Cycle Day 21: Happy Birthday to Me

Yesterday's progesterone was 35.3. I did a booster of Novarel and am now waiting until Friday, April 26th to test since it takes 10 days for the HCG to leave my system.

Today I turn 34, which makes me officially one year away from ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE. So here's hoping this gets sorted out. I'm decidedly unhappy with the way things have gone with my nurses this time. Again, really really hoping this is it for me.

I had a dresser delivered today. Specifically picked today, because talk about a birthday present. Upon inspection, the drawers are all wonky. This makes me feel many different ways . . . irritated, meh, angry, meh, sad, meh, and super irritated. I think I'm so PTSDy from all these losses (especially the last one) that I don't really have many emotions. Who needs drugs to feel like an absolute zombie when you have recurrent pregnancy loss?

Cycle Day 16: Life Goes On

My grandmother has been dead a week now. I was inseminated on Tuesday morning--the day of her funeral (and what would have been her 80th birthday). It would be great if this worked, but if it couldn't work for our wedding anniversary, why would it work for my grandmother's birthday? I want to write something about my grandmother's influence and all that. Must make it happen.

Cycle Day 8: Grow Grow Grow

My estradiol level was 480, my lining was 13 (they want it over 6), and I have some growing follies. The largest one was 14, but I think there was a 13 or two, maybe an 11, and a 9. So the plan is to continue 150 of gonal-f for tonight and tomorrow night and then go for another scan Saturday morning at 8:00 am. The doctor today thought I might be triggering on Saturday. Or it could be Sunday. Also Saturday morning, we're getting our eye exams. So it's shaping up to be another busy weekend.

Cycle Day 5: Money Money Money

I started giving my gonal-f injections Saturday night. I had forgotten about the smell. It's very band-aidy. Today at lunch I picked up a couple more boxes of the gonal-f and a box of novarel. $424.50. Sweet Jesus.

Also on Saturday we went the funeral of the mother of one of my sister's friends. I had never met her, but this particular friend is essentially an extra sister. She's been on family vacation with us. Sitting at the funeral we heard about what an amazing woman her mom was. She will definitely leave a void in the community and in the lives of her three children. It was a good service and more than once I found tears running down my face. I had waffled about going, but I'm glad we were there. Funerals are for the living, and I hoped the family was able to see how much they are loved.

Cycle Day 1: The Plan

So today I started my cycle (hence the title of this post). It was supposed to be CD 26. So I wasn't quite prepared. I was wearing white underwear, gray boxers, and a light colored dress. Thankfully I only sacrificed the panties since I don't have time to run home and change today. Ugh. And lest you think I tossed the panties . . . no they're still on only with a bulky complimentary pad from the bathroom. So huzzah! Then on my way to a meeting I stopped at Target for a quick bathroom break and when I left the restroom a woman stopped me to tell me the back of my dress was tucked into the shorts I was wearing underneath. And now I have cramps. Amazing.
So any whowho. I did the call the doctor and I am going to get back on the horse this cycle. Sigh. So starting Saturday night I'm doing 150 of the gonal-f every night through Wednesday. Thursday morning I go in for the blood draw and ultrasound to check on my dear sweet follies.

Cycle Day 19: A Year Later

First: I had my HSG a week ago tomorrow and surprise of all surprises . . . THESE PIPES ARE CLEAN!!! What? I know. I did not use any swears this time around, but once again it took 2 attempts.
Okay so secondly, it has been a year since my dad's heart attack. My parents are in North Carolina right now. They planned the trip before quite realizing the anniversary was upon us, but I think that's good. How else would you mark the anniversary?

Cycle Day 12: Like Sand in the Hour Glass . . .

Recently I watched Liberal Arts. It essentially dealt with growing up. The main character is an admissions counselor at a school in NYC. He returns to his Ohio college for a favorite professor's retirement celebration and meets a current undergrad with whom he feels a connection. For me a pivotal moment was when the retired professor tells the main character that no one ever feels old, but at some point you just have to accept that you're aging and that you are actually 30 or 50 or whatever even if you still picture yourself as 19. This really rang some bells for me, because don't I know it!
I don't feel 19, but maybe 23. When Josh and I got married and bought a house I was thrown off kilter. Marriage was okay. We had been a couple for 7 years at that point and living together for most of those. It was the home ownership thing. I remember walking down the hallway feeling out of place. I just didn't feel "old enough" to own a house. Rationally I knew I was nearing 30, but I felt like a fraud. I was someone playing at adulthood. I wonder how many other people of my generation feel this way. As our late 20s melt into our 30s and then 40s we find ourselves bewildered that we could be here at this stage of life. Confused that our youth could slip away so quickly. Did our parents feel this way? Our grandparents?
I am acutely aware of my age. I am 33. In April I will be 34 and then in a year I will be 35, which is the beginning of what they consider Advanced Maternal Age. So far my 24th birthday was the worst. My grandfather had died a few months before and I was just feeling unmoored. Another 13 months of failed fertility treatment and 35 will definitely blow 24 out of the water.