that's another way this could have gone. Tears of happiness that such an amazing discount program exists.


We took my officemate to lunch today. This was what my fortune cookie revealed: You cannot put the same shoe on every foot. Try amending your plan.

Way to be supportive, cookie.

07 August 2012

And Another Thing

Friday night I got an email from my bank saying there was suspicious activity on my account. I logged into my account and sure enough. Someone had charged a little over $200 in 3 separate transactions in Louisiana--one at Office Depot and two at Kroger. So Friday night the bank put a stop to my debit card. Saturday I went to a branch office and the woman took the info so she could order a new card (and transfer my points!). However, I couldn't dispute the transactions, because they were still pending. This morning they posted, so I took and early lunch and went to another branch office to initiate the disputing of the transactions. I feel fairly confident this will resolve in my favor.

06 August 2012

Cycle Day 33

So I did the old pregnancy test yesterday morning and it was  . . . negative. So Saturday night was my last dose of progesterone and now I'm just waiting for my period to start. Yesterday I started crying while watching an old episode of Vampire Diaries. This morning I started crying uncontrollably while reading about the Sikh temple shooting in Wisconsin. Thanks, hormones.
But yeah, I'm super sad. Despite my atheism and belief that nothing happens due to divine purpose, I can't get it out of my head that a pregnancy will happen at some sort of divinely inspired time (hello . . . 5th anniversary?!) if I "suffer" through all this. Jump through a set number of hoops and get a baby. Hooray. But that doesn't seem to be the case. A coworker will be birthing soon and she's complaining about discomfort. Do you know what I would give to be obscenely pregnant and about to have a baby? So far 4 years of my life and thousands of dollars. Injections. Me. The person who had to have her MOTHER hold her hand while getting pre-college vaccinations.
In the grand scheme of the world my inability to get pregnant is insignificant. I get that. It doesn't make me any less heartbroken, but I get it. I have a job with benefits, a husband I love (and who loves me), a house, family, pets, 2 cars . . . And I don't feel like I need a baby to feel complete. I know I'll be fine if I have to live the rest of my life without children. But I don't want that life. I want the life with children. Nothing compares to the feeling of a young child falling asleep on my lap. I love that. I want that.
In somewhat happier news I'm wearing size 8 pants today. Sure, they're GAP pants, and their sizes don't necessarily reflect other brands' sizes. But single digit pants! If I can't be pregnant may I at least be thinner. I'm 30 lbs lighter than I was in January. And a smidge over 20 lbs lighter than I was at the end of April. Hopefully the weight loss will help the Bravelle make SUPER follicles.

01 August 2012

Cycle Day 28

Over the weekend we went away for our 5th Anniversary. Which seems like a lifetime and like nothing all at once.
July 29, 2007 - All Seasons Garden, Dawes Arboretum, Newark, Ohio

Inn at Spiess Harbor
July 27, 2012 - Inn at Spiess Harbor, Erie Islands Resort and Marina, Port Clinton, Ohio
 We were a couple for 7 years before we got married, so a part of me will always feel our wedding anniversary tells an incomplete story. Our wedding anniversary shows the time in our lives that I got a decent job with great benefits that we could share. And the time when we thought we should get to this baby making thing. We didn't start trying for a baby right away. We gave ourselves a year of marriage and then got to it. So if things had worked out we would have a preschooler right now. Talk about a different life.

Since Monday I've experienced off and on cramps of varying intensity. Dr. Google says this can happen when taking progesterone or with implantation or just everything else. But my piss poor attitude tells me that I'm having cramps, because I'm not pregnant and my body wants to bleed. But I'm going to keep on going with the progesterone until Sunday night and test Monday morning and then get ready to pick up my implements of torture (needles and so forth) so I can go through all that again.

19 July 2012

Cycle Day 15

SURGE! Progesterone starts on Sunday.

Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Loveless - Said the Whale
Countdown - Pulp
Two of Us - The Beatles
When I Grow Up - Garbage
Get You Some - Captain Planet
Super Bon Bon - Soul Coughing
Short Skirt/ Long Jacket - Cake

17 July 2012

Cycle Day 13

I'm currently a little over 7 lbs away from driver license weight. That's pretty exciting. Last week we were on vacation, so no elliptical. But . . . 5 days of running first thing in the morning. I need every day to be a vacation day. I've been using the ovulation test kit since cd11 and I have my progesterone ready to go. Fingers and toes crossed, but definitely not getting my hopes up.

