28 November 2012

After the Third Loss is the Fourth Loss

I had another pregnancy and I'm waiting for the actual physical loss right now. My first beta on November 29th was 265. On the 23rd it was 921. Then there was cramping Saturday and Sunday and some bright red bleeding Sunday night. Monday (Nov 26th) my beta was 607. So I stopped the progesterone and am waiting for the real bleeding to start. What's really fucked up is that I haven't had so much as spotting since Monday morning. Really? I've said it before, but seriously once I know things are done I want it the fuck out. The loss is happening, so on with it! When it doesn't progress then I start thinking maybe there's a chance. Maybe I just lost a twin. Maybe maybe maybe maybe. And then when it happens it's awful and terrible and worse than if it had just happened immediately.
My doctor says since I can get pregnant I will go on to have a baby. Eventually. But after how much loss? Yesterday I felt beyond numb. Today a little numb, but not as much. I don't know how much more loss I can take. I don't even feel like I could handle a pregnancy or a child right now. Ever? I just don't feel up to it. I think it's winter and there's no more sunshine and I'm in the midst of this loss, so I'm giving up on everything.

No comments:

Post a Comment