11 December 2012


About an hour ago my doctor's office called. The pathology report for the contents of my left tube came back a wee bit unexpected. Blood clots only. No products of conception. The nurse asked if I was bleeding (um yes) and experiencing pain (yes, cramping and mild-ish discomfort on my right side). These things are not unexpected. However, the doctor wanted me to get my blood drawn this morning to check the beta HCG level. So off I drove to the lab. I called my parents. My dad answered. He obviously didn't understand (or maybe hear correctly), so my mom called concerned that I was passing clots, which I have been, but which isn't really a huge concern. The gist of it is my blood is drawn, the lab order said STAT, and now I'm waiting (patiently-ish) for the results, which could come this afternoon or tomorrow morning.
I texted my sister about the situation, and she likened the search for my POC to the search for WMDs in Iraq. "WHERE ARE U HIDING YOUR PRODUCTS OF CONCEPTION?" This makes me laugh.


Last night I decided to light our candles. For whatever reason Josh has been reluctant to participate in the celebration of the miracle this year, but yesterday morning I thought to myself Fuck him. I want to light the damn candles. I could use a little miracle in my life right about now. So after I got home, took care of the dog and cats, and put dinner in the fridge (impulse buy of pizza and bread sticks), I trudged my way to the basement and dug out a menorah and box of candles. I looked up the blessings on the Chabad website. I'm not so into their politics, but if I need a blessing fast or a quickie explanation of how to do something . . .
So the candles were lit, I turned out the lights, and I began keening to anyone who might be listening from the ether. After about 10 minutes I settled down and just watched the flames. I felt exhausted, but not sleepy. I just relaxed into the futon and watched the flames until the last one went out. It was the shamash and it happened the moment Josh's car door shut in the driveway.

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