Maggie on Vacation

Crapton of Carp
Go to the Bank - James
Countdown- Pulp
I Don't Wanna Fall in Love - She Wants Revenge
Jaw, Knee, Music - NOFX
Disco Inferno - The Trammps
Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations
Same Old Song - The Pietasters
Shaking the Tree - Peter Gabriel

06 July 2012

Cycle Day 2

Yesterday I was up .4 lbs at Weight Watchers. I'm still down 10 lbs since starting, so I'm still a prize winning hog. But still . . . I don't like any gain. After Weight Watchers I talked to one of my nurses at the fertility clinic. She said if I wanted this cycle we could try on our own with a home ovulation kit (like we've been doing), but then supplement with progesterone after ovulation since my luteal phase is short. So I'm going to use up the last of my crinone gel and then switch to prometrium. (I just linked to the manufacturer's websites, but you can just as easily google and get general info). After 14 days if I get a negative pregnancy test, I'll stop the progesterone, start my cycle, and get ready for some injections! But hopefully the progesterone will be enough. I'd really like to not have to go through all that other business again and again.

The Heinrich Maneuver - Interpol
Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations
Shaking the Tree - Peter Gabriel
Just a Girl - No Doubt
Big Time - David Dallas
Papa Won't Leave You, Henry - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off - Panic at the Disco

05 July 2012

Cycle Day 1

Well, here we are. My last med-free cycle before I go back to Bravelle.

Girls and Boys - Blur
Bright Future in Sales - Fountains of Wayne
I Found a Reason - VHS or Beta
Killer Machine - Martin Luther
Everlong - Foo Fighters
Slipping Away - Stabbing Westward
Got the Life - Korn
I Write Sins Not Tragedies - Panic at the Disco
How to Operate with a Blown Mind - Lo Fidelity Allstars
Countdown - Pulp

03 July 2012

Back in a Funk

Not as much exercising as I'd like these days. And way more eating than I'd like. I've just been so hungry. I haven't been tracking my food or exercise. So I'm in a funk about that too. I'd really like to just sit in a dark room stuffing my face. Not really. That would not make me happy. Nothing sounds good to me.

I also think I'm bloated. Today is CD 25. I've been averaging 26 days, so I'm thinking my off and on headaches and general meh-ness could be signs of my impending period. Which is crappy, because now that I'm ovulating . . . UGH! I was really hoping we wouldn't have to spend a crap ton of money on the shots, monitoring, and insemination.

Friday Josh found my engagement ring. That made me happy. I love my ring, but for a while my fingers were too fat to wear it AND my wedding band. I've been wearing it since Friday. And I guess looking down at it brings some level of happiness. We picked it out together at a small jewelry store in my hometown. It's a triangle cut garnet solitaire in a white gold setting.

Black Math - The White Stripes
Disco Inferno - The Trammps
Same Old Song - The Pietasters
Slipping Away - Stabbing Westward
Something Better - The Pietasters
Flagpole Sitta - Harvey Danger
Maybe You're Coming Down with It - The High Strung
Better Off Dead - Bad Religion

28 June 2012

The Opposite of a Good Decision

Tonight we're redeeming a Groupon for our favorite vegetarian Indian restaurant. Uh oh. And it's a big one. 3 course tasting menu. The last time we were in we saw a couple tables using this very Groupon and omg . . . SO MUCH FOOD. Thus, I am very happy my weigh-in was today and I'm hoping my weight will recover in time for next week's weigh-in. Will it be delicious? Yes. Will my stomach burst? Probably. Will I recover in time to go running at the crack of dawn tomorrow? Perhaps.
So Weight Watchers . . . today I received my 5% star sticker AND my 10lbs weight loss blue ribbon. I'm like a hog at the fair! Good times.
I ellipticalled this morning, but my Google Music wasn't cooperating so I went back to Pandora, which was also kind of funky. Tomorrow we hope to run at the crack of dawn since we're in the midst of a heat wave. We'll see how our stomachs are doing. Of course my body tends to reject binges in a most unladylike way. I won't share any specific details. I've felt pretty unenergized the past couple mornings, so I'm wondering if I just need more calories. Yesterday and today I worked in a couple servings of frozen fruit. I'm going to try to remember a multivitamin.
Tomorrow is the first official CSA pickup. So excited. I think there's going to be summer squash! Yumyumyum.

