21 Weeks, 2 Days: This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

I'm writing from the hospital and I think I'm mostly done crying. So far my little pups are okay, but my cervix is an asshole. At yesterday's cervix check the ultrasound showed that it had thinned and was starting to dilate. Hence the hospital. Maybe later I'll be able to write more, but right now my brain is on hiatus.

20 Weeks, 2 Days

Everyone's still plugging right along. We had a good anatomy scan last week--both babies were super cooperative and we got an amazing pic of Baby B's spine. it looks like I'm going to be having cervix checks every two weeks.
HOWEVER . . . this week I've been having some terrible pain that my doctor suspects is GI related. Twice this week I've called the on-call doc near tears because of the pain. Both times it cleared up after some Tums (and last night some Tylenol). I must say I've been entirely unprepared for the bowel issues.

18 weeks

Pregnancy milestone: Last night someone in the neighborhood asked when I'm due while I was walking the dog.

17 weeks, 6 Days

I had the quad screening at my last appointment on July 19th, but (unsurprisingly) I hadn't heard anything back. Just as I would have waited forever for the results of my HIV and syphilis tests--both negative thankyouverymuch--I think I would have waited forever for the results of my screening if I hadn't called. Good news is everything's normal. One less thing to obsess over. Of course I worked myself into a bit of a panic when I looked at my online medical chart and noticed for my last visit the following health concern was added: "threatened abortion: antepartum." Um was there something they didn't tell me? But I asked the nurse who called with my results about this and she said it was already in there and for some reason was just updated on the 19th. I'll take her word for it . . . for now. And of course next Thursday I'll ask my MFM doctor about the quad screen and if we can really rest easy with the results.

17 weeks, 1 day: I had a dream last night

I had a dream I gave birth to the babies at home or rather someone's home. (Shades of Wang Lung although instead of a field, it was a bed). Both babies came rather easily and I delivered by myself using the basic instructions I read a day or two ago in What to Expect . . . I checked each neck for umbilical cords and there weren't any. I had one boy and one girl and everything seemed perfect. And then instead of going to the hospital I pretty much just went around telling everyone about how I just delivered my own babies. So I get to the next day and I'm talking to someone about the babies and I realize I haven't done anything with them since giving birth. No feeding, no diapers, etc. I found them still in the room I gave birth in, but they were in a trash can. Despite being in a trash can for who knows how long, they were still in great shape. So I decided to try my hand at breast feeding. Girl baby was asking for juice and suckling on a sheet or paper.

17 weeks

We have plans to listen to the little pups with the doppler tonight. Now that we're 5 days out from our last appointment I'm catastrophizing. So hopefully some doppler time will calm things down a bit.

Yesterday I found out a friend from college and his wife are expecting their first baby via a cute Facebook announcement. Then through private messaging I discovered they did IVF. We both shared a bit about our struggles and obviously I don't know how he feels about it, but I was sort of thrilled to find someone else from the IF community. It makes me more excited for their pregnancy. 

People Who Can Have Children - Updated 7/23/2013

These people can all have children. I cannot.

Toddler Dies After Being Left With Space Heater; Parents Sought - 16 month old left in room with space heater on for 10 hours (IN JUNE!)

Officers: Coshocton parents confess to harming 3-month-old - 3 month old baby has multiple fractures and burns (including on his scrotum!)

Boy, 10, died of THIRST after his parents refused him water for five days 'as punishment for wetting the bed' - Dallas, TX; An emergency room doctor testified that the boy went into cardiac arrest, had multiple organs failure, blood poisoning and muscle breakdown as a result of being deprived of water.

Steubenville: Couple admits putting kids in plastic boxes - Couple used plastic storage containers sealed with duct tape to punish their 3 children (ages 5-8). Don't worry they did cut an air hole for them.

Guernsey County Man Kills 5-Year-Old Son, Self - murder-suicide involving 5 yr old

Cleveland: Police investigate possible abuse of 18-month-old - Unexplained bruises on toddler's face, ear, and leg. Child taken from 21 year old mother and placed in custody of paternal grandparents.

Vermilion: Parents, grandmother of dead infant behind bars - toddler starved to death, other children in home malnourished

Investigators: Lancaster Man Had Meth-Making Materials, Kids At Home - 30 year old man with 2 young kids at home (ages 2 & 4). Police were called by neighbors because of suspected drug activity in the house.

Ohio Woman Facing 5th Drunken Driving Charge - 32 year old mother caught drunken driving with her 8 year old son and a bottle of rum in the car.

Mom Charged after Thrown Baby Dies - 25 year old mother threw her 6 month old baby against a hard surface. He suffered skull fractures and brain damage and died at the hospital.

