14 weeks 6 days

Yesterday's recheck appointment went well despite a madhouse environment in the waiting room. The clot is smaller. The doctor thinks there's a chance it could have been a nonviable 3rd embryo. With all the bleeding early on I could definitely believe that. The hbs were 162 and 167.
Now the waiting room . . . one couple had both sets of parents, a set of grandparents, and siblings. There was a couple fighting. One woman had 3 kids with her. It was overwhelming to say the least. When they called me back to check my weight and bp my initial reading was 144/90. The nurse asked if I was nervous and I said the conditions in the waiting room had put me on edge. She had me pee in a cup, but that seemed to be okay. When they checked my bp after the ultrasound I was down to 124/83.
So between the bp check and the ultrasound we sat near the couple with the entourage. The woman was pregnant with twins. They were talking to another couple expecting twins. The twin mom without the entourage said, "You know as you get older, your chances of twins increases. That's why you see so many people walking around with twins now." My dear husband and I exchange a look and under my breath I said, "yeah because fertility treatments." Now I know not every woman in her 30s or 40s with twins received infertility treatment, but a lot of them are the result of treatment. Heck I know someone who had twins in her late 20s thanks to infertility treatments. But I'm getting away from the main point of the story, which is: THERE OUTTA BE A LIMIT ON HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU CAN BRING WITH YOU TO A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT. Also, leave the children at home if at all possible. I mean, only bring your kids as an absolute last result, but remember your kids will never be as irritating as the 7 or 8 adult family members you might want to bring with you.

13 weeks 6 Days

I've continued spotting since last Monday. Friday morning was a little bit more, so i stayed home for a few hours and went back to bed for morning napping and water drinking. When I woke up I was incredibly thirsty, so I wasn't sure if that was part of the problem? In any case as I was drifting back to sleep around 8:15 I got a text from my husband asking me to let him know when I got to work and how I was feeling. Then I drifted off to sleep for real UNTIL I had a crazy dream and woke up confused and completely disoriented. In my dream I woke up from my nap and it was almost 1:00 pm. I had never intended to sleep that long, so I was upset with myself and kind of stumbling around. Then I was looking for our dog and finally found her tied up outside with a plastic bag stuck in her mouth. She was fine, but she would have been out there since 7:00 am. And I noticed a potted plant from our front step was now on our back step, which made me even more irritated with my husband. Things like that kept happening until I managed to wake myself up. It was so real and so completely the order I would be doing things that I was super confused when I found I was actually in bed. I fumbled for my cell phone and saw it was only 9:00 am. Not wanting to go back into bizarro dream world I decided to just get up and go to work.
Okay, so I never did a follow-up from last Monday's worried post. Both babies looked good on the ultrasound and doc noticed a clot located away from the placentas and not too big. I'm going back next Monday for them to check the clot and heart rates of the babies. Although I still fall prey to negative thoughts at some point I just have to accept what the doctors say sometimes. What I'm clinging to now is that the doctor said it would be extremely rare to lose babies that looked as good as ours did last Monday. So unfortunately they couldn't do the first trimester screening, because I was bleeding. Apparently active bleeding messes up the hormone levels in the blood samples the take. But they didn't see anything that concerned them on the ultrasounds, so they weren't that worried about the screening and they said that if something seemed suspicious later they could always order the MaterniT21 test. I was so glad he didn't suggest amnio.
Also last week our dog Maggie had her teeth cleaned and ended up getting one of her top incisors removed. She seems much perkier (could be the pain meds) and has been really excited about the mandatory canned food for the week. The vet originally thought the tooth would come out pretty easily, but because she's Maggie it took some cutting and stitching so her mouth's a little more sensitive. The vet said her incisor was the size of most dogs' canines. That's my girl.

12 weeks, 5 days

So of course I woke up to bright red bleeding this morning. This afternoon is my first appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine. I planned to work until noon and then come home, get ready, and then head to the doctor. So since I was bleeding I also took the morning off. My OB's office said to keep the MFM appointment, but to let them know about the bleeding.
Other things that concern me: my TSH last week had dropped from 1.99 in May to 0.457, I've had 3 b.m.s since 6 am, and I'm doing lots of urinating this morning.