27 June 2012

The Incredible Shrinking Human

Acupuncture this afternoon. I'm going to do my best not to be involved in a traffic accident on my way back to work today. Ugh. I hope no one from the clinic noticed me last week. I don't really want to explain myself.
I'm up a tad in weight, but I skipped the elliptical this morning. We're running this afternoon and then again Friday morning. So I'll elliptical tomorrow. I bought some clothes at Macy's this past weekend and when I tried the skirt on this morning, I thought maybe I should have gone down to a medium. (A medium?!) I know the mediums of today are a bit larger than the mediums of when I last wore the size, but I still never thought I'd be in a medium so soon. Honestly, just a few months ago an XL skirt was a tad tight on me and now L is borderline too big? Not going to lie. This feels good. For the first time in FOREVER I wasn't totally depressed when I was clothes shopping. Josh noticed that too.
This weekend I'm going to pack away all my still nice bigger clothes. If I ever do get pregnant, I'll probably need them when I'm losing baby weight. If I don't get pregnant then when I'll eventually give them away.

Yesterday's mix:

Papa Won't Leave You Henry - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Punk Guy ( Cause He Does Punk Things) - NOFX
What You Were - The Drums
I'm on a Boat - The Lonely Island
Open Book - Cake
Shaking the Tree - Peter Gabriel
Something Better - Pietasters
Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz

25 June 2012

God's Plan

The husband got into with some coworkers earlier this week. One of them said her daughter had just lost her job, but that it was okay because obviously this was all part of God's plan. So of course the husband had to speak up against that. He questioned why God would be interested in her fairly wealthy daughter's career path and not as interested in people who are starving and so forth. The answer was that some things are mysteries and can't be explained.
Let me back up for a moment and say the husband and I are Jewish, but we lean atheist. He more so than me. Not that I really believe in God or anything, but for the most part I don't give a crap.It doesn't bother me when people are hardcore believers as long as they leave me out of it. If one of my coworkers had said something similiar I probably would have ignored it and maybe said something to friends later. But the husband doesn't think religion has any place in our modern world and for some reason he wants to get into arguments.
Where I encounter the God's plan thing most and where it bugs the hell out of me involves procreation. I see stuff all the time where people say/ comment that people like me just need to calm down, because a pregnancy won't happen on our time, it happens on God's time. OH, THANKS.
Part of what really gets me about this God-pregnancy thing or God meddling in our lives thing is this: countless children (including infants) die every day at the hands of abusive parents. That's apparently one of those myseterious things God's okay with. Or maybe he's just way too busy taking care of all these rich peoples' careers and doesn't have time to notice that all these children are being born into shitty homes? The point is I'm not claiming we would be perfect parents, I'm saying I can pretty much guarantee our children will not be victims of abuse. I'll probably have high expectations for my child(ren) academically and behavior-wise, but there will be no beatings or beratings. So if I'm to listen to all these divine-plan people, these are my choices:
1. God has a plan for everyone and some people (including infants) are just meant to have horrible (and possibly very very short) lives.
2. God can't be bothered with the details of making sure people who want children and people who shouldn't have children get what's appropriate.
3. God only cares about rich people problems.
4. God doesn't want me to have a child for some reason.

Have I prayed for for a child? Did I ask God to continue my doomed pregnancies? No, to both. I did wish really hard, but I wouldn't call it praying.


I got my rental today. I've gone from driving a Ford Focus (for the past 12 years) to a Kia Sorento. I know there are bigger SUVs, but I feel like I'm driving one of these:

And apprently there's a manual shift option that I kept turning on during my initial drive. But that's all sorted out now thanks in part to the manual. I almost turned around and took it back, but I stopped in a parking lot and read the section about the gear shift thingy.

I think I'll be glad to have my little car back when it's all said and done. And hopefully we will no more be parted.

In other news, I've now ovulated on my own for 3 months in a row. That's kid of special. What's not so special is the lenth of my luteal phase. I'm ovulating around day 16 or 17 and then starting my period around day 26 or 27. So there's that. But I'm pretty thrilled with the whole ovulation thing. Thanks, weight loss.