Parents Indicted In Connection With 2-Year-Old’s Scalding Death - I don't blame them at all for the scalding death. That was a tragic tragic accident. However, no one involved realized he needed major help. I'm not as upset about this family. They're more on the fringes of my anger at the universe.

16 weeks, 5 days

I had an appointment with my OB Friday, but it was rather non-exciting. From here on out all my appointments with her office will just check bp, urine, and baby hbs. Both babies checked in low to mid 150s. So that's good. What wasn't good was waiting in the stuffy exam room for an hour. Beyond unhappy with that.

I'm starting to tell more people about my "delicate condition," so I guess I'm feeling more comfortable. I sent a message to a cousin Friday (I'll be attending her baby shower on the 3rd) and then 2 other friends today, and I told my retired boss when I ran into him in the parking lot today.

Also today, I cashed the check I received from the small life insurance policy my grandma left to my sister and me. I've been putting off doing anything with it, because I wanted to make sure it was something special (no paying bills with this money) and I couldn't decide what to do with it. Last week I got a letter from the group that sponsored the policy saying I had until this Wednesday to cash the check. So that's what I did. I cashed it and plan to squirrel away the money until I come up with something worthy. I think I'll probably end up just getting a cd or something at the bank until I figure it out. After I left the bank I sat in my car and cried. And then I drove to the grocery store where I engaged in more car crying. And that's the other reason I've put it off. Cashing the check just adds another layer of finality. I don't want the money. I want my grandparents.

14 weeks 6 days

Yesterday's recheck appointment went well despite a madhouse environment in the waiting room. The clot is smaller. The doctor thinks there's a chance it could have been a nonviable 3rd embryo. With all the bleeding early on I could definitely believe that. The hbs were 162 and 167.
Now the waiting room . . . one couple had both sets of parents, a set of grandparents, and siblings. There was a couple fighting. One woman had 3 kids with her. It was overwhelming to say the least. When they called me back to check my weight and bp my initial reading was 144/90. The nurse asked if I was nervous and I said the conditions in the waiting room had put me on edge. She had me pee in a cup, but that seemed to be okay. When they checked my bp after the ultrasound I was down to 124/83.
So between the bp check and the ultrasound we sat near the couple with the entourage. The woman was pregnant with twins. They were talking to another couple expecting twins. The twin mom without the entourage said, "You know as you get older, your chances of twins increases. That's why you see so many people walking around with twins now." My dear husband and I exchange a look and under my breath I said, "yeah because fertility treatments." Now I know not every woman in her 30s or 40s with twins received infertility treatment, but a lot of them are the result of treatment. Heck I know someone who had twins in her late 20s thanks to infertility treatments. But I'm getting away from the main point of the story, which is: THERE OUTTA BE A LIMIT ON HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU CAN BRING WITH YOU TO A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT. Also, leave the children at home if at all possible. I mean, only bring your kids as an absolute last result, but remember your kids will never be as irritating as the 7 or 8 adult family members you might want to bring with you.

13 weeks 6 Days

I've continued spotting since last Monday. Friday morning was a little bit more, so i stayed home for a few hours and went back to bed for morning napping and water drinking. When I woke up I was incredibly thirsty, so I wasn't sure if that was part of the problem? In any case as I was drifting back to sleep around 8:15 I got a text from my husband asking me to let him know when I got to work and how I was feeling. Then I drifted off to sleep for real UNTIL I had a crazy dream and woke up confused and completely disoriented. In my dream I woke up from my nap and it was almost 1:00 pm. I had never intended to sleep that long, so I was upset with myself and kind of stumbling around. Then I was looking for our dog and finally found her tied up outside with a plastic bag stuck in her mouth. She was fine, but she would have been out there since 7:00 am. And I noticed a potted plant from our front step was now on our back step, which made me even more irritated with my husband. Things like that kept happening until I managed to wake myself up. It was so real and so completely the order I would be doing things that I was super confused when I found I was actually in bed. I fumbled for my cell phone and saw it was only 9:00 am. Not wanting to go back into bizarro dream world I decided to just get up and go to work.
Okay, so I never did a follow-up from last Monday's worried post. Both babies looked good on the ultrasound and doc noticed a clot located away from the placentas and not too big. I'm going back next Monday for them to check the clot and heart rates of the babies. Although I still fall prey to negative thoughts at some point I just have to accept what the doctors say sometimes. What I'm clinging to now is that the doctor said it would be extremely rare to lose babies that looked as good as ours did last Monday. So unfortunately they couldn't do the first trimester screening, because I was bleeding. Apparently active bleeding messes up the hormone levels in the blood samples the take. But they didn't see anything that concerned them on the ultrasounds, so they weren't that worried about the screening and they said that if something seemed suspicious later they could always order the MaterniT21 test. I was so glad he didn't suggest amnio.
Also last week our dog Maggie had her teeth cleaned and ended up getting one of her top incisors removed. She seems much perkier (could be the pain meds) and has been really excited about the mandatory canned food for the week. The vet originally thought the tooth would come out pretty easily, but because she's Maggie it took some cutting and stitching so her mouth's a little more sensitive. The vet said her incisor was the size of most dogs' canines. That's my girl.

