08 May 2013

That thing where you keep doing the same thing and you expect different results

So almost 2 weeks ago I had another positive pregnancy test. My first beta was over 1,000 and my 2nd was over 5,000. My first ultrasound was supposed to be this Friday. You know, the Friday before Mother's Day. Maybe it was because I had such high numbers, but despite my natural pessimism (and let's be honest I've earned this pessimism), once again I let myself experience hope. Fuck hope. I pictured putting a freshly printed ultrasound pic in my mom's Mother's Day card. Despite my non-belief in higher powers and fate and all that malarkey I let myself believe having my IUI on my recently deceased grandmother's birthday would mean something to the universe. So here we are 2 days before ultrasound (where I imagined I would see 2 perfect embryos) and I'm spotting with cramps. Since I've also been fighting a particularly nasty cold I've granted myself a sick day. I've decided to try that time honored home remedy of lying in a dark room feeling sorry for myself as I wait for my doc's office to call me back. Will it make everything (or anything) better? Probably not, but since nothing else will either I'm willing to give this a try.

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