Make It Stop - Rise Against
London Beckoned Songs About Money Written By Machines - Panic at the Disco
Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations
Open Book - Cake
Black Math - The White Stripes
Feels Good Inc - Gorillaz
Kiss My Lips - Borgore and Dev
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off - Panic at the Disco
Can't Wait One Minute More - CIV
Cadence to Arms - Dropkick Murphys

21 June 2012


So yesterday when I was leaving acupuncture I was involved in an injury accident. Ultimately it was my fault, so I got a ticket. Boo. According to the police report the guy was complaining of pain in his mid-section, so he was transported to the hospital. Unfortunately, I think he and his passenger are going to be the kind of people who totally exaggerate the impact of this. Super boo.
So my car is out of commission. I'm not excited about the body shop I've taken it to, but it'll do I guess. They said it might be the 2nd week of July before I get it back. Ugh. I'll be getting a rental car Monday morning. That's something.
Weight Watchers was good news today. I hit my initial 5% goal and it looks like I'm on track to lose 10 lbs total by next week.

Seven Nation Army
I'm on a Boat - The Lonely Island
Papa Won't Leave You, Henry - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Basket Case - Green Day
The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage - Panic at the Disco
These Things - She Wants Revenge
Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz
Punk Guy (Cause He Does Punk Things) - NOFX
Monday Morning - Melanie Fiona

18 June 2012

Spent Saturday in Cleveland with friends and ate too much good food, but I'm feeling pretty good about my weight today. It's higher than I'd like, but I know it's within a range that I'll still show some weight loss this week. Last week I read that women who eat 1/4 of their calories for breakfast are more successful with their weight loss, so I'm going to start trying to get at least 300 calories for my morning meal.

Build Me Up Buttercup - The Foundations
There's a Good Reason These Tables are Numbered . . . . - Panic at the Disco
Big Time - David Dallas
Sugarcane - Shaggy
Story of My Life - Social Distortion
Clint Eastwood - Gorillaz
Go to the Bank - James
What You Were - The Drums

14 June 2012

Thursday Optimism

I'd like to congratulate myself for my accomplishments so far this year. When I started "running" in January 3 minutes was difficult and 5 minutes felt damn near impossible. And anything over that and I felt like I was going to die. Last night I had my fastest mile so far (10'21"). Also, back In January I was a at least a size 16. This week I've been wearing some size 12 pants and they're still a little snug, but they don't look obscene. It's so easy for me to focus on the not having a baby thing. I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by gestating fetuses. (And I guess in reality, the weight loss was spurred by the whole wanting a baby thing). But I'm starting to feel better about how I look and this is feeling good. Oh and for the first time in quite a few years I'm not obese. So there's that. I'm just a couple pounds away from my self-imposed goal before going back to treatment and I'm going to pass that by before I get back there. I'm on CD 6 right now, so there's this cycle and then the cycle that should start the first week of July. AND THEN I'll be back to it. I have a hard time believing I'm going to end up with a successful pregnancy, but I also had a hard time believing I could ever wear a size 12 again.

Just 20 min today:
It's No Good - Depeche Mode
Common People Pulp
Time to Dance - Panic at the Disco
Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
John Finn's Wife - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

13 June 2012

Nothing much to say

Back down a bit and looking forward to Friday with only a run on the horizon.

Wednesday Mix:

Papa Won't Leave You, Henry - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Auf Achse - Franz Ferdinand
Your Woman - White Town
Rock'n'Roll Lifestyle - Cake
The Inevitable Return of the Great White Dope - The Bloodhound Gang
Shiny Happy People - R.E.M
Hell Yeah - The Bloodhound Gang


Tuesday Mix:

Carlotta Valdez - Harvey Danger
Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
Can't Wait One Minute More - CIV
Queer - Garbage
Comfort Eagle - Cake
Story of My Life - Social Distortion
Bright Future in Sales - Fountains of Wayne
Punk Guy (Cause He Does Punk Things) - NOFX
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off - Panic at the Disco
In the End - Linkin Park

11 June 2012


Elliptical today, because I'm up a pound-ish from early weekend debauchery or Indian buffet, how I love you! Anticipating a 20 min run tonight, elliptical tomorrow, elliptical and run on Wednesday, elliptical Thursday, and better choices over the weekend. We'll see. The past few weekends have ruined me.

I Don't Wanna Fall in Love - She Wants Revenge
Punk Guy (Cause He Does Punk Things) - NOFX
How to Operate witha Blown Mind - Lo Fidelity Allstars
Shaking the Tree - Peter Gabriel
Someone's Gonna Break Your Heart - Fountains of Wayne
You're the Only One That I Want - Less Than Jake
Killer Machine - Martin Luther
Disco Inferno - The Trammps

07 June 2012


Today I got 2 stickers in Weight Watchers (because we're in elementary school, you know). 1 for sharing my weight loss and 1 for losing my fist 5 lbs. hopefully next week i'll hit my 5% goal. but we'll see.