12 weeks, 5 days

So of course I woke up to bright red bleeding this morning. This afternoon is my first appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine. I planned to work until noon and then come home, get ready, and then head to the doctor. So since I was bleeding I also took the morning off. My OB's office said to keep the MFM appointment, but to let them know about the bleeding.
Other things that concern me: my TSH last week had dropped from 1.99 in May to 0.457, I've had 3 b.m.s since 6 am, and I'm doing lots of urinating this morning.

12 weeks 1 day

Well, it would seem that I've made it to week 12. Wow. I'm a little nervous, because I'm not as exhausted as I was last week, but then I remember that's expected. I am experiencing constipation, so there's that. (I'd much rather be exhausted). I had an appointment with my GP yesterday to discuss thyroid monitoring during pregnancy. Both she and her assistant were WAAAAYYYY excited for me. That was nice. I've been so guarded with my emotions, but I let the shields down a little bit and let them be excited for me and let myself be excited. It felt good, but I'm back to being guarded now. It's called self preservation.
Monday is my big ole first trimester screening with Maternal Fetal Medicine. Then we wait until July 19th for the next OB appointment. I feel like the results of the first trimester screening will determine when we'll start spreading the news and what news we'll be spreading.
In other news, the dog has stopped eating. I suspect it's related to her teeth and I am planning to call the vet's office to get something set up. We decided that since the EOB for my hospital visit came through and it's being covered at 100% that we could spend the money we were going to spend on that for the poor dog.

11 Weeks, 2 Days

Everything was fine at today's ultrasound. They were both moving around. So since things looked good and I haven't had any spotting for a week and a half, I don't go back to the OB until July 19th. OMG that feels like forever. But we do have the appointment with maternal fetal medicine June 24th, so it's not like we're actually going a month without seeing our lil pups. Also, I don't have to "take it easy" anymore. Pretty excited about that. The doc said to get out and enjoy things now, because later on there might be all kinds of restrictions.

11 Weeks

I have an appointment in two days, but I've convinced myself (again) that it's not going to be a good appointment. Of course I desperately want it to be, but I don't feel anything. At 11 weeks pregnant shouldn't I feel something? I'm wearing bigger pants and skirts, but I don't even really feel bloated anymore. And I'm no longer feeling nausea when I go too long between meals. I am fairly ravenous, but that's about it. I'm tired, but not as tired. I just wish I could know that everything's okay. I'll know on Friday one way or another, but I just want everything to work out this time. Our last time.

10 weeks, 5 days

Last week was our first without an ultrasound. It was a fairly uneventful week for my uterus and surrounding area with nothing more notable than light spotting. Is it weird that I'm bothered by that? My mind is so messed up from all this infertility and related nonsense that no matter what happens I read it as a bad sign. Bleeding? Bad. Not bleeding? Possibly bad, because I've been bleeding the entire time and everything's been fine so why did I stop now? I guess we'll find out this Friday.
Another thing that's giving me pause is that two of the four of us in my online group who started with twins are now down to singletons. They're both pretty devastated and understandably so. (I think they both might have been IVF). While I've considered the possibility of losing one of my little pups, I haven't really considered my emotional response to such a thing. I've considered the absolute soul crushing grief of losing both, but when I was in the ER the thought that maybe one could still be okay was reassuring. But again IVF is a different animal. And since so far both little pups have been okay I haven't really been put in the position they have.
Okay now I'm going to indulge my vanity. I am absolutely back in my "fat" clothes and it pains me. I know I'm gaining weight and that's good for the pups, but I worked so hard to lose those almost 30 pounds and dropping 2 sizes was an amazing feeling. Last summer I felt the best I've ever felt, so psychologically going back to these clothes is difficult. Let me just say that I would much rather be pregnant than thinner and I hope I get much much bigger with my two little pups growing as big as possible, but this is a struggle that I don't feel I can really communicate. And maybe it's because with my infertility brain I'm having such a hard time accepting that this pregnancy is really happening to me.
In other news . . . we now have names for every contingency. We've been set for years with a boy name and a girl name we like. It was just a matter of what if we have two boys or two girls? Now we're ready with 3 options for a 2nd boy and 3 options for a 2nd girl. I feel weird about being so prepared this early . . . like we're just asking for something bad to happen. But I'm also glad to have some options we both agree on especially since Josh's brother and his wife are still trying to agree on a name for their boy who could be born any second now.