12 weeks 1 day

Well, it would seem that I've made it to week 12. Wow. I'm a little nervous, because I'm not as exhausted as I was last week, but then I remember that's expected. I am experiencing constipation, so there's that. (I'd much rather be exhausted). I had an appointment with my GP yesterday to discuss thyroid monitoring during pregnancy. Both she and her assistant were WAAAAYYYY excited for me. That was nice. I've been so guarded with my emotions, but I let the shields down a little bit and let them be excited for me and let myself be excited. It felt good, but I'm back to being guarded now. It's called self preservation.
Monday is my big ole first trimester screening with Maternal Fetal Medicine. Then we wait until July 19th for the next OB appointment. I feel like the results of the first trimester screening will determine when we'll start spreading the news and what news we'll be spreading.
In other news, the dog has stopped eating. I suspect it's related to her teeth and I am planning to call the vet's office to get something set up. We decided that since the EOB for my hospital visit came through and it's being covered at 100% that we could spend the money we were going to spend on that for the poor dog.

11 Weeks, 2 Days

Everything was fine at today's ultrasound. They were both moving around. So since things looked good and I haven't had any spotting for a week and a half, I don't go back to the OB until July 19th. OMG that feels like forever. But we do have the appointment with maternal fetal medicine June 24th, so it's not like we're actually going a month without seeing our lil pups. Also, I don't have to "take it easy" anymore. Pretty excited about that. The doc said to get out and enjoy things now, because later on there might be all kinds of restrictions.

11 Weeks

I have an appointment in two days, but I've convinced myself (again) that it's not going to be a good appointment. Of course I desperately want it to be, but I don't feel anything. At 11 weeks pregnant shouldn't I feel something? I'm wearing bigger pants and skirts, but I don't even really feel bloated anymore. And I'm no longer feeling nausea when I go too long between meals. I am fairly ravenous, but that's about it. I'm tired, but not as tired. I just wish I could know that everything's okay. I'll know on Friday one way or another, but I just want everything to work out this time. Our last time.

10 weeks, 5 days

Last week was our first without an ultrasound. It was a fairly uneventful week for my uterus and surrounding area with nothing more notable than light spotting. Is it weird that I'm bothered by that? My mind is so messed up from all this infertility and related nonsense that no matter what happens I read it as a bad sign. Bleeding? Bad. Not bleeding? Possibly bad, because I've been bleeding the entire time and everything's been fine so why did I stop now? I guess we'll find out this Friday.
Another thing that's giving me pause is that two of the four of us in my online group who started with twins are now down to singletons. They're both pretty devastated and understandably so. (I think they both might have been IVF). While I've considered the possibility of losing one of my little pups, I haven't really considered my emotional response to such a thing. I've considered the absolute soul crushing grief of losing both, but when I was in the ER the thought that maybe one could still be okay was reassuring. But again IVF is a different animal. And since so far both little pups have been okay I haven't really been put in the position they have.
Okay now I'm going to indulge my vanity. I am absolutely back in my "fat" clothes and it pains me. I know I'm gaining weight and that's good for the pups, but I worked so hard to lose those almost 30 pounds and dropping 2 sizes was an amazing feeling. Last summer I felt the best I've ever felt, so psychologically going back to these clothes is difficult. Let me just say that I would much rather be pregnant than thinner and I hope I get much much bigger with my two little pups growing as big as possible, but this is a struggle that I don't feel I can really communicate. And maybe it's because with my infertility brain I'm having such a hard time accepting that this pregnancy is really happening to me.
In other news . . . we now have names for every contingency. We've been set for years with a boy name and a girl name we like. It was just a matter of what if we have two boys or two girls? Now we're ready with 3 options for a 2nd boy and 3 options for a 2nd girl. I feel weird about being so prepared this early . . . like we're just asking for something bad to happen. But I'm also glad to have some options we both agree on especially since Josh's brother and his wife are still trying to agree on a name for their boy who could be born any second now.