Johnny Quest Thinks We're Sellouts - Less Than Jake
But It's Better if You Do - Panic at the Disco
Open Book - Cake
Shiny Happy People - R.E.M
The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage - Panic at the Disco
Everlong - Foo Fighters
Sweet Caroline - Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
In the End - Linkin Park
Shaking the Tree - Peter Gabriel

06 June 2012

Tuesday Mix and Modern Family Season Finale Spoiler

4.8 more pounds to go. Pretty sure I can make my deadline.

Last night we watched the season finale to Modern Family. Cameron and Mitch had a disappointment with their adoption quest and Mitch had a mini breakdown and they decided to take a break. And the portrayal of Mitch's frustration and emotional state was EXACTLY what I was experiencing before we decided to take a break. The whole trying not to get my hopes up, but getting them up anyway, the crushing disappointment when either the pregnancy didn't stick or there wasn't a pregnancy at all, the unending emotional pain . . . Everything he articulated was exactly how I felt and exactly why I felt such relief when I left the message with my doctor's office saying we were taking a break and I would call them when we were ready. It looks like we're almost ready (physically). I think I'm in a better place emotionally, but I don't know. I guess I won't know until I'm injecting the meds and my feet are back in the stirrups.

I am terrified. Absolutely terrified. Possible outcomes:
1. Nothing
2. Another loss
3. A successful pregnancy (which is really terrifying in another way)

What if we've spent all this time and money and we're not up to the task? What if we can't handle the disruption and noise and everything that comes with a baby? Maybe we'll never get a chance to address those issues. Maybe I'm so defective nothing will ever come of all this. Or maybe I'm with the wrong doctor. Maybe we would have seen success with someone else. Are we doing enough?

Yesterday's elliptical mix:

Let the Day Begin - The Call
Better off Dead - Bad Religion
Open Book - Cake
Go to the Bank - James
Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
Bright Future in Sales - Fountains of Wayne
Camisado - Panic at the Disco
Cadence to Arms - Dropkick Murphys
There's a Good Reason These Tables are Numbered . . . - Panic at the Disco
How's My Driving, Doug Hastings? - Less Than Jake
Just Like Frank - Less Than Jake
Just a Girl - No Doubt
Jaw, Knee, Music - NOFX
Build God, Then We'll Talk - Panic at the Disco
Army - Ben Folds Five

31 May 2012


According to my home scale I'm .8 lbs under this time last week. I'm going to drink my protein shake and not eat or drink anything else until after weigh-in. I also have to find the best outfit to wear. One that adds the least amount of weight.
Today is also my annual review. Little nervous (as usual), but I think I can redirect enough. We'll see. I may update after the weigh-in.

Common People - Pulp
Flagpole Sitta - Harvey Danger
Someone's Gonna Break Your Heart - Fountains of Wayne
My Own Worst Enenmy - Lit
Mi Chico Latino - Geri Halliwell
Basket Case - Green Day
Heart in Your Heartbreak - Pains of Being Pure at Heart
Stampeding Elephants - Paul White
Blowing It - Dinosaur Jr

29 May 2012


Down a bit today. Can I lose 2 lbs by Thursday's weigh-in? Don't know. Maybe 1.5? At least 1, because I'd rather be the same than show some gain. The past couple days have been so dreadfully hot. It's supposed to get cooler this week, but I don't even want to think about what this summer will be like if we're having temps in the mid 90s (before the heat index) at the end of May. Too depressing to think about.

Heart in Your Heartbreak - Pains of Being Pure at Heart
Slipping Away - Stabbing Westward
Call Me - Blondie
Someone's Gonna Break Your Heart - Fountains of Wayne
John Finn's Wife - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
Ring My Bell - Anita Ward
Carlotta Valdez - Harvey Danger
Better Off Dead - Bad Religion

28 May 2012

Another Non-Running Day

Up some more today. Ugh. I didn't work out yesterday, because my body violently rejected the Super Burrito from Old Bag of Nails. It's not the first time I've had it, but it had been pver a month and in that time we hadn't really gone out to eat much. My digestive system was very very unhappy with my dinner choice Saturday night. And although I didn't exercise yesterday I did eat the hell out of some lemon-based dessert my aunt made. So that is not helping. Today it's back on the program. I did 45 minutes on the elliptical and I'm obsessively counting calories. Not looking good for Friday's weigh-in. And I was really hoping we would go running, because we just bought a couple of iPod Nanos and I desperately want to use mine.