9 weeks 1 Day

Well, tomorrow's another ultrasound. I stayed home from work yesterday, because my bleeding in the morning graduated from spotting to period-level bleeding. So I spent much of the day sleeping and the rest of it watching the rest of the first season of Downton Abbey, reading, eating, and a quick trip to library. The night before I was also in a lot of pain and barely slept. It was on my right side from my mid-back down to my upper thigh. I wound up taking some extra strength tylenol every 4 hours and that helped a little. By morning the pain was much less and by the end of the day it was gone completely.
I'm back at work today, but I fear I may have overdone it with unpacking some boxes in my office. Hopefully not. I'm still just spotting, but I had some abdominal discomfort so I stopped and got back to sedentary computer based activities.

8 weeks 6 Days

Right now I am pregnant. I can't speak for tomorrow or next week or even this afternoon, but at this very moment I am pregnant. Today I am worried, because this morning was a bit beyond spotting. And for the first time in about a week there is red and not just brown. And I can't decide if there are cramps or not, so if there are they are not severe. I let myself go without eating long enough to get some morning nausea, because sometimes I just want to feel that to remind myself that I'm presently pregnant. And the worst part for me is being nervous about something happening today and not wanting to say anything to my husband. He starts a new job today, so I didn't even tell him I was worried about the change in bleeding this morning. I don't want him worrying about me all day. So I'm asking all the powers in the Universe to make today okay. Please please please make today and tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that okay.

7 weeks, 5 days

Today I am pregnant. I don't know the future of this pregnancy, but as of today I have carried these embryos for 7 weeks and 5 days, which is longer than before. Saturday we thought we had lost them, but after a trip to the ER we learned they were still there--appropriately sized and hearts beating away. Since the story of Saturday is a bit on the gory side I've put it after the jump. You've been warned.

Will I have any brown hair left at the end of this?

My wonderful wonderful doctor worked me in yesterday for an ultrasound to check on the little guys . . . and EVERYTHING'S FINE! Even better? She let me keep my original appointment for this Friday, so she could get another look at how they're growing.

Mother's Day

It really does suck in its own special way. Facebook is HELL as everyone is posting trite tributes to moms in general. People who post specifically about the very specific moms in their life? No biggie. People who post sweeping generalizations about motherhood and the women who become mothers? How fortunate for you that you don't know what some people are going through.
Last week I thought it would be awful to find out I was losing a pregnancy the Thursday before Mother's Day--oh the cruelty. At the time I did not know I would wake up early Mother's Day to bleeding. I spent 2.5 days thinking the Universe wasn't awful and cruel then came yesterday. I'm hoping everything's okay since the actual bleeding didn't last very long and I've been back to spotting since yesterday morning. But there was some gray material I wiped away last night, so that's potentially not good. My doctor is working me in today at 11:45. Fingers crossed for good news. A little over 2 hours until I leave for the doctor.

Fine . . . hope can stay a little bit longer

I had an ultrasound today and I saw 2 sacs and 2 heartbeats. So now I'll let myself officially feel a little bit excited. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my regular ob-gyn for what they call "OB Ed," so they can give me a big list of things to do and not do, I'm guessing. Then next Friday an appointment with my ob-gyn. Hopefully it's another ultrasound. And hopefully everyone's growing accordingly.

That thing where you keep doing the same thing and you expect different results

So almost 2 weeks ago I had another positive pregnancy test. My first beta was over 1,000 and my 2nd was over 5,000. My first ultrasound was supposed to be this Friday. You know, the Friday before Mother's Day. Maybe it was because I had such high numbers, but despite my natural pessimism (and let's be honest I've earned this pessimism), once again I let myself experience hope. Fuck hope. I pictured putting a freshly printed ultrasound pic in my mom's Mother's Day card. Despite my non-belief in higher powers and fate and all that malarkey I let myself believe having my IUI on my recently deceased grandmother's birthday would mean something to the universe. So here we are 2 days before ultrasound (where I imagined I would see 2 perfect embryos) and I'm spotting with cramps. Since I've also been fighting a particularly nasty cold I've granted myself a sick day. I've decided to try that time honored home remedy of lying in a dark room feeling sorry for myself as I wait for my doc's office to call me back. Will it make everything (or anything) better? Probably not, but since nothing else will either I'm willing to give this a try.

Cycle Day 21: Happy Birthday to Me

Yesterday's progesterone was 35.3. I did a booster of Novarel and am now waiting until Friday, April 26th to test since it takes 10 days for the HCG to leave my system.

Today I turn 34, which makes me officially one year away from ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE. So here's hoping this gets sorted out. I'm decidedly unhappy with the way things have gone with my nurses this time. Again, really really hoping this is it for me.