Jaw, Knee, Music - NOFX
Crazy - Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
Maybe You're Coming Down With It - The High Strung
Go to the Bank - James
Got the Life - Korn
4 Out of 5 - Soul Coughing
Build God, Then We'll Talk - Panic at the Disco
Rock'n'Roll Lifestyle - Cake
I Found a Reason - VHS or Beta
Two of Us - The Beatles
When I Grow Up - Garbage
Camisado - Panic at the Disco
Blister in the Sun - Violent Femmes

26 May 2012

Wrong Way

Up .4 today. Boo. No real reason for it either. No running yesterday, so elliptical this morning.

Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Killer Machine - Martin Luther
Heart in Your Heartbreak - Pains of Being Pure at Heart
Losing My Religion - R.E.M.
Girlfriend - Matthew Sweet
Battle Flag - Lo Fidelity Allstars
Better Off Dead - Bad Religion

24 May 2012

Let the Day Begin

Today was my first weight watcher's weigh-in. I'm down 2 pounds from last week's initial weight. I have 26 points per day. So far today I have 4 left. I'll definitely be using some of those 49 *extra* points today. I also earned 2 activity points with today's elliptical. On loseit.com I still have a little over 900 calories left for the day. I'm trying to meet both programs' restrictions in the hopes that I'll do even better. Six more pounds and I'll hit my 5% goal for WW and my self-imposed goal for returning to treatment.

This morning's mix:

How'd You Pin That One on Me - Dinosaur Jr
Auf Achse - Franz Ferdinand
Dammit - blink-182
Local God - Everclear
Hell Yeah - The Bloodhound Gang
Let the Day Begin - The Call
Shaking the Tree - Peter Gabriel
Girlfriend - Matthew Sweet

22 May 2012


6.8 more pounds to go.

The Wii continues to tell me I'm overweight. It still sounds disapproving, but that's okay. Much better than, "That's obese!" Yesterday I received a lot of compliments on a shirt I received secondhand from my mom. I think it did look good. I took some pants she didn't want anymore, but I think it'll take me another 5 pounds before I can fit them. Today I'm wearing a skirt I don't think I've worn since my nephew's baby shower (over 10 years ago). There's something to be said for not getting rid of my old clothes. I'm starting to fit them again and it's nice to have some variety in the ole wardrobe. Less depressing, I think.

This morning's mix:
What You Were  - The Drums

Your Woman - White Town

Time to Dance - Panic at the Disco

Two of Us - The Beatles

Girlfriend - Matthew Sweet

Movin' on Up - The Pietasters

Rock'n'Roll Lifestyle - Cake

Kennedy - Kill Hannah

Sugarcane - Shaggy

18 May 2012

Weight Watching

Yesterday I joined Weight Watchers. The hope is that it'll help knock off these last 8 pounds (and then some?). This week's weight has been more stable than I would like.

Yesterday's Elliptical Mix:
I'm on a Boat - The Lonely Island
These Things - She Wants Revenge
Diamonds and Guns - Transplants
My Goddess - The Exies
Slipping Away - Stabbing Westward
Moves Like Jagger - Maroon 5
Get You Some - Captain Planet
Rock'n'Roll Lifestyle

16 May 2012

The Old Dog's Hips Are Just Fine

By Sunday evening it became clear that the dog's issues were not joint related. She was apparently just extremely ill. I'm really wishing I had taken her to the vet on Friday. At this point I don't see a reason unless her appetite doesn't fully come back or she gets worse.
The weight loss continues. I'm really addicted to this whole not being obese thing. I'm wearing clothes that have been taking up room in my closet for the past couple years. And it's nice. I'm also feeling better in general--not as worn down. I just ordered a new skirt and sweater on Monday--both larges. Not too shabby. I'm thinking the skirt might not be a perfect fit just yet, but soon . . .
I am so addicted to ordering from B. Moss. I loved shopping there when it was an actual store and I recently discovered them online. Today's delivery will include this skirt and this cardigan. How much do I love 3/4 sleeves? (A LOT). This past weekend I accompanied a college classmate to an event his wife didn't want to travel to and I wore this dress. A little different for me since most of my clothing is black or neutral with the occasional pastel thrown in. On my birthday I wore this dress to an author talk and I've worn it since then a couple times to work with a beige cardigan. But now that I have the white one, I'll be trying those together.
Also Monday I started my cycle. It was a little unexpected since I "ovulated" late last time. And by ovulated I mean I had the highest LH surge of my cycle, which according to the kit isn't actually ovulation level, but hey I'll take what I can get. Since January my cycles have ranged from 25-30 days--mostly alternating between 27 and 30. Half looking forward to losing 8 more pounds and getting back on that fertility treatment horse.

11 May 2012

This Old Dog's Hips . . .

Next month my dog will be 12.5 years old. I've been noticing some stiffness for the past few months, but nothing too bad until last night. She had some trouble getting up when it was time for the evening walk. And this morning I had to help her up, because her back legs couldn't get traction on the wood floors. It wasn't much better when it was time for her 2nd morning walk. I thought about bringing her to work with me so I could take her to see the vet, but I decided against it. I did call the vet and we decided to try some glucosamine chews. If she seems worse over the weekend I'll take her to the vet next week. Up until last night she has seemed younger than her 12 years--even with her cloudy eyes.

This photo is from a few years ago (2008?). She's a lot more gray in the face now, but this is still how I picture her. I'm hoping this is just arthritis and not something more serious.

10 May 2012


Only 20 minutes today. I got so distracted by my marvelous weight. Today I am overweight. Huzzah. And less than 10 lbs to go until I start back with the fertility treatments. So that's also kind of exciting.

How's My Driving, Doug Hastings? - Less Than Jake
Cadence to Arms - Dropkick Murphys
I Found a Reason - VHS or Beta
Army - Ben Folds Five
Jaw, Knee, Music - NOFX
My Goddess - The Exies
Money - The Drums

09 May 2012


Elliptcialing this morning, because Josh isn't sure he'll be home in time for a run tonight.

The mix:

I Hope You Die - The Bloodhound Gang
My Sharona - The Knack
D.J. D.J - Transplants
Get You Some - Captain Planet
How's My Driving, Doug Hastings? - Less Than Jake
Should We Fight Back - The Parlotones
Army - Ben Folds Five
But It's Better if You Do - Panic at the Disco
Diamonds & Guns - Transplants
Basket Case - Green Day

08 May 2012


Getting so close to leaving the obese BMI and entering overweight range. I'm sure I'm not the first person to get excited about being called overweight, but it definitely seems strange.

Last weekend we went to a resort in PA. I was expecting a miserable time, because it was a party hosted by Josh's former roommate. And it was off and on not so fun. But I was planning on just having stories to tell. (People drinking 40s, gun range . . . ) Since the party was still raging when we were ready to sleep, Josh suggested we sleep in my car. So we did. It was very uncomfortable. BUT it encouraged us to wake up at sunrise. Part of the resort is like a zoo--lions, and tiger, and bears! zebras, bison, mountain goats, a piece of the Berlin Wall!) We were the only people walking around at 6:30 am. It was very misty and the whole experience was pretty magical. It was completely worth the trip.

Today's mix:

Heart in Your Heartbreak - Pains of Being Pure at Heart
Basket Case - Green Day
Dammit - Blink-182
London Beckoned Songs about Money Written by Machines - Panic at the Disco
Call Me - Blondie
Disco Inferno - The Trammps
I Hope You Die - The Bloodhound Gang
These Things - She Wants Revenge

03 May 2012


Today's mix wasn't as good as Tuesday's. Tonight we're going to the Clippers game. It's hot and Josh hates baseball. And it's a minor league team, so sometimes the innings go on forever. But on the plus side parking is fairly cheap and they let you bring in food to the ballpark, so you're not stuck paying a gazillion dollars for bottled water.

Comfort Eagle - Cake
Big Time - David Dallas
Roman's Revenge - Nicki Minaj
I Hope You Die - The Bloodhound Gang
Killer Machine - Martin Luther
My Goddess - The Exies
You're the Only One that I Wants - Less Than Jake
Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge

01 May 2012

Today was a good music day during the elliptical. Pulp, a double dose of Panic at the Disco (I think that particular album is perfection), The Bloodhound Gang, and Lonely Island . . . Fantastic.