I had a dresser delivered today. Specifically picked today, because talk about a birthday present. Upon inspection, the drawers are all wonky. This makes me feel many different ways . . . irritated, meh, angry, meh, sad, meh, and super irritated. I think I'm so PTSDy from all these losses (especially the last one) that I don't really have many emotions. Who needs drugs to feel like an absolute zombie when you have recurrent pregnancy loss?

Cycle Day 16: Life Goes On

My grandmother has been dead a week now. I was inseminated on Tuesday morning--the day of her funeral (and what would have been her 80th birthday). It would be great if this worked, but if it couldn't work for our wedding anniversary, why would it work for my grandmother's birthday? I want to write something about my grandmother's influence and all that. Must make it happen.

Cycle Day 8: Grow Grow Grow

My estradiol level was 480, my lining was 13 (they want it over 6), and I have some growing follies. The largest one was 14, but I think there was a 13 or two, maybe an 11, and a 9. So the plan is to continue 150 of gonal-f for tonight and tomorrow night and then go for another scan Saturday morning at 8:00 am. The doctor today thought I might be triggering on Saturday. Or it could be Sunday. Also Saturday morning, we're getting our eye exams. So it's shaping up to be another busy weekend.

Cycle Day 5: Money Money Money

I started giving my gonal-f injections Saturday night. I had forgotten about the smell. It's very band-aidy. Today at lunch I picked up a couple more boxes of the gonal-f and a box of novarel. $424.50. Sweet Jesus.

Also on Saturday we went the funeral of the mother of one of my sister's friends. I had never met her, but this particular friend is essentially an extra sister. She's been on family vacation with us. Sitting at the funeral we heard about what an amazing woman her mom was. She will definitely leave a void in the community and in the lives of her three children. It was a good service and more than once I found tears running down my face. I had waffled about going, but I'm glad we were there. Funerals are for the living, and I hoped the family was able to see how much they are loved.

Cycle Day 1: The Plan

So today I started my cycle (hence the title of this post). It was supposed to be CD 26. So I wasn't quite prepared. I was wearing white underwear, gray boxers, and a light colored dress. Thankfully I only sacrificed the panties since I don't have time to run home and change today. Ugh. And lest you think I tossed the panties . . . no they're still on only with a bulky complimentary pad from the bathroom. So huzzah! Then on my way to a meeting I stopped at Target for a quick bathroom break and when I left the restroom a woman stopped me to tell me the back of my dress was tucked into the shorts I was wearing underneath. And now I have cramps. Amazing.
So any whowho. I did the call the doctor and I am going to get back on the horse this cycle. Sigh. So starting Saturday night I'm doing 150 of the gonal-f every night through Wednesday. Thursday morning I go in for the blood draw and ultrasound to check on my dear sweet follies.

Cycle Day 19: A Year Later

First: I had my HSG a week ago tomorrow and surprise of all surprises . . . THESE PIPES ARE CLEAN!!! What? I know. I did not use any swears this time around, but once again it took 2 attempts.
Okay so secondly, it has been a year since my dad's heart attack. My parents are in North Carolina right now. They planned the trip before quite realizing the anniversary was upon us, but I think that's good. How else would you mark the anniversary?

Cycle Day 12: Like Sand in the Hour Glass . . .

Recently I watched Liberal Arts. It essentially dealt with growing up. The main character is an admissions counselor at a school in NYC. He returns to his Ohio college for a favorite professor's retirement celebration and meets a current undergrad with whom he feels a connection. For me a pivotal moment was when the retired professor tells the main character that no one ever feels old, but at some point you just have to accept that you're aging and that you are actually 30 or 50 or whatever even if you still picture yourself as 19. This really rang some bells for me, because don't I know it!
I don't feel 19, but maybe 23. When Josh and I got married and bought a house I was thrown off kilter. Marriage was okay. We had been a couple for 7 years at that point and living together for most of those. It was the home ownership thing. I remember walking down the hallway feeling out of place. I just didn't feel "old enough" to own a house. Rationally I knew I was nearing 30, but I felt like a fraud. I was someone playing at adulthood. I wonder how many other people of my generation feel this way. As our late 20s melt into our 30s and then 40s we find ourselves bewildered that we could be here at this stage of life. Confused that our youth could slip away so quickly. Did our parents feel this way? Our grandparents?
I am acutely aware of my age. I am 33. In April I will be 34 and then in a year I will be 35, which is the beginning of what they consider Advanced Maternal Age. So far my 24th birthday was the worst. My grandfather had died a few months before and I was just feeling unmoored. Another 13 months of failed fertility treatment and 35 will definitely blow 24 out of the water.