The home ovulation kit hasn't shown any sort of LH surge yet. Since doing this every month I've never gotten a 2nd line dark enough to indicate a good ovulation, but I've at least shown a surge. Yesterday was Day 14. I guess this morning was darker, but the whole thing is a little late this month.

I'm down 10 pounds since January. That means I'm 50% closer to my goal before restarting fertility treatment. If things keep going like they are I should be close toward the end of July. Also, I'm almost back at my wedding weight, which while not ideal is something I haven't seen for 5 years.

1. Countdown - Pulp
2. The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide is Press Coverage - Panic at the Disco
3. London Beckoned Songs about Money Written by Machines - Panic at the Disco
4. Stampeding Elephants - Paul White
5. What You Were - The Drums
6. Dammit - Blink-182
7. Money - The Drums
8. Get You Some - Captain Planet
9. I Hope You Die - Bloodhound Gang
10. I'm on a Boat - Lonely Island

26 April 2012

Another boring elliptical mix

My intention was to go back and bulk these posts up, but I never get around to it. That's something I'm going to start working on, I guess.

1. Auf Achse
2. Dammit
3. The Bad Touch
4. These Things
5. Heart in Your Heartbreak
6. But It's Better If You Do
7. I'm on a Boat
8. Battle Flag

24 April 2012


This week I'm starting a healthy living challenge. It's being hosted by the county extension offices. Yesterday we got our first email and this week we're supposed to focus on getting 6-8 cups of water/day. The water bottle I drink out of holds 3 cups, so it wasn't too difficult to get to the goal. We're also supposed to track our exercise. The goal is 30 minutes at least 3 times a week. To meet that I'm adding back the elliptical on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. I'm almost halfway to my goal weight (after 4 months). Hopefully it doesn't take another 4 months to lose the rest. I'd like to be back to treatment by the end of July.
Elliptical Mix
1. Old Hat
2. Tear You Apart
3. London Beckoned Songs About Money Written by Machines
4. Mi Chico Latino
5. Collapsing Cities
6. Jaw, Knee, Music - NOFX
7. Dammit
8. Cadence to Arms
9. Battle Flag

03 April 2012

Another Elliptical Mix

Elliptical Mix

1. Roman's Revenge - Nicki Minaj
2. Diamonds and Guns - Transplants
3. Battle Flag - Lo Fidelity Allstars
4. Auf Achse - Franz Ferdinand
5. London Beckoned Songs about Money Written by Machines - Panic at the Disco

29 March 2012


Elliptical Mix

1. My Own Worst Enemy - Lit
2. Stampeding Elephants feat Moe Pope - Paul White
3. Should We Fight Back The Parlotones
4. Super Bon Bon Soul Coughing
5. Disco Inferno The Trammps
6. Get You Some (feat Brit Lauren) Captain Planet
7. How's My Driving, Doug Hastings? Less Than Jake

28 March 2012

A Week Later

Last Wedensday night my dad had a heart attack. He's alive and out of the hospital, so that's good. My first impulse was to call up ye olde fertility clinic and get back to the meds. Weight loss be damned. But I resisted. I've sort of penciled in July as the time to restart treatment whatever my weight. Haven't really shared that with anyone, but that's where I am.
We adjusted our running schedule to Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I reserve the right to demand a weekend trip to a metropark. This Monday I either saw my RE or her doppelganger on the path. I don't know that she would recognize me and I wasn't wearing my glasses, so I didn't say anything.

21 March 2012

Back Again

I've been getting acupuncture since January. We also started running 3 times a week as part of the couch to 5k program. I don't think we're hitting 3 miles a time yet. Well, J could easily, but I'm not there yet. We're done with the program and now just run 30 minutes each time. Last night we stopped at 21, because it was in the 80s and I was ready to drop over dead. I guess that's a danger of starting training in the dead of winter. Now anything above 60 degrees feels too hot when I'm running.Lots of pregnancies and such going on around as usual. I try not to get too hung up on any of them, but it's hard. I don't suffer any delusions that we'll be perfect parents, but . . .

Today's Elliptical Mix:
1. Cadence to Arms - Dropkick Murphys

2. What You Were - The Drums

3. Old Hat - Harvey Danger

4. Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men

5. Maybe You're Coming Down with It - The High Strung

6. Tear You Apart - She Wants Revenge

7. The Bad Touch - The Bloodhound Gang

8. Auf Achse - Franz Ferdinand

9. Girlfriend - Matthew Sweet

10. Dammit - Blink 182