Cycle Day 11: Musings on Adoption and Infertility

Earlier this year I read Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft and I'm currently working my way through The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption. Both books address people with infertility adopting, but the 2nd book goes into more detail since it's more of a nuts and bolts procedural guide to adoption. It seems the consensus of the majority of those in the adoption world is that a couple experiencing infertility should admit defeat with infertility treatments and have gone through the grieving process and reached a point of acceptance before getting to adoption. This while insisting a person shouldn't adopt if they feel adoption is a consolation prize to biological children. Forgive me, but I think people who feel this way are setting up adoption to be a consolation prize.
I've sort of backed off pursuing adoption right now, because we're still trying to outwit my biology with SCIENCE! and I've been led to believe this will disqualify us with most adoption agencies and attorneys. Maybe not, but the more I read the more I think the message boards and books are right.
Maybe there are people out there who feel adopted children are inferior to biological children. Who am I kidding? Of course there are people who believe that. I am not one of those people. And I would hope that those people would be weeded out during the whole process instead of just having a policy that couples seeking fertility treatments cannot adopt.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a mother. This has sometimes surprised people. I have always pictured myself as a mother of multiple children. With the economics of fertility treatment (and private adoption) I realize if this happens at all, we'll probably have an only child. Sad? Absolutely. The issue for me is I have all this love to give a child and it makes no difference if the kiddo spent time in my uterus or not. The moment I was told I wasn't ovulating properly back in 2009, I was ready to jump right to adoption. Josh wasn't. He's getting there, but expecting both of us to be completely past my body's failure before we adopt? I don't see that happening.
Would I like to have a biological baby? Sure. I guess. Why? I'd like to experience what everyone else I know with kids has experienced. Is it 100% necessary? No, but if SCIENCE! can make it happen, why not? Will I ever get past my body's failure? I don't know, but I don't think this affects my ability to be an effective and loving parent. I know agencies and what not have to have standards. They don't want to knowingly place children in potentially neglectful situations. But it just burns me that there are (if you read the news) countless people who can naturally reproduce who don't just neglect their offspring but abuse, torture, and murder them. These people never have to justify their desire for children to anyone or prove their fitness as parents--until it's too late. To adopt there are personal references, financial disclosures, and often physical exams. There are sometimes psych exams. And the dreaded home study where the facts and emotions of our struggle to conceive will be potentially gone over with a fine tooth comb. I really can't believe that I'm the only infertile woman who feels capable of pursuing fertility treatments while being a loving mom to an adopted child. Of course as my own dear mother was so fond of saying, "Life's not fair." Truer words have never been spoken.

Cycle Day 3

I'm still waiting to hear officially, but right now it looks like my HSG will be March 15th. They don't normally like to go that far into the cycle, but since we're still actively preventing pregnancy it's okay. I'm looking forward to getting this test done (again) for the information purposes, but not so much for the fun factor. Because it's not fun at all. Of course it's better than the D&C/ectopic surgery, but still not something I want to do all the time.
Weather-wise we're gearing up for what could be a big nothing or the biggest snow of the season or something in between. I was supposed to have a meeting in another county tomorrow, so luckily that was postponed. We do these meetings as potlucks and I had signed up to bring a main dish without any thought as to what I would make. So not only will I not have to slip-slide my way to work if it's terrible, I also won't have to worry about throwing something together food-wise. Win-Win.
At home we're back to counting calories. Huzzah! Time change is this weekend, so starting next week we'll be running again too. Hopefully I can knock off a few pounds before we get back to TTC. I'm back up from my lowest weight by 5 or 6 lbs, but I'm still under where I wanted to be before getting back to it last summer.

Cycle Day 9: Everyone's Pregnant

At a committee meeting today a member revealed that she's pregnant and due mid-July. My SIL is due around then too. I was supposed to be due at the end of July. In my mind this was the pregnancy that just had to work, because the timing was perfect. We would have had a baby for our 6th anniversary. So July 2013 due dates are hard for me right now. I wish all expectant moms the best, but it's difficult to feel excited for anyone who isn't me.

Cycle Day 2: This Again

I've been expecting this. Almost 2 weeks ago I had excruciating pain on my left side. I believe that was the egg attempting to travel down a blocked fallopian tube. I am so not looking forward to my HSG next cycle. Shooting dye through blocked tubes cannot be pleasant. Also, last week I was absolutely ravenous. That's usually a sign.
More snow over the weekend. We're supposed to get another couple inches today. It hasn't started yet, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time. Between snow and monster cramps, I'm planning on packing up some work and taking it home with me. Even with cramps, I'm sure I'll be able to focus more while snuggled in bed wearing my pajamas.

Weather Rollercoaster

Last week it was so cold schools were cancelled. This week we've experienced highs in the mid-60s. WTF, weather? But fear not tomorrow we could get snow again. Here's a picture of my 13 year old dog hanging out this past Saturday enjoying last Friday's snow. That's right. Last week was Frigid (with a capital F). Then it warmed a bit and snowed all day Friday. And then this week we experienced 60 degree weather and the tomorrow it could snow. Fantastic.

maggie enjoying some snow

People Who Can Have Children - Updated 1/24/2012

These people can all have children. I cannot.

Boy, 10, died of THIRST after his parents refused him water for five days 'as punishment for wetting the bed' - Dallas, TX; An emergency room doctor testified that the boy went into cardiac arrest, had multiple organs failure, blood poisoning and muscle breakdown as a result of being deprived of water.

Steubenville: Couple admits putting kids in plastic boxes - Couple used plastic storage containers sealed with duct tape to punish their 3 children (ages 5-8). Don't worry they did cut an air hole for them.

Guernsey County Man Kills 5-Year-Old Son, Self - murder-suicide involving 5 yr old

Cleveland: Police investigate possible abuse of 18-month-old - Unexplained bruises on toddler's face, ear, and leg. Child taken from 21 year old mother and placed in custody of paternal grandparents.

Vermilion: Parents, grandmother of dead infant behind bars - toddler starved to death, other children in home malnourished

Investigators: Lancaster Man Had Meth-Making Materials, Kids At Home - 30 year old man with 2 young kids at home (ages 2 & 4). Police were called by neighbors because of suspected drug activity in the house.

Ohio Woman Facing 5th Drunken Driving Charge - 32 year old mother caught drunken driving with her 8 year old son and a bottle of rum in the car.

Mom Charged after Thrown Baby Dies - 25 year old mother threw her 6 month old baby against a hard surface. He suffered skull fractures and brain damage and died at the hospital.

Parents Indicted In Connection With 2-Year-Old’s Scalding Death - I don't blame them at all for the scalding death. That was a tragic tragic accident. However, no one involved realized he needed major help. I'm not as upset about this family. They're more on the fringes of my anger at the universe.

Saturday's Elliptical Mix

I meant to finish this post sooner, but don't really have much to say. Yesterday I started getting sick. Sore throat, general aches, intense pain in my left side . . . With the side pain I wonder if it's ovulation related? Maybe an egg attempting to travel down a blocked tube? We'll see when my cycle starts and how things look with the HSG.

Losing My Religion - R.E.M.
Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
Better Off Dead - Bad Religion
Kiss My Lips - Borgore and Dev
Shiny Happy People - R.E.M.
Papa Won't Leave You, Henry - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
No Evidence - SpaceGhostPurrp

Bring on the Booze

This morning's b-hcg was less than 1, so no more restrictions. Welcome back to my life booze, sex, ibuprofen, multi-vitamins . . . . So now I just wait for my period. Then I wait for another period. Then I'll get my HSG. Huzzah!

The Plan

1. Another beta on Friday to make sure I'm below 5.
2. HSG on my second cycle (still haven't started one--last week was a false alarm).
3. Continue to lose weight! (This morning I was 157 lbs).

We went for a 4 mile walk at a park on Saturday. Since it was warm it was crowded. Crazy crowded. Since I haven't done anything since then my muscles are tensing up with each day that passes. I'm feeling it most in my glutes.

Drum-roll Please . . . .

Today's Beta: 9

Are you kidding me? Another weekend of sobriety. : (

The nurse who called is going to check with my doctor (NEXT WEEK) to see if she wants to see another level. Also, to check on the timing of my HSG, and also to check with the other nurse about the status of the reconsideration of our karyotypes. But as it is I will not be drinking or taking ibuprofen or multi-vitamins and so on and so forth.

People Who Can Have Children - Updated 1/10/2013

These people can all have children. I cannot.

Guernsey County Man Kills 5-Year-Old Son, Self - murder-suicide involving 5 yr old

Cleveland: Police investigate possible abuse of 18-month-old - Unexplained bruises on toddler's face, ear, and leg. Child taken from 21 year old mother and placed in custody of paternal grandparents.

Vermilion: Parents, grandmother of dead infant behind bars - toddler starved to death, other children in home malnourished

Investigators: Lancaster Man Had Meth-Making Materials, Kids At Home - 30 year old man with 2 young kids at home (ages 2 & 4). Police were called by neighbors because of suspected drug activity in the house.

Ohio Woman Facing 5th Drunken Driving Charge - 32 year old mother caught drunken driving with her 8 year old son and a bottle of rum in the car.

Mom Charged after Thrown Baby Dies - 25 year old mother threw her 6 month old baby against a hard surface. He suffered skull fractures and brain damage and died at the hospital.

Parents Indicted In Connection With 2-Year-Old’s Scalding Death - I don't blame them at all for the scalding death. That was a tragic tragic accident. However, no one involved realized he needed major help. I'm not as upset about this family. They're more on the fringes of my anger at the universe.

Cycle Day 1?

This morning as I got ready for work I started feeling sick to my stomach. I noticed some blood when I wiped. And then I started feeling crampy. Eventually, with Josh's influence, I texted my boss to say I wouldn't be in for the morning. Then I went back to bed. I woke up a little before noon and still felt crampy, so I took some hydrocodone. Then I left for work around 12:30 pm. I probably should have taken the hydrocodone earlier, because my first hour at work was sort of hazy and I couldn't remember all my words. But it sure does a number on cramps. Now I'm feeling a little wiped out, but nothing terrible. For one hot moment I was afraid I food poisoned a whole group at work with my crockpot chicken, but the stomach seems to have been related to the cramps I hope.
Also, can we just get this out there . . . I will be sooo glad when I'm not bleeding every few days. Get back on a schedule, uterus!

People Who Can Have Children - Updated 1/8/2013

These people can all have children. I cannot.

Vermilion: Parents, grandmother of dead infant behind bars - toddler starved to death, other children in home malnourished

Investigators: Lancaster Man Had Meth-Making Materials, Kids At Home - 30 year old man with 2 young kids at home (ages 2 & 4). Police were called by neighbors because of suspected drug activity in the house.

Ohio Woman Facing 5th Drunken Driving Charge - 32 year old mother caught drunken driving with her 8 year old son and a bottle of rum in the car.

Mom Charged after Thrown Baby Dies - 25 year old mother threw her 6 month old baby against a hard surface. He suffered skull fractures and brain damage and died at the hospital.

Parents Indicted In Connection With 2-Year-Old’s Scalding Death - I don't blame them at all for the scalding death. That was a tragic tragic accident. However, no one involved realized he needed major help. I'm not as upset about this family. They're more on the fringes of my anger at the universe.

This is the Week

This is the week that we get back to tracking our calories. I've already put in my breakfast, lunch, and part of dinner and have a tad over 700 calories left for the day. I think we're off to a good start. The elliptical was killer today. Looking forward to that getting easier. Also, with the warmer weather maybe we'll go running this weekend. Probably the whole city of Columbus will be running this weekend though.

Today's weight: 160.7

Elliptical (30 min program + time to end of song, 514 cal):

Shiny Happy People - R.E.M.
Big Time - David Dallas
Bright Future in Sales - Fountains of Wayne
Miss You - The Concretes
Just a Girl - No Doubt
Carlotta Valdez - Harvey Danger
Days are Forgotten - Kasabian
Same Old Song - The Pietasters
Kiss My Lips - Borgore & Dev

Back to the Barrier Method

This morning we did something we haven't done for YEARS. We bought condoms. And I must say that even as a 33 year old married woman, I still feel a bit judged/defensive buying them. But we cannot risk me getting pregnant for 3 months after the methotrexate injection due to chance of birth defects and also the increased risk of another ectopic.

Today's Weight: 160.7

Elliptical (30 min program + time to end of song, 485 calories)
Sheep go to Heaven
Flagpole Sitta
Carlotta Valdez
Kennedy - Kill Hannah
Perhaps Vampires is a Bit Strong but . . . - Arctic Monkeys
Crawling - Lincoln Park
Freak on a Leash - Korn
You Probably Couldn't See for the Lights . . . - Arctic Monkeys
When the Sun Goes Down - Arctic Monkeys
A New Hope - Blink 182

Health Insurance for Everyone!

We might remember my recent surgical attempt to rid my body of Smeagol the embryo? Yes, good. My Explanation of Benefits (EOB) just came through for that.

The total the hospital and various providers charged to the insurance: $48,961.80
The amount my insurance company paid out to the various providers: $12,295.33
The amount I will have to pay out of pocket: $1,263.94

In a perfect world everyone would have this same (or better!) level of health care. Would an uninsured woman be able to get a D&C for a missed miscarriage? What about laproscopic surgery for a suspected (but not yet confirmed) ectopic pregnancy? I'm thankful to have a job that provides these benefits. Do I wish they covered infertility treatments at the same level as everything else? Absolutely. But I would much rather have this very good medical with infertility at the current level of coverage than sucky medical.

In other news, Smeagol's presence is still evident in my HCG level. Today's beta was 62. I was hoping it might be at zero, but the continued downward trend is good enough. Hopefully next Friday will be the magic day.

New Year is New

Snow and slippery roads for NYE, so we fled for the suburbs and spent the night with my sister and her crew. Maggie came along with us and an okay time was had by all. One of the highlights was learning a new card game yesterday mid-morning. My nephew and his friend got into it too and I think the friend was super into it. Anywho the game was Phase 10 and everyone should get it.

Today's Weight: 160.7 (Good to maintain since I was not careful with the calories for NYE and NYD).

Today's Elliptical (20 min program + time to end of last song = 285 cal)

Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men
Not a Virgin - Poe
Slipping Away - Stabbing Westward
It's the Law - Social Distortion
Flagpole Sitta - Harvey Danger

Videos after